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  1. #1
    sr005307 is offline Newbie
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    Default TOEFL essay// Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television h

    I'm no studying hard to get a great score on TOEFL test, but it is so difficult. Somebody help me to improve my writing skills. I just want a simple correction, so you don't have to read it so hard. But please score and correct.



    According to the database of Korean TV council, the 40% of children are watching TV more than talking with their friends and family. This is dangerous example considering the kids are asset of future world. However, the unsocial kids are only because of the TV? If then, every children with TV in the house should have had problems with communications. Almost every family has the TV but they usually don't have problems. So I disagree with the statement that television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Firstly, television is not the pacemaker which makes the kids adrenalin pumps, but television is just a machine which should be chosen by viewer to be watched. Secondly, the real problem of inability of communication is vicious character of a few television users.
    Most of all, television is a machine not a human which could not tell people to watch itself. It is just a machine. Many debates for machines' position for human life, just like is it a tool for convenience or the dangerous material? The conclusion is different by people, but I think people could use technology by their choice to fight in the war or to cure sick people. Alike technology, television itself also helps people to learn foreign language or cultural habits, and at the same time could destroy communication among friends or families partially. It is because kids watched it disregarding their obligation but only fulfilling their satisfaction.
    Furthermore, television itself is not only responsible for inability of communication but also the vicious character of a few television users. I cannot deny that television-addicted people usually have disorder in communication, but they were not normal before they are addicted. They just chose television for their unsatisfactory mind to have fun, to fulfil their crazy thinking toward television. These kind of people usually choose crimes, violence, or drugs etc. Considering them, television is better than all of them.
    In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that television has destroyed communication among friends and family. First one is that television is only a machine, so the fault through television is done only by users. Second one is that not only television is the sinner of the destroyed communication problem, but also the vicious character of a few television users. In the near future, other than television, many kinds of machines or technologies are to be blame because of diverse problems. Alike television, these are just a problem of users not responsibility of machine itself.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: TOEFL essay// Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television h

    Quote Originally Posted by sr005307 View Post
    I'm now studying hard to get a great score on TOEFL test, but it is so difficult. Can somebody help me to improve my writing skills? I just want a simple correction, so you don't have to read it very carefully but please score and correct.



    According to the database of the Korean TV ​Council, the 40% of children are watching TV more than talking with/to their friends and family. This is dangerous example considering the that kids are a future world asset. of future world. However, are the kids unsocial kids are only because of the TV? If then so, every children child with a TV in the house should have had problems with communications communication. Almost every family has the a TV but they don't usually don't have communication problems. So I disagree with the statement that television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Firstly, television is not the pacemaker (are you sure that's the word you wanted?) which makes the kids' adrenalin pumps pump, but television is just a machine which should be chosen by viewer to be watched viewers can choose to watch or not. Secondly, the real problem reason of for this inability of communication to communicate is the vicious (this adjective doesn't fit here. I don't know what you wanted to say so I can't suggest an alternative) character of a few television users.


    Most of all, television is a machine not a human which could not tell people to watch itself it. It is just a machine. There have been many debates for about the necessity for machines' position for human life in modern life, just like for example, is it are they a convenient tool for convenience or the are they dangerous? material? The conclusion is different by people, eople have come to different conclusions but I think people could can choose to use technology by their choice to fight wars in the war or to cure sick people. Alike Like technology, television itself can also helps help people to learn a foreign language or about other cultures. cultural habits, and At the same time, it could partly destroy communication among friends or families. partially. It is because kids watched it disregarding their obligation but only fulfilling their satisfaction.I don't know what this sentence means. What obligation are they disregarding by watching television?


    Furthermore, television itself is not only responsible for an inability of communication to communicate but also the vicious (same problem as last time - this isn't the correct adjective) character of a few television users. I cannot deny that television-addicted people usually have a communication problem disorder in communication, but they were not normal before they are were addicted. They just chose television for their unsatisfactory mind (what is an unsatisfactory mind?) to have fun, to fulfil their crazy thinking toward television.(what is their "crazy thinking towards television?) These kinds of people usually choose get involved in crimes, violence (no comma required) or drugs etc. Considering them, At least television is better than all of them.

    In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Firstly, one is that television is only a machine, so the fault through television is done only by is the users'. Secondly, one is that it is not only television that is to blame for is the sinner of the destroyed communication problems, but also the vicious (wrong adjective again) character of a few television users. In the near future, other than aside from television, many different problems will be blamed on many kinds of machines or technologies. are to be blame because of diverse problems. Alike As with television, these are just a problems caused by the of users, not the responsibility of the machines itself themselves.
    See above for my amendments and comments.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  3. #3
    sr005307 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: TOEFL essay// Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television h

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    See above for my amendments and comments.
    Thank you very much

  4. #4
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: TOEFL essay// Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television h

    Quote Originally Posted by sr005307 View Post
    Thank you very much.
    Don't forget to put a full stop at the end of every sentence. In addition, there is no need to write a new post just to say thank you. When we see a new post notification on a thread, we take the time to click on it and go to the post. It is rather disappointing to get there and find that it is not a new question or response, or some new information. Simply click on the Like button of a post you found helpful.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

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