See above for my amendments and comments.I'm now studying hard to get a great score on TOEFL test, but it is so difficult. Can somebody help me to improve my writing skills? I just want a simple correction, so you don't have to read it very carefully but please score and correct.
According to the database of the Korean TV Council,
the40% of children are watching TV more than talking with/to their friends and family. This is dangerous exampleconsidering thethat kids are a future world asset. of future world.However, are thekids unsocial kids areonly because of theTV? If thenso, every childrenchild with a TV in the house should have hadproblems with communicationscommunication. Almost every family has thea TV but they don't usually don'thave communication problems. So I disagree with the statement that television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Firstly, television is not the pacemaker (are you sure that's the word you wanted?) which makes the kids' adrenalin pumpspump, but television is just a machine which should be chosen by viewer to be watchedviewers can choose to watch or not. Secondly, the real problemreason offor this inability of communicationto communicate is the vicious (this adjective doesn't fit here. I don't know what you wanted to say so I can't suggest an alternative) character of a few television users.
Most of all, television is
a machinenot a human which could nottell people to watch itselfit. It is just a machine. There have been many debates forabout the necessity for machines ' position for human lifein modern life, just likefor example, is itare they a convenient tool for convenienceor theare they dangerous? material? The conclusion is different by people,eople have come to different conclusions but I think people couldcan choose to use technology by their choice to fight wars in the waror to cure sick people. AlikeLike technology, television itself can also helpshelp people to learn a foreign language or about other cultures. cultural habits, andAt the same time, it could partly destroy communication among friends or families. partially.It is because kids watched it disregarding their obligation but only fulfilling their satisfaction.I don't know what this sentence means. What obligation are they disregarding by watching television?
Furthermore, television itself is not
onlyresponsible for an inability of communicationto communicate but also the vicious (same problem as last time - this isn't the correct adjective) character of a few television users. I cannot deny that television-addicted people usually have a communication problem disorder in communication,but they were not normal before they arewere addicted. They just chose television for their unsatisfactory mind (what is an unsatisfactory mind?) to have fun, to fulfil their crazy thinking toward television.(what is their "crazy thinking towards television?) These kinds of people usually chooseget involved in crimes, violence (no comma required) or drugs etc. Considering them,At least television is better than all of them.
In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Firstly,
one is thattelevision is only a machine, so the fault through television is done only byis the users'. Secondly, one is thatit is not only television that is to blame for is the sinner of the destroyedcommunication problems, but also the vicious(wrong adjective again) character of a few television users. In the nearfuture, other thanaside from television, many different problems will be blamed on many kinds of machines or technologies. are to be blame because of diverse problems. AlikeAs with television, these are just aproblems caused by the ofusers, not the responsibility of the machines itselfthemselves.
- For Teachers