Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 15
  1. #1
    Aakarsh is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Hindi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • Turkmenistan
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    10
    Post Thanks / Like

    Post CommonApp Influential Essay Help Please!

    Hello,

    I just wrote an essay for CommonApp, it is a personal essay and the topic is: Write about an influential person and describe that influence.

    Special Soul
    Some people are born different when it comes to education; so was I. No one is born an Einstein, but generally children start to get a grasp of the education material at a fairly young age. It would not have happened so in my case if I did not have this special person to show me the right path in life. Most people in the world at least have one subject in school they did not like when they were younger, and the case for me was mathematics. I did not like mathematics when I was 12 or less, but one math teacher called Brian Marslack influenced me in many ways, which I am still thankful for to this very day. He influenced me to pursue my goal of following the field of mathematics, and the reason I enjoy doing mathematics now is because of how Mr. Marslack taught me, how he persuaded me to study math and showed ne that math can be interesting at higher levels. I was a below average student when it came to math when I was about 12 years old. I met Mr. Marslack and my life turned around in a split-second. Mr. Marslack saw something in me that other teachers did not and he gave me an opportunity, and taught me in a way that it would interest me. From that day on he influenced me to learn more and more math. Mathematics started to interest me in the way Mr. Marslack had taught me; he just hooked me to learn more, and only because of that I was able to learn individually with him and now I like to learn math and do courses in math that are not even in the course of high school. I only learn math now because it makes me happy, and I find math fun to learn now. Every time I look at my reflection in the mirror, I think of him, without him I would have not been the person in the mirror; instead I would have been a different person.

    Any help will greatly appreciated

    THANK YOU

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    23,459
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: CommonApp Influential Essay Help Please!

    For a start, you've used "Mr Marslack" far too many times. Try replacing many of them with "he".
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  3. #3
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    17,345
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: CommonApp Influential Essay Help Please!

    And break it into paragraphs.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  4. #4
    Aakarsh is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Hindi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • Turkmenistan
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    10
    Post Thanks / Like

    Talking Re: CommonApp Influential Essay Help Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    For a start, you've used "Mr Marslack" far too many times. Try replacing many of them with "he".
    Thank you for your suggestion I will do so.

    Is the essay good when it comes to the topic? Influential?

    Here is a revised version of the essay

    Some people are born different. No one is born an Einstein, but generally children start to get a grasp of the education material at a fairly young age. It would not have happened so in my case if I did not have this special person to show me the right path in life. Most people in the world at least have one subject in school they did not like when they were younger, and the case for me was mathematics. I did not like mathematics when I was 12 or less, but one math teacher called Brian Marslack influenced me in many ways, which I am still thankful for to this very day. He influenced me to study math and think of it as a fun subject, and the reason I enjoy mathematics now is because of how he taught me, how he persuaded me to study math and showed ne that math can be interesting. I was a below average student when it came to math when I was about 12 years old. I met Mr. Marslack and my life turned around in a split-second. Mr. Marslack saw something in me that other teachers did not and he gave me an opportunity, and taught me in a way that it would interest me. From that day on he influenced me to learn more and more math and the next thing I figure out is that math become my favorite subject. Now I only learn math because it makes me happy, not because I have to and I find math fun to learn now; all of this would not have happened if Mr. Marslack did not influence me. Every time I look at my reflection in the mirror, I think of him, without him I would have not been the person in the mirror; instead I would have been a different person.



    Do you think there are any flaws when it comes to topic? Flow? Interest?

    Thank you for helping! I really appreciate it

  5. #5
    Aakarsh is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Hindi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • Turkmenistan
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    10
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: CommonApp Influential Essay Help Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    And break it into paragraphs.

    Just a question.

    In college essays do I need to break them into paragraphs? Do I need a topic sentence? Conclusion sentence? A conclusion paragraph, introduction etc...?

    Thank you for your suggestion! If possible can you show me where to break them? Im clueless on that right now

    Thank you

  6. #6
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    23,459
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: CommonApp Influential Essay Help Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Aakarsh View Post
    Just a question.

    In college essays do I need to break them into paragraphs? Do I need a topic sentence? Conclusion sentence? A conclusion paragraph, introduction etc...?

    Thank you for your suggestion! If possible can you show me where to break them? Im clueless on that right now

    Thank you
    If you are writing a college essay, then presumably you are at college. Have you tried asking your teacher there how he/she would like the essays laid out? Your college might have a specific requirement when it comes to style and layout so asking us how to build your essay might not help.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  7. #7
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    17,345
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: CommonApp Influential Essay Help Please!

    The Common App is for college applications. Instead of having to write 20 essays as you apply to 20 colleges, each with its own question, many have adopted a common application. I have no idea what admissions officers are really looking for, but I would say that YES you want paragraphs if it makes it easier for your reader to follow, and YES you want a topic sentence so your reader knows what you're writing about. Many people get help on their essays (I'm sure many simply pay to have others write it for them, but if you have to pay someone to do your work to get into college, you'll really have a hard time doing the work once you're there.)
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  8. #8
    Aakarsh is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Hindi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • Turkmenistan
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    10
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: CommonApp Influential Essay Help Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    The Common App is for college applications. Instead of having to write 20 essays as you apply to 20 colleges, each with its own question, many have adopted a common application. I have no idea what admissions officers are really looking for, but I would say that YES you want paragraphs if it makes it easier for your reader to follow, and YES you want a topic sentence so your reader knows what you're writing about. Many people get help on their essays (I'm sure many simply pay to have others write it for them, but if you have to pay someone to do your work to get into college, you'll really have a hard time doing the work once you're there.)

    Excellent reply. Do you think my essay is making sense so far? In your point of view of the topic: Influential person. Does it make sense?

    Thanks :)

  9. #9
    Aakarsh is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Hindi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • Turkmenistan
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    10
    Post Thanks / Like

    Post New Influential College App Essay on Teacher :)

    Hi everyone,

    From my other post I changed my whole essay. Any help would be greatly appreciated on the essay below.

    No one is born an Einstein, but generally children start to get a grasp of the education material at a fairly young age. It would not have happened so in my case if I did not have this special person called Brian Marslack to show me the right path in life. Without Mr. Marslack I would have not been who I am now; he influenced me in a way that I can never forget.
    Mr. Marslack had a significant influence on me when it came to mathematics. Most people have a subject they do not like; I did too; for me it was math. I had turned 12 and started the academic year of 6th grade. My first forty-five minutes of math class with my new math teacher, Mr. Marslack changed my life forever. He started teaching math, and he taught math in a way that started to interest me. Mr. Marslack influenced me to learn more mathematics, because he showed me that mathematics is fun to learn and apply. From the moment, I started learning math and I have not stopped; learning math has become my dream for the future. After Mr. Marslack influenced me to learn math, I learned math for fun, not because I had to, not because I wanted to get a good grade, but to learn, simply to learn. Mr. Marslack’s favorite subject was math and soon his influence took over me and mathematics was my favorite subject too. I still to this day learn math for fun, I learn math not taught at school because it interests me and that is the biggest influence Mr. Marslack had on me, and I will never forget this.
    Mr. Marslack changed my life forever. His influence had made me who I am today academically, and I am and I always will be thankful for that. I now study math for fun, I like studying math, and most of all, I do not study math because I have to. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I think of him; I would have not been the person in the mirror if Mr. Marslack had not changed me, not influenced me. Instead I would have been a different person.

    Total Words: 366

    Any help will be greatly appreciated


    Thank you everyone

  10. #10
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    17,345
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: CommonApp Influential Essay Help Please!

    I suggest you add a topic sentence, that your first paragraph be about you before you met him, the second paragraph be about what he did, and the third one be about you now, after he helped and influenced you, and you send with a summary sentence about how you would not be where you are now without him. That's all the advice I feel comfortable giving you. Good luck on your college search.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. [Application] [Critique Request] Short Answer Essay for CommonApp
    By 1234ocasio in forum CVs, Resumes and Applications
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 23-Aug-2012, 15:50
  2. Replies: 5
    Last Post: 08-May-2012, 10:26
  3. please review my commonapp essay
    By tobioleye in forum CVs, Resumes and Applications
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 12-Nov-2010, 22:52
  4. influential to
    By bosun in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-May-2009, 18:07

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •