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Thread: i need help

  1. #1
    lolitta9222 is offline Newbie
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    Default i need help

    i created a blog to help me improve my English. Can you please edit my post. i appreciate that. Thanks in advance

    I was laying on the grass when this cute little boy came to me. I asked him if he was lost. He asked me if I have games on my phone. I told him that I donít have any. He gave me a sad look. I felt bad so I gave him my phone to play games. He looked at me again and asked me why i donít smile. I told him that I m very stressed about so many thing
    s in my life. He got closer to me and he told that the games in my phone are boring. He asked again if I have any good songs. I said yes. i played a song and he started dancing. I started laughing. He kept dancing and couldn't stop laughing. I n one second, I sow in him the beauty and the innocent that we lose as we grow u. Eve though he was as dancing like a fool, he didnít care a bout what I would think. He layed again next to me, and we start talking for a while. His energy and his cute attitude made me feel positive. He made my day!

  2. #2
    Grumpy's Avatar
    Grumpy is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: i need help

    Quote Originally Posted by lolitta9222 View Post
    i created a blog to help me improve my English. Can you please edit my post. i appreciate that. Thanks in advance

    I was lying on the grass, when this cute little boy came over [or "up"] to me. I asked him if he was lost. He asked me if I had games on my phone. I told him that I didn't have any. He gave me a sad look. I felt bad, so I gave him my phone to play games. He looked at me again and asked me why I didn't smile. I told him that I was very stressed about [] many thing
    s in my life. He got closer to me and he told that the games in my phone were boring. He then asked [] if I had any good songs. I said yes. I played a song and he started dancing. I started laughing. He kept dancing and I couldn't stop laughing. In one second, I saw in him the beauty and the innocence that we lose as we grow up. Even though he was as dancing like a fool, he didnít care about what I would think. He played again next to me, and we started talking for a while. His energy and his cute attitude made me feel positive. He made my day!
    Many of your sentences are very short. This is not always a bad thing, since most people tend to write sentences which are far too long! However, you should try to adapt the length of sentences to the situation you are describing. Some will be short; some will be longer. As an example, I have re-written the first bit of your blog, thus:

    I was lying on the grass, when this cute little boy came up to me. I asked him if he was lost; he asked me if I had any games on my phone. When I told him I hadn't, he looked so sad that I felt bad, and I gave him my phone to play games.

    Also, sixteen out of the nineteen sentences in your blog start with "I" or "He". Try to vary the structure of your sentences a bit more, as in:

    I played a song and he started dancing, which made me laugh. The more he danced, the more I laughed, until suddenly - in one second - I saw in him the beauty and the innocence that we lose as we grow up.
    I'm not a teacher of English, but I have spoken it for (almost) all of my life....

  3. #3
    Wandy Wheeler is offline Just Joined
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    Default Re: i need help

    Hey, I am an engineering student too, but have time in submitting my final dissertation...I have joined this forum for I wanted to gather more information on engineering.. I am far from my dissertation helpfor now..but a friend who has passed with A grade suggested that he took help from some writing expert called - LINK REMOVED .. try them if you are getting any issues...hope this will be of any help...
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 21-Sep-2013 at 14:51. Reason: Unauthorised link removed.

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