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  1. #11
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can i put a phone number in the body of a motivation letter?

    Quote Originally Posted by ashiil View Post
    Well thank you very much. It's just that I am not a native English speaker. English is my third language, and I didn't know that I should use "I" instead of "i".
    Yet you used "I" consistently in your letter. English is a proper noun and must be capitalized. Sentences need to end with a period and a new sentence needs to start with a capital letter. You cannot string sentence after sentence together and join them with commas.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  2. #12
    ashiil is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Can i put a phone number in the body of a motivation letter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    October 31, 2013
    Professor
    Hochschule
    GERMANY

    Delete the words in red

    Dear Professor [I assume you'll use the person's name, right?],

    I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background [Have you given information already? otherwise "further" doesn't fit.] information in support of my application for entrance to Electrical Engineering and Information Technology program at the University of Applied Sciences.


    I am both challenged and fascinated by the world of information technology, and this is the main reason why I decided to switch my study path I am pursuing this new course of study after a gaining a diploma in automobile repair.

    During my study years In my studies, I have shown discipline, enthusiasm and motivation, and that was noticed by my professors who chose me for a very selective internship [to do what?] at the same [same as what?] university. This experience [you need to see what that internship was before you can refer to it as "this experience] along with other internship [doing what?] helped me to expand my knowledge beyond what I learned in the classroom.

    This technical and professional development was paired by a personal growth that I experienced while participating in a social project in Bielefeld, [comma, not semi-colon] Germany, where I was hosted by a typical German family and had to step out of my comfort zone by working and communicating on daily basis with people from all over the world and with different backgrounds.

    After coming back I began teaching myself the German language, and I have recently passed the Goethe admission test that will allow me to start studying with at the A2 level [I don't know what this is]. Unfortunately, I cannot provide an official document on time for my application but you may contact the Goethe center in Casablanca for any further information in regards with this test.Try this: This can be confirmed by the Goethe Center in Casablanca while I await the official certificates.

    Having the opportunity to obtain a bachelor's degree from your university will enable me to learn, expand and develop my professional and scientific basics, especially in electrical engineering and electronics, mathematics and programming, digital and microcomputer technology during the first three semesters. I did not come to contact with these subjects in my previous bachelor and this before majoring in Communications Technology in your university.

    Don't repeat the courses you'll take. He or she already knows the curriculum.

    I would like to let you know that in case I get accepted in this bachelor, I am planning on working towards a master degree in communications technologies.

    I'm my ultimate goal to obtain a master's degree in communications technology after I finish my bachelor's degree.

    To conclude, I would like to add that, in addition to expanding my knowledge in the field of IT, studying in your university will provide me with the opportunity to grow further as a person by living and studying in an international environment.

    Please refer to the accompanying resume to provide you with further details of my qualifications.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely

    Thank you very much for your help.
    After correcting my mistakes in this letter, can I show it again to u so you can revise it one last time?

  3. #13
    ashiil is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Can i put a phone number in the body of a motivation letter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    October 31, 2013
    Professor
    Hochschule
    GERMANY

    Delete the words in red

    Dear Professor [I assume you'll use the person's name, right?],

    I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background [Have you given information already? otherwise "further" doesn't fit.] information in support of my application for entrance to Electrical Engineering and Information Technology program at the University of Applied Sciences.


    I am both challenged and fascinated by the world of information technology, and this is the main reason why I decided to switch my study path I am pursuing this new course of study after a gaining a diploma in automobile repair.

    During my study years In my studies, I have shown discipline, enthusiasm and motivation, and that was noticed by my professors who chose me for a very selective internship [to do what?] at the same [same as what?] university. This experience [you need to see what that internship was before you can refer to it as "this experience] along with other internship [doing what?] helped me to expand my knowledge beyond what I learned in the classroom.

    This technical and professional development was paired by a personal growth that I experienced while participating in a social project in Bielefeld, [comma, not semi-colon] Germany, where I was hosted by a typical German family and had to step out of my comfort zone by working and communicating on daily basis with people from all over the world and with different backgrounds.

    After coming back I began teaching myself the German language, and I have recently passed the Goethe admission test that will allow me to start studying with at the A2 level [I don't know what this is]. Unfortunately, I cannot provide an official document on time for my application but you may contact the Goethe center in Casablanca for any further information in regards with this test.Try this: This can be confirmed by the Goethe Center in Casablanca while I await the official certificates.

    Having the opportunity to obtain a bachelor's degree from your university will enable me to learn, expand and develop my professional and scientific basics, especially in electrical engineering and electronics, mathematics and programming, digital and microcomputer technology during the first three semesters. I did not come to contact with these subjects in my previous bachelor and this before majoring in Communications Technology in your university.

    Don't repeat the courses you'll take. He or she already knows the curriculum.

    I would like to let you know that in case I get accepted in this bachelor, I am planning on working towards a master degree in communications technologies.

    I'm my ultimate goal to obtain a master's degree in communications technology after I finish my bachelor's degree.

    To conclude, I would like to add that, in addition to expanding my knowledge in the field of IT, studying in your university will provide me with the opportunity to grow further as a person by living and studying in an international environment.

    Please refer to the accompanying resume to provide you with further details of my qualifications.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely
    Thank you very much for your help.
    Can i send you or show you the final copy of this motivation letter before sending it?

  4. #14
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can i put a phone number in the body of a motivation letter?

    I will not respond to any more of your posts until you use a capital I for the pronoun and spell out the word "you."
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  5. #15
    ashiil is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Can i put a phone number in the body of a motivation letter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    I will not respond to any more of your posts until you use a capital I for the pronoun and spell out the word "you."
    Yes, you are right.
    I always forget it, but I shouldn't do it in the future.
    I finished correcting the letter. Should I send it to you via email, or just post it here again?
    Thank you.

  6. #16
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can i put a phone number in the body of a motivation letter?

    Unless someone is paying me, I don't accept anything via e-mail.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  7. #17
    ashiil is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Can i put a phone number in the body of a motivation letter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    Unless someone is paying me, I don't accept anything via e-mail.
    Well for the great help you have been giving me, and if I could pay you for it i would.
    Anyways, this is the corrected version of the letter.
    I didn't put details about the first internship I did in that university because it is detailed in my resumť.
    and just so you would know, I am trying my best with english, I just starting to learn it 3 years ago, and sometimes I get confuse between it and other languages in my head, so I urge you to be patient with me please.


    Professor ...
    GERMANY


    Dear Professor....,

    I appreciate this opportunity to provide background information in support of my application for entrance to Electrical Engineering and Information Technology program at the University of Applied Sciences.


    I am both challenged and fascinated by the world of information technology, and this is the main reason I am pursuing this new course of study after a gaining a diploma in automobile repair.
    In my studies, I have shown discipline, enthusiasm and motivation, and that was noticed by my professors who chose me for a very selective internship in the IT department at the same university where I studied. This experience along with other internships led me to expand my my knowledge beyond what I learned in the classroom.
    This technical and professional development was paired by a personal growth that I experienced while participating in a social project in Bielefeld, Germany, where I was hosted by a typical German family and had to step out of my comfort zone by working and communicating on daily basis with people from all over the world and with different backgrounds.

    After coming back I began teaching myself German, and I have recently passed the Goethe admission test that will allow me to study at the A2 level. This can be confirmed by the Goethe Center in Casablanca while I await the official certificates.

    Having the opportunity to obtain a Bachelorís degree from your university will enable me to learn, expand and develop my professional and scientific basics that I did not come to contact with in my previous bachelorís and this before majoring in Communications Technology in your university.
    My ultimate goal is to obtain a master's degree in communications technology after I finish my bachelor's degree.

    To conclude, I would like to add that, in addition to expanding my knowledge in the field of IT, studying in your university will provide me with the opportunity to grow further by living and studying in an international environment.

    Please refer to the accompanying resume to provide you with further details of my qualifications.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely

  8. #18
    5jj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can i put a phone number in the body of a motivation letter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    Unless someone is paying me, I don't accept anything via e-mail.
    This is slightly off-topic, but I am going to say it anyway. I must stress that I am not speaking on behalf of Barb.

    I, like many other members of this site, love the English language, and I am very happy to share what knowledge I have with others. Here at UsingEnglish.com, I gain personal satisfaction from the knowledge that my responses to a question may be of some help to the many UE members.

    But, I do not respond to private messages or emails. I post my responses in this forum as my small contribution to the furtherance of knowledge, to be shared by all. Outside this forum, I am a professional - if you want to consult me privately, then you pay.

  9. #19
    ashiil is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Can i put a phone number in the body of a motivation letter?

    Quote Originally Posted by 5jj View Post
    This is slightly off-topic, but I am going to say it anyway. I must stress that I am not speaking on behalf of Barb.

    I, like many other members of this site, love the English language, and I am very happy to share what knowledge I have with others. Here at UsingEnglish.com, I gain personal satisfaction from the knowledge that my responses to a question may be of some help to the many UE members.

    But, I do not respond to private messages or emails. I post my responses in this forum as my small contribution to the furtherance of knowledge, to be shared by all. Outside this forum, I am a professional - if you want to consult me privately, then you pay.
    I totally agree with you, its just this was my first participation, and I am not really familliar with how things go around here, but in many electronics and informatics forums, people ask you to contact them by private email or messages, so I thought it is the same here.
    And just to say it, my participation in this forum helped me alot in developing my motivation letter and also some grammar, so thank you all for your help.

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