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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
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    Pls check my essay :)

    Your task:
    Write a 600-900 word essay about a difficult decision you had to make. You should employ three to four narrative techniques discussed in class in the writing of your essay. Give your essay a title, and indicate the length.
    ------------------------
    Difficult decision
    I could hear the noise as I tried to sleep. “Oh, it’s just one of their usual arguments again”, I thought. My father came home late and my mother was crying loudly. Soon I realized this was different from other nights. My father was raising his voice, telling my mother to sit down and listen. I got up and could not help pressing my ears against the door.
    “I told you already, I have work to do”, said my father. “Oh, really? This is the 100th time you told me that. I don’t want to believe you any more. Who knows what you were actually doing? How come you have work to do every night?” my mother knitted her eyebrows, kept scolding. “OK, listen. Whatever I do, I have my own reasons. Don’t keep asking stupid questions. I’m tired of you”, grumbled my father, then he went off.
    “Craaaak”, the vase suddenly dropped off the floor. I startled, slowly half-opened the door, trying to keep at minimum noise. Now I could observe what was happening.
    “I can’t stand it any more. You are driving me crazy. It’s over. I want to be released”, my mother stood up. My father turned back and stood motionless for seconds, staring at her. I thought he was going to apologize, but I was wrong. “Well, that’s the answer. I want to break up too. This marriage does make both of us tired, doesn’t it? Write a divorce petition and I’ll sign”, he sighed.
    I already knew this before. I knew it would happen sooner or later. Since my father got a job with a high salary in a big company, he started to come home late usually. I went back to my bed, but could not close my eyes, hopelessly thinking of a way to heal my family.
    The next days passed slowly. Neither of my parents talked to each others. Once in a dinner, my father broke the ice, “My dear son, I have to tell you this”. I stared at him desperately. “Dad, you don’t have to say anything. That night I heard everything. Is it the only way, dad? I definitely don’t want our family to be broken”, I said, looking for a hope. “We love you dearly, son, but there’s nothing else we can do now, so I hope you understand. Tomorrow we are going to the court”, sighed my mother. Tears were welling up her eyes. “I know it’s very hard but…” she continued, “…the choice is yours, my dear”. Immediately, I knew what she meant.
    I was so confused. I could not make up my mind. I loved both of them more than everyone else in the world. Now they were asking me to choose either. I did not want my family to be separated. Again I did not get a wink of sleep that night.
    Unexpectedly, what must come finally came.
    “Okay, who do you want to stay with, your mother or your father?” asked the judge. I looked at my parents, “Can both of you please think again? I definitely don’t want to do this”. “We’re really sorry we’ve let you down, son, but we’re not a good match. Just say who you want to stay with; whatever the cases, we still always love you deeply”, cried my mother. This was the most difficult decision I ever faced. Whoever I chose, I was going to hurt one of them. I closed my eyes, thinking over and over, looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. Out of the blue, a brainwave came. I took a deep breath and said at last, “Please, sir, I want to stay with each person for a month. That’s my final decision”. It was the best thing I myself could say. At least it was not going to hurt anyone. And I could still stay with both of my parents.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
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    Re: Pls check my essay :)

    This is very well written. I have only a small number of corrections:

    Quote Originally Posted by huy_njc
    ------------------------
    Difficult decision
    I could hear the noise as I tried to sleep. “Oh, it’s just one of their usual arguments again”, I thought. My father came home late and my mother was crying loudly. Soon I realized this was different from other nights. My father was raising his voice, telling my mother to sit down and listen. I got up and could not help pressing my ears against the door.

    "My ear". It would be difficult to press both ears against a single door.

    “I told you already, I have work to do”, said my father. “Oh, really? This is the 100th time you told me that. I don’t want to believe you any more. Who knows what you were actually doing? How come you have work to do every night?” my mother knitted her eyebrows, kept scolding.

    "My", not "my" - it is a new sentence. The idiom is "knitted her brow", and it ought to be "...and kept scolding", although the form you use can be acceptable with poetic license. I would point out though that as you are reporting in the first person, you could not know whether your mother had knitted her brow if you were not in the same room.

    “OK, listen. Whatever I do, I have my own reasons. Don’t keep asking stupid questions. I’m tired of you”, grumbled my father, then he went off.
    “Craaaak”, the vase suddenly dropped off the floor. I startled, slowly half-opened the door, trying to keep at minimum noise. Now I could observe what was happening.

    "I started (acted unexpectedly, because startled), and slowly half-opened the door, trying to keep the noise to a minimum."

    “I can’t stand it any more. You are driving me crazy. It’s over. I want to be released”, my mother stood up.

    "I want out of this" is the more natural way of saying this. Again, it is a new sentence, so use a full stop not a comma.

    My father turned back and stood motionless for seconds, staring at her. I thought he was going to apologize, but I was wrong. “Well, that’s the answer. I want to break up too. This marriage does make both of us tired, doesn’t it?

    "This marriage is tiring us both out, isn't it?"

    Write a divorce petition and I’ll sign”, he sighed.
    I already knew this before.

    "I had expected this."

    I knew it would happen sooner or later. Since my father had got a job with a high salary in a big company, he had started to come home late regularly. I went back to my bed, but could not close my eyes, hopelessly thinking of a way to heal my family.
    The next days passed slowly. Neither of my parents talked to each other. Once at dinner, my father broke the ice, “My dear son, I have to tell you this”. I stared at him desperately. “Dad, you don’t have to say anything. That night I heard everything. Is it the only way, dad? I definitely don’t want our family to split up”, I said, looking for some hope. “We love you dearly, son, but there’s nothing else we can do now, so I hope you understand. Tomorrow we are going to the court”, sighed my mother. Tears were welling up in her eyes. “I know it’s very hard but…” she continued, “…the choice is yours, my dear”. Immediately, I knew what she meant.
    I was so confused. I could not make up my mind. I loved both of them more than anything else in the world. Now they were asking me to choose between them. I did not want my family to be separated. Again I did not get a wink of sleep that night.
    Unexpectedly, what must come finally came.
    “Okay, who do you want to stay with, your mother or your father?” asked the judge. I looked at my parents, “Can both of you please think again? I definitely don’t want to do this”. “We’re really sorry we’ve let you down, son, but we’re not a good match. Just say who you want to stay with; whatever you decide, we will still always love you deeply”, cried my mother. This was the most difficult decision I ever faced. Whoever I chose, I was going to hurt one of them. I closed my eyes, thinking over and over, looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. Out of the blue, a brainwave came. I took a deep breath and said at last, “Please, sir, I want to stay with each person for a month. That’s my final decision”. It was the best thing I could bring myself to say. At least it was not going to hurt anyone. And I could still stay with both of my parents.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
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    Re: Pls check my essay :)

    Thank you very much :)

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