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  1. #1
    mehdi 100 is offline Newbie
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    Post Could you please help me with this essay (in terms of Grammar, Idea Organization etc)

    Popular sport events like the football world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way:
    To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

    There are many different sport occasions in the world such as Olympic Games and football world cup. In every international sport occasions people come across the world to contest with each other. Despite the probable political tensions between some countries, sport events always start with a ceremony which shows unity and friendship between the countries of the world.

    I firmly believe that sport events are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic feelings between nations in a safe way. When athletes attend in such occasions they feel responsibility toward their land, by the responsibility I mean that they try to raise the flags of their countries; it shows their patriotic emotions.

    In addition, people get together from across the world with different languages, cultures, races and religion; they compete with each other despite their discrepancies in mentioned issues and even political turbulences. In other words they treated with each other in a friendly manner at the contest.

    The last but not least, people travel to other countries to attend at the events. To be more precise, sport occasions bring opportunity for people to visit other countries; people learn many things about other nations. For instance, An American who traveled to china for Olympic Games may have learned a big deal about Chinese culture.

    Overall, governments bring opportunity for athletes to compete with other athletes even though there might be some political turbulence between their countries. People also enjoy the contest and learn how to live beside each other despite probable differences.

    Some issues:
    1-In paragraph one, does the expression “come across the world” decent there?
    2-Can I use “showing, manifesting or exhibiting” instead of “it shows” in paragraph two?
    3-Should I combine those three body paragraph into one or two body paragraph (the text contains five paragraphs- the introduction paragraph seems to be more sizable comparing each body paragraphs)?

    Thank you for your attention.

  2. #2
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Could you please help me with this essay (in terms of Grammar, Idea Organization

    Quote Originally Posted by mehdi 100 View Post
    Popular sport events like the football world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way:
    To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

    There are many different sport occasions in the world such as Olympic Games and football world cup. In every international sport occasions people come across the world to contest with each other. Despite the probable political tensions between some countries, sport events always start with a ceremony which shows unity and friendship between the countries of the world.

    I firmly believe that sport events are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic feelings between nations in a safe way. When athletes attend in such occasions they feel responsibility toward their land, by the responsibility I mean that they try to raise the flags of their countries; it shows their patriotic emotions.

    In addition, people get together from across the world with different languages, cultures, races and religion; they compete with each other despite their discrepancies in mentioned issues and even political turbulences. In other words they treated with each other in a friendly manner at the contest.

    The last but not least, people travel to other countries to attend at the events. To be more precise, sport occasions bring opportunity for people to visit other countries; people learn many things about other nations. For instance, An American who traveled to china for Olympic Games may have learned a big deal about Chinese culture.

    Overall, governments bring opportunity for athletes to compete with other athletes even though there might be some political turbulence between their countries. People also enjoy the contest and learn how to live beside each other despite probable differences.

    Some issues:
    1-In paragraph one, does the expression “come across the world” decent there? No. Come from around the world is better. But think about what this means. A person from France going to Germany for an international event is not traveling a great distance. In short, be careful when using "all".
    2-Can I use “showing, manifesting or exhibiting” instead of “it shows” in paragraph two? Possibily, it depends on how it is worded.
    3-Should I combine those three body paragraph into one or two body paragraph (the text contains five paragraphs- the introduction paragraph seems to be more sizable comparing each body paragraphs)? No, it seems to be fine as it is.

    Thank you for your attention.
    If this is homework we are limited in what we can edit. You should pay more attention to which words need to be capitalized.

  3. #3
    mehdi 100 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Could you please help me with this essay (in terms of Grammar, Idea Organization

    I enjoyed Some IELTS courses last year, and the text is from one of Cambridge books; now I'm self practicing for an exam.
    Thank You for responding.

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