Results 1 to 2 of 2
  1. #1
    matt456 is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Latvian, Lettish
      • Home Country:
      • Latvia
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    1
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default what's wrong with my essay ?

    Hi i'm new here and this my first time on the forum.
    So this my story. Currently i'm doing an Access to HE course which is like same as a foundation year in University. Today i've had back my results of my History essay and my teacher's comment on it was ''you need to sort out your English ASAP if not you won't get top marks.'' To be honest i don't see any major problems in my essay . I've copied the paragraph of my essay. Can anyone see any major issues or can anyone help me understand what's wrong with it ?
    Thanks.

    The Steam Engine was part of the Industrialization. Prior that invention, everything was done by hands and mass production was not realized. First Steam Engine appeared in 1698(q) , then in 1712 Thomas Newcomen improved it. Although it was an improvement, it had many faults including wasted heat and fuel. James Watt improved Newcomen’s steam engine in 1785 he had done so by using heat more efficiently with less fuel (The history of Steam Engines, 2013).
    Both coal and iron were crucial during the Industrial Revolution. Coal was used to power the steam engines and to make iron. Iron was used to improve machines and tools and also build bridges and ships. Transportation was more effective. New roads, railroads and canals were built. Transportation network helped to move raw materials and finished products .Steam power locomotives were the main inventions, they provided cheap and fast transportation from place to place. ‘’the new form of power, and no less, the new transmitting mechanisms were the pivot on which industry swung into the modern age’’ (Handouts).
    Also it created massive social change. As the steam engines provided machineries in the factories, it resulted in reduction of labour and then a new social class was structured.
    Factories that came up during the Industrial revolution changed the way people lived and worked. Many families moved to the cities in order to get work. As a result cities become more and more overcrowded. People usually lived in dirty and unhealthy places because of the pollution that came from factories. Also factory work created many problems for labours. Many factory people worked up to 16 hours a day for very little money, because factory owners wanted to keep production cost low. Men and young adults usually were employed at iron and steam mills, while women and children worked in new textile factories. Usually women got less paid than men. And the children labour was dramatic they worked same hours as gown up men or women. Many of them died at a very young age, in the factories there were no working rules for them. They worked with heavy machineries and sometimes got trapped there and left with bad injuries or even died. There was no union to protect them. Richard Oster called this a slavery system (Whitney).

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    23,502
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: what's wrong with my essay ?

    Quote Originally Posted by matt456 View Post
    Hi I'm new here and this my first time on the forum.
    So this my story. Currently I'm doing an Access to HE course which is like same as a foundation year in University. Today I've had back my the results of my History essay and my teacher's comment on it was ''You need to sort out your English ASAP. If not, you won't get top marks.'' To be honest, I don't see any major problems in my essay. I've copied the paragraphs of my essay below. Can anyone see any major issues or can anyone help me understand what's wrong with it?
    Thanks.

    The steam engine was part of the Industrialization Industrial Revolution. Prior to that invention, everything was done by hands hand and mass production was not realized did not exist. The first steam engine appeared in 1698(q), then in 1712 Thomas Newcomen improved it. Although it was an improvement, it had many faults including wasted heat and fuel. James Watt improved Newcomen’s steam engine in 1785. He had done did so by using heat more efficiently with less fuel (The History of Steam Engines, 2013).
    See above. My corrections to your post and to the first paragraph of your essay are in red. Your teacher is right - these errors will not lead to top marks.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

Similar Threads

  1. [Grammar] please correct me if my grammar on this essay is wrong.i will using my essay 4 speech
    By amat darwin in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 21-Jul-2013, 15:49
  2. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 15-Jul-2013, 06:21
  3. [General] Can someone tell what i'm doing wrong in this small essay
    By bash89 in forum Literature
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 21-Feb-2011, 00:56
  4. Last paragraph of my Essay, can you tell me what is wrong?
    By Ildus1988 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 12-Sep-2010, 19:07
  5. Replies: 1
    Last Post: 02-Jan-2008, 04:07

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •