Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    741
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Stieg, part four

    This is the fourth part of my short story, Stieg. Please, would you correct my mistakes.

    Stieg listened to his description with interest, but told himself that he would rather stay away from such a beautiful place and end his life in his own home. The prospect of being attended by young and beautiful staff and surrounded with other people was enticing, but the fear of change was even stronger. Ten days later, he returned home and understood that his fall and stay in the hospital had altered him profoundly. He could still feel a dull pain in his ribs and sudden attacks of dizziness. He walked through the rooms and, as never before, he experienced loneliness. He felt nervous and went into the firewood shed, picked up some logs and started cleaving them, to calm his mind. He kindled a fire in the fireplace and sat before the flames, with a steaming cup of his coffee. As the feeling of uneasiness persisted, he went outside to clear away the snow that had fallen and settled since he had been away. His hands and mind moved with the same strength as before, but soon he was overcome with dizziness. He felt he was going to faint. He leaned on the shovel until the dizziness passed and then went on with the same diligence, but soon the similar sensation overcame him again, and he had to rest for a while. If he had not had a shovel to lean on, he would have certainly keeled over. In the end, it took him double the time it would normally have taken to clear the snow away. He was sweaty, exhausted and breathed heavily. He was angry with himself. His body and mind were slowly failing him, and he was like a passive observer, unable to change his fate.

    When his children and grandchildren came for a visit, Stieg could not stand to see them around, their voices made him tense. He asked them to leave him in peace, which they did. They understood that Stieg did not feel well and was in a bad mood. Never before had they seen him so irritable and edgy. They did not dare to mention the selling of the house and his move to a nursing home. They were afraid that he could harm himself or even set a house on fire. They told each other that when the old age crept on old people, they became unpredictable just like children.
    Stieg fought off his ailments as best as he could. Whenever he felt a sudden onset of dizziness, he would immediately sit down or lean on any object close to him. When using an axe, a saw or some other tool, he would work carefully, not risking an injury and another visit to the hospital. When driving his car, he would slow down or pull up if his head started spinning around. However, the worst were the feelings of loneliness and depression, which he could not get rid of, even if he told himself that these were just thoughts, which he had to learn how to control. The battle went on for about a year, and then, Stieg had to admit defeat.
    After weeks of pondering, quarrelling with himself and weighing the pros and cons, he finally moved to a nursing home, beautifully situated outside the town and close to the woods. The window of his room looked at the tall spruce and fir trees on which squirrels played and ran tirelessly the whole day. There was no traffic nearby and the only sound that disturbed the stillness was twittering and singing of birds. The nursing home was clean, and did not smell of urine and excrement, as Stieg believed it would, but of flowers, coffee and newly baked cakes. The residents were calm, spending their days watching TV, reading the papers and magazines, playing chess, cards and dominos. Groups of women sat around, crocheting and knitting scarves, hats, socks and other items for their grandchildren and other family members. There was a live music and dancing at least once a week, when old men and women would forget their illnesses, sore feet, arthritic knees and weary bodies, and hold each otherís hands as if they were still at the beginning of their lives. The music and dance worked wonders, at least for a few hours.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. #2
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    1,696
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Stieg, part four

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    This is the fourth part of my short story, Stieg. Please, would you correct my mistakes.

    Stieg listened to his description with interest, but told himself that he would rather stay away from such a beautiful place and end his life in his own home. The prospect of being attended by young and beautiful staff and surrounded with other people was enticing, but the fear of change was even stronger. Ten days later, he returned home and understood that his fall and stay in the hospital had altered him profoundly. He could still feel a dull pain in his ribs and sudden attacks of dizziness. He walked through the rooms and, as never before, he experienced loneliness. He felt nervous and went into the firewood shed, picked up some logs and started cleaving them, to calm his mind. He kindled a fire in the fireplace and sat before the flames, with a steaming cup of his coffee. As the feeling of uneasiness persisted, he went outside to clear away the snow that had fallen and settled since he had been away. His hands and mind moved with the same strength as before, but soon he was overcome with dizziness. He felt he was going to faint. He leaned on the shovel until the dizziness passed and then went on with the same diligence, but soon the similar sensation overcame him again, and he had to rest for a while. If he had not had a shovel to lean on, he would have certainly keeled over. In the end, it took him double the time it would normally have taken to clear the snow away. He was sweaty, exhausted and breathed heavily. He was angry with himself. His body and mind were slowly failing him, and he was like a passive observer, unable to change his fate.

    When his children and grandchildren came for a visit, Stieg could not stand to see them around, their voices made him tense. He asked them to leave him in peace, which they did. They understood that Stieg did not feel well and was in a bad mood. Never before had they seen him so irritable and edgy. They did not dare to mention the selling of the house and his move to a nursing home. They were afraid that he could harm himself or even set a the house on fire. They told each other that when the old age crept up on old people, they became unpredictable just like children.
    Stieg fought off his ailments as best as he could. Whenever he felt a sudden onset of dizziness, he would immediately sit down or lean on any object close to him. When using an axe, a saw or some other tool, he would work carefully, not risking an injury and another visit to the hospital. When driving his car, he would slow down or pull up if his head started spinning around. However, the worst were the feelings of loneliness and depression, which he could not get rid of, even if he told himself that these were just thoughts, which he had to learn how to control. The battle went on for about a year, and then, Stieg had to admit defeat.
    After weeks of pondering, quarrelling with himself and weighing the pros and cons, he finally moved to a nursing home, beautifully situated outside the town and close to the woods. The window of his room looked at the tall spruce and fir trees on which squirrels played and ran tirelessly the whole day. There was no traffic nearby and the only sound that disturbed the stillness was the twittering and singing of birds. The nursing home was clean, and did not smell of urine and excrement, as Stieg believed it would, but of flowers, coffee and newly baked cakes. The residents were calm, spending their days watching TV, reading the papers and magazines, playing chess, cards and dominos. Groups of women sat around, crocheting and knitting scarves, hats, socks and other items for their grandchildren and other family members. There was a live music and dancing at least once a week, when old men and women would forget their illnesses, sore feet, arthritic knees and weary bodies, and hold each otherís hands as if they were still at the beginning of their lives. The music and dance worked wonders, at least for a few hours.
    TO BE CONTINUED
    Good writing!

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    741
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Stieg, part four

    Dear Gil,

    Thank you again. I am so grateful that you have taken your time and corrected this text. I see that the articles are still my weakness, but I think I must be satisfied and just continue to read and write more.

  4. #4
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    1,696
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Stieg, part four

    You made two small mistakes out of the entire text and one could have been an "a" (He could have a house on fire). Don't be so hard on yourself. You are becoming an excellent writer.

Similar Threads

  1. Stieg, part three
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 16-Jan-2014, 21:03
  2. "Stieg," part two
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 16-Jan-2014, 19:23
  3. "Stieg" part one
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 16-Jan-2014, 19:12
  4. Christmas/ New Year learners' dictionary Part 5 (final part)
    By Alex Case in forum General Language Discussions
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 16-Dec-2010, 22:47
  5. peripheral part, surrounding part, periphery
    By manky in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 17-Mar-2006, 06:51

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •