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  1. #1
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    Default 【poem】 Can you correct my translation? THANKS!!!

    I like one poem, which was written by fairy poet______Li Bai (a Chinese poet, 701-762 )
    I want to translate it into English, and I hope teachers can put it right.
    Thanks a lot!!!






    Heartfelt uneasiness about old friend Wang Chang-lin



    1) Catkins wafts in air and drifts in flow,

    I can hear cuckoos wailing in a plaintive whine,

    2) You will be degraded to Long-biao by
    an arduous tramping over hill and dale.



    3) Entrust my heart of grief and worrit to bright moon,

    4) Let it effulge you to the west of Ye-lang,
    with gusts of wind blow.




    PS:
    I) Wang chang-lin and Li Bai were very good firiends, and they are both very famous poets in China.
    II) Ye-lang is a country in ancient China, and it belonds to minority nationality area.
    III) Long-biao is an ancient town, now called Qian-cheng in Huai-hua, a city in west of Hunan Province
    Last edited by dodonaomik; 27-Feb-2014 at 16:30.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: 【poem】 Can you correct my translation? THANKS!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by dodonaomik View Post
    I like one a poem (no comma required here) which was written by fairy poet______Li Bai (a Chinese poet, 701-762).
    I want to translate it into English (no comma required here) and I hope teachers can put it right.
    Thanks a lot!!! No exclamation marks were required at all but if you really want to use one, then one is enough.

    Heartfelt uneasiness about old friend Wang Chang-lin

    1) Catkins wafts in air and drifts in flow,

    I can hear cuckoos wailing in a plaintive whine,

    2) You will be degraded to Long-biao by
    an arduous tramping over hill and dale.

    3) Entrust my heart of grief and worrit to bright moon,

    4) Let it effulge you to the west of Ye-lang,
    with gusts of wind blow.


    PS:
    I) Wang chang-lin and Li Bai were very good firiends friends (no comma required here) and they are both very famous poets in China.
    II) Ye-lang is a country in ancient China, and it belongs to a minority nationality area.
    III) Long-biao is an ancient town, now called Qian-cheng in Huai-hua, a city in the west of Hunan Province.
    My first question is "What is a fairy poet?"

    1. Catkins is plural so the two verbs in the first line need to agree with it.
    2. I don't know what you mean by "You will be degraded to". How can someone be degraded to the name of an ancient town.
    3. What is "worrit"? I would put "the" before "bright moon".
    4. What is "effulge"? I don't know why "blow" is there. You could just say "with gusts of wind". If you need to add a verb, then "blowing" would work.

    Of course, we have no idea if this is a good translation from Chinese because a) we don't have the Chinese version and b) even if we did, the majority of us wouldn't be able to read it anyway. All I have done is look at the English you have used. Poetry is not always easy to judge because it uses unusual and flowery language and is sometimes written to fit the rhythm and the cadence.

    Also see the amendments I made to the rest of your post in red.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: 【poem】 Can you correct my translation? THANKS!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    My first question is "What is a fairy poet?"
    Yes! "A fairy poet" may be inappropriate. Now I feel that it's appropriate to call him "a supernatural poet".
    Li Bai is almost the most famous poet in ancient China and had a marvelous gift.
    ( Some Chinese call him "a fairy poet".)

  4. #4
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    Default Re: 【poem】 Can you correct my translation? THANKS!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    My first question is "What is a fairy poet?"

    1. Catkins is plural so the two verbs in the first line need to agree with it.
    2. I don't know what you mean by "You will be degraded to". How can someone be degraded to the name of an ancient town.
    3. What is "worrit"? I would put "the" before "bright moon".
    4. What is "effulge"? I don't know why "blow" is there. You could just say "with gusts of wind". If you need to add a verb, then "blowing" would work..
    1) Yes, I made many mistakes and I 'm really too careless sometimes.
    2) Wang Chang-lin committed errors to irritate the emperor(i.g. he said some words the emperor didn't like to hear), so he was punished to go to
    a remote and laggard place to be a low goverment official( Originally he was a senior goverment official.).
    3) In dictionary "worrit" means "worry", I'm wrong? Yes, "the" should be put before "bright moon".
    4) In dictionary "effulge" means "shine", I'm wrong? Yes, "blow" is inappropriate here and I want to use "gale blowing."


    ps:
    I) There's only a small part of ancient Chinese poems that have been translated into English and I
    didn't find the translation of the poem.
    II) Wang Chang-lin was punished, and when Li Bai heard the news thousands miles away, he wrote the poem
    to express his innermost anxiety and concern. So I'm moved very much by their sincere and firm friendship.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: 【poem】 Can you correct my translation? THANKS!!!

    Heartfelt uneasiness about old friend Wang Chang-lin


    1) Catkins waft in air and drift in flow,
    I can hear cuckoos wailing in woe,


    2) You will be punished to Long-biao
    by an arduous tramping over hill and dale.

    3) Entrust my heart of grief and worry to the bright moon,

    4) Let moonlight shine you to the west of Ye-lang,
    with gusts of gale blow.



    ps
    I) I really like the poem and still want to use "blow" for the cadence.

    Is "gale blow" really inappropriate to be used here?

    II) I failed many times to reply, so I want to post three replies, please forgive me!!!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: 【poem】 Can you correct my translation? THANKS!!!

    English is my love, so I wouldn't give up it if possible.
    1st translation( by Xu, an expert or a professor of Chinese)



    To Wang Changlin Banished to the West

    All willow-down has fallen and sad cuckoos cry
    To hear you banished southwestward beyond Five Streams.

    I would confide my sorrow to the moon on high
    For it will follow you west of the Land of Dreams.




    COMMENT: I don't understand the word willow-down and in the poem some concrete place names are substituted by abstract nouns.
    ps: Longbiao( now called Qian-yang)
    Click image for larger version. 

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    Last edited by dodonaomik; 25-Apr-2014 at 15:31.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: 【poem】 Can you correct my translation? THANKS!!!

    Willow-down is a poetic way of describing catkins as the down (http://www.macmillandictionary.com/d...erican/down_87, definition one) of a willow tree.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: 【poem】 Can you correct my translation? THANKS!!!

    2nd translation by Chen( a professor)



    To Mr. Wang on hearing of His Demotion to Longbiao

    All willow catkins had been gone amid cries of the cuckoo,

    When I heard you were crossing Wuxi River's water flow.


    I now ask the wind to be my envoy to the west of Longbiao

    The bright moon and a feeling heart I will send to you









    Comment: I feel that "Mr." is redundant, and "Wuxi" is wrong and "Five treams" should be used here.

    PS: 1) Warmly welcome emsr2d2 and 5jj (also other teachers) to come to visit China. Ancient cities (not artficia ancient city) now are very rare because Chinese goverments and CCP not only would't maintain them but also destroyed them.


    2)4 figures for the poem
    Click image for larger version. 

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    Click image for larger version. 

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    3)In fact the translation will bring deflections as American poet Robert Frost ever said_____Poetry is what gets lost in translation.
    Last edited by dodonaomik; 25-Apr-2014 at 15:30.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: 【poem】 Can you correct my translation? THANKS!!!

    Geographic knowledge:
    In ancienct China if a place is located south of a mountain or north of a river, it will be called X阳(X yang, 阳 means sun.).
    whereas if a place is located north of a mountain or south a river, it will be called X阴(X yin, 阴 means shade.).

    Example:
    1)Qian-yang(黔阳, now called 黔城), a town in Huai-hua(怀化) city, Hu-nan(湖南) province, is located north of a river that's called Yuan-jiang(沅江) River. As the folloing figs.
    2)Heng-yang(衡阳), a city in Hu-nan(湖南) province, is located south of Heng-shan(衡山) that's one of five most famous mountains in China.
    3)Shan-yin(山阴), a county in Shan-xi(山西) province, is located north of Cui-wei-shan(翠微山) hill that's a remainder of Heng-shan(恒山) mountain.


    Origin:
    I guess that it's the origin of rule of naming that China is located in the northern hemisphere.
    Click image for larger version. 

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