While there is nothing wrong with your paragraph, you could try breaking down the ideas in your sentences with the aim of shortening them. Even though your sentences are grammatical, they are very complex (in my opinion) because they include multiple subordinate clauses. This complexity means the reader has to work a little harder to understand the message. If the whole text were written as densely as this, it may become difficult to understand. Ultimately, it is a question of style...
Hope this gives you food for thought.
- For Teachers