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  1. #1
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    Jul 2005
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    Default Just another disjointed writing...

    This was extracted from my blog. Please help me make it more English-like.
    Thank you in advance, teacher.

    ---------------------------------Start here------------------------------

    The scorching hot March unexpectedly made its end with a cascading rain, and a new & fresh April subsequently marked its arrival by the intensified "heat", in both figurative and literary meaning. Pressure is pushing up. Anxiety is gaining its strength and worries pervades the air as usual. It's a pretty sure bet that you can guess what I mean here. Yup, that's it. It's the time for boosting up studies, gearing up oneself and sketching out plans. It's the time for cramming. It's the time for the upcoming final-term EXAMS.

    However, one goddamn f**king thing remains unchanged. That is myself. Laziness still undesirably shows no sign of declining. Meanwhile, passion of studying still does not kick in. And, the outlook seems to be bleaker than ever when I couldn't understand most of the subjects being taught. Now I wonder if I could "survive" in the final-term exams Image. With the thought that my laziness will catch up with me in the end, I must be more studious and concentrated now, if not, come May, it will be too late...

    Today I enrolled in Ms Dung's list of the so-called "science researchers", but a sense of ambivalence and uncertainty were left in my mind. The worth of this decision is still questionable due to the underlying fact: I have no idea whether or not I am capable enough of doing researchs. Well, that's that. No matter what it will cost, I must determinedly pursue it. In for a penny, in for a pound, right ?

    P.S : It's a commonly-held fact that every whys must have its wherefores. Everything happens in the wake of sth else. Every consequences all is attributable to its particular causes. In other words, there would be no smoke without fire. Every great thing....every trivial thing...all has its own reasons for existence. And it only matters whether or not you figure out its causes. But, sooner or later, truth to be out, facts to be revealed, and reality to be exposed.

    You may ask: "What the f**k is this philosophically-sound writing for ? Are you a nut ?"...You sure will understand it with time...


    -------------------------------End here------------------------------

  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Default Re: Just another disjointed writing...

    Please help me teachers !!!

  3. #3
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Just another disjointed writing...

    You're mixing styles here- there's some failry formal and desc`riptive language mixed with slang, which gives the piece a slightly strange air. I'd be careful about swearing- the use of 'goddam f***ing' sounds strange to me. The phrase is used- there are examples on the web, but the use of the two together here strikes me as odd- I think one would be enough. If you look at examples (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&s...ng%22&spell=1), you'll see that many of them use the phrase after f***ing has already been used earlier in the sentence, so the second time it's used, 'goddamn' is aded to reinforce the statement. When swearing or using slang, I would advise caution, simply because doing it the wrong way sounds very unnatural.

    My second point is stylistic- I think you have a tendency towards wordiness, the use of more words than necessary. Here's an example:

    The scorching hot March unexpectedly made its end with a cascading rain, and a new & fresh April subsequently marked its arrival by the intensified "heat", in both figurative and literary meaning

    I'm not sure what you mean exactly by 'cacsading' rain, but I assume you're talking about very heavy rain. If so, then you could say something like this:
    March was scorching and ended, unexpectedly, in downpours, and April brought an intensified heat, both literally and figuratively.
    That seems to me to be more concise and packs the same information in fewer words; George Orwell said that 'If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.' (http://www.resort.com/~prime8/Orwell/patee.html - BTW, this is an excellent piece to read on English style)

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