[Essay] Can you check the writing style of this poetic essay (a trnslation)

[nidahasa]

hi,

Here is a translation i have done. Original language is Sinhala. You can call it a novel but rather a poetic one. The original writer users metaphors, rhythmic terms and a very romantic language. I tried to preserve the feeling of original work as much as possible. Can you check it for it's wiring style? I also like to know weather i have been successful in translating original idea and the feeling.

Thank you

Essay:

The noon was burning high.

There was no much distance between my feets and the head of my shadow.
It was so hot that every meltable thing could have been melted.
The whole Kollupitiya was smoking.
Even in the noon, I was searching for my guiding star, through my dazzling eyes.
Even the sweat coming out of me, in the name of her, cooled me down in this burning city; tickling me to numb.

But, the noon was still burning high.

The smoking kollupitiya failed to overcome my numbed body.
Sun was all over my body, but my mind remained cool.
When concrete beams melting down, my love remained intact.
While a thousand and one people passing by, i remained still in Kollupitiya; with my mind, my love and my nervousness; longing for the sight of her.
Finally she came: bringing a cool breeze to Kollupitiya and mountain of love for me.

Noon freezed; i fired up.

Smiling through her eyes, kissing the wind with her coiffure, beating the rhythm with her hip, she stepped in, leaving footprints on the snow, before shaking off snowflex from her hat and shoulders.
Snow.
Yes, snow fallen from the sky.
You wouldn’t believe; but, on that day, at that moment, it snowed in Kollupitiya; the whole Kollupitiya was frozen.

Noon covered with snow; i was burning.

Everybody were curled up in their homes and offices. Few people in their snow jackets were cleaning snow off the road. Beside that, it was only her and me. The cold Kollupitiya was staring at us.
Our breaths only increased the humidity of the air.
She didn’t talk; i didn’t want to either.
If there’s snow, if it is cold, if we are close and the love is flowing like a river, what is there for words to do? Nothing.

Noon became colder; Barista was warm.

Touching each other, stepping on the frozen ground, we walked into Barista, Barista was already warming up few cold couples. The smell of hot coffee in Barista, mixed with the smell of her love. Accompanied with the lite music, echoed the voice of love.
The voice of love:
have you ever heard it?
The compilation of all the sweet and bitter melodies of the world: the song of happiness and sorrow: the inner note of you, me and all of us.
I really did hear her voice of love.

The frozen Kollupitiya was so silent; I felt the ecstasy.

She raised the voice of love; silently.
If i could write down this beautiful moment as a delicate song, on her lips…
If i could paint the color of love on those lips, in a way that it couldn't be covered up with lipsticks..
If i could put a mark of me on those lips, to feel merry everytime it’s been seen on a mirror...
My eyes winked at her.

Barista was warm; I was burning; she was cold.
I longed for her to come to me.
I longed for her.
I longed for her.
I longed for her.
Suddenly she passed by me; the snow vanished.
She walked through the city, under her umbrella, passing me, without even looking at me.

The noon really was burning high; in the midst of Kollupitiya, i became standstill.

 

[samuelblazer]

your writing is good enough.it will work no dobts.you can modify it by doing some search on it also. :up:

 

[nidahasa]

your writing is good enough.it will work no dobts.you can modify it by doing some search on it also. :up:

thank you. i'm hoping to publish my translations, so i need them to be in that standards. So, i appreciate some more detailed reviews. By the way, what you mean by "doing some search on it"?

 

[Tdol]

If you want to publish it, you will need to get a professional proofreader to do this- we are a language discussion site, not a free proofreader. This needs a lot of work - for example, no much distance between my feet has two mistakes in it- not much distance and my feet. Also, literary translation is an art that has to try to capture the artistry in the original language in a new language, which is more than simply pointing out a few grammatical errors.