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  1. #1
    abrilsp Guest

    a piece of writing

    Hi :)

    How are the paragraphs below?

    "It was two weeks ago when I attended to an enjoyable party; it was for one of my best friendís birthday, Mary. It took place in her nice and spacious country house.
    I remember meeting the charming Peter, well actually it was a difficult person to forget; flashy clothes and tousled hair, which made it a bit tricky to lose track of him. Peter was very tall, and he had big problems when moving in this old cottage with the original beams and low ceilings. Peter was very friendly and kind to me, making sure that I was comfortable at the party and I did not run out of drink. He introduced me to others of his buddies.
    Anne was a bit coy at the beginning but after a while and a few glasses of wine you could not make her stop talking, actually it was a real pleasure to speak to as her interest and hobbits were very similar to mine, being difficult to run out of conversation. She was not a very tall person, with a long, brown hair and very sleek skin.
    Anne love dancing so we spent a lot of time in the dance floor, making fool of ourselves as everybody else. At the end of the day this is what parties are for! "

    Thanks a lot for your time,

    abrilsp

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: a piece of writing

    The Party (Comments and suggestions.)

    "It was two weeks ago when I attended to an enjoyable party; it was for one of my best friendís birthday, Mary. It took place in her nice and spacious country house.
    • Two weeks ago I attended an enjoyable party. It was a birthday party for Mary, one of my best friends. It took place in her nice and spacious country house.

    I remember meeting the charming Peter, well actually it was a difficult person to forget; flashy clothes and tousled hair, which made it a bit tricky to lose track of him. Peter was very tall, and he had big problems when moving in this old cottage with the original beams and low ceilings.
    • I remember meeting the charming Peter, who made an unforgettable impression. He wore flashy clothes. He was very tall, and he had tousled hair. I remember that he had trouble moving about in that old cottage with original beams and low ceilings.

    You don't want to use tricky to lose track of, because that makes it seem like you were trying to lose track of him.

    :)

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: a piece of writing

    Peter was very friendly and kind to me, making sure that I was comfortable at the party and I did not run out of drink. He introduced me to others of his buddies.
    • Peter was very friendly and kind to me, making sure that I was comfortable at the party and that I did not run out of drink. He introduced me to some of his buddies.
    Anne was a bit coy at the beginning but after a while and a few glasses of wine you could not make her stop talking, actually it was a real pleasure to speak to as her interest and hobbits were very similar to mine, being difficult to run out of conversation. She was not a very tall person, with a long, brown hair and very sleek skin.
    What is another way of saying she loosened up and became talkative? What is another way of saying that you discovered that you have similar interests and hobbies? Is there a better way of saying that she is not very tall?
    Anne love[s] dancing so we spent a lot of time in the dance floor, making fool of ourselves as everybody else. At the end of the day this is what parties are for! "
    How would you change Anne loves dancing so that statement is not ambiguous?

    :)

  4. #4
    abrilsp Guest
    thanks a lot RonBee!
    Let's see,

    Quote:
    Anne was a bit coy at the beginning but after a while and a few glasses of wine you could not make her stop talking, actually it was a real pleasure to speak to as her interest and hobbits were very similar to mine, being difficult to run out of conversation. She was not a very tall person, with a long, brown hair and very sleek skin.

    What is another way of saying she loosened up and became talkative? What is another way of saying that you discovered that you have similar interests and hobbies? Is there a better way of saying that she is not very tall?
    "Anne was a bit coy at the beginning but after a while and a few glasses fo wine she talked nineteen to the dozen, actually it was a real pleasure to speak to because we share similar interests, being difficult to run out of conversation. She was short, with a long and brown hair and very sleek skin."

    How was that? When discribing the phisical description, can I use present tense?

    How would you change Anne loves dancing so that statement is not ambiguous?
    Personally I do not find it ambiguous, perhaps you could say "Anne likes dancing".

    Again, many thanks
    abrilsp

  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by abrilsp
    thanks a lot RonBee!
    Let's see,

    Quote:
    Anne was a bit coy at the beginning but after a while and a few glasses of wine you could not make her stop talking, actually it was a real pleasure to speak to as her interest and hobbits were very similar to mine, being difficult to run out of conversation. She was not a very tall person, with a long, brown hair and very sleek skin.

    What is another way of saying she loosened up and became talkative? What is another way of saying that you discovered that you have similar interests and hobbies? Is there a better way of saying that she is not very tall?
    "Anne was a bit coy at the beginning but after a while and a few glasses fo wine she talked nineteen to the dozen, actually it was a real pleasure to speak to because we share similar interests, being difficult to run out of conversation. She was short, with a long and brown hair and very sleek skin."

    How was that? When discribing the phisical description, can I use present tense?
    That is much better. I would change it just a bit. Perhaps:
    • Anne was a bit coy at the beginning but after a while and a few glasses of wine she talked nineteen to the dozen. It was a real pleasure talking to her, because we share similar interests, and we never ran out of things to talk about. She is short, with long, wavy brown hair and very sleek skin.


    I am unfamiliar with the phrase talked nineteen to the dozen. Nevertheless, because of context, I had no trouble understanding it. I would use present tense with the physical description. After all, if the party was only a week ago, she is probably still short. (You could also use petite there.) :wink:

    Quote Originally Posted by abrilsp
    How would you change Anne loves dancing so that statement is not ambiguous?
    Personally I do not find it ambiguous, perhaps you could say "Anne likes dancing".
    You are probably right. Nevertheless, I would say, "Anne likes to dance," which not only makes it clear that Anne likes to be the one doing the dancing (rather than watching), but also, and perhaps more important, is, I think, a more "active" expression. (I hope that's clear.)

    :)

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