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  1. #1
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    Default Dialogue writing

    Hi,
    I was writing a dialogue based on a BBC article, which states, that hoodies should be banned from shopping malls. I find it pretty hard to write what people say. Could you give me some tips for improvement?
    Claire
    Shop manager: S
    Teenager : T
    S: Excuse me, Sir.
    T: Yes?
    S: Hoodies are banned from our shop. Would you please leave?
    T: What is wrong with you guys? You aren't serious, are you?
    S: I am. The door is over there. (there / here? I am not that sure…)
    T: But – it's only clothes. Why do you do this?
    S: Well, one point is, that we don't tolerate intimidating behaviour and bad language in our shop. The other point is, that hoodies make problems with being identified, if the wearers steal something. (this sentence sounds awful. But I don't know, how to make it better)
    T: Of course. All of us are rude, bad-behaved teenagers, who steal everywhere we go. Why not just ban us all from the shops? Tell me, if you saw an old lady wearing a hood, would you ask her to leave the shop?
    S: That's not the point.
    T: I know. But this will not make a difference to anything, apart from that you'll lose loads of costumers and there will be loads of really annoyed teenagers going around.
    S: The door is over there.
    T: You didn't need to remind me. I was planning to leave anyway.

  2. #2
    Ouisch's Avatar
    Ouisch is offline Moderator
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      • English Teacher
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    Default Re: Dialogue writing

    I'm not sure how the law works - do shopowners give people the option of removing their hoodies (so they can just carry it with them)? If so, you might want to add something like this:

    S: Hoodies are banned from our shop. You'll have to remove it, or else I'll have to ask you to please leave.


    S: I am. The door is over there. (there / here? I am not that sure…) This sentence is fine ("there" is correct).


    Possible revision for this sentence:
    S: Well, one point is, that we don't tolerate intimidating behaviour and bad language in our shop. Also, for our own protection and that of our customers, our security cameras must be able to take a clear picture of you.


    T: Of course. All of us are rude, bad-behaved teenagers, who steal everywhere we go. Why not just ban us all from the shops? Tell me, if you saw an old lady wearing a hood, would you ask her to leave the shop?
    S: That's not the point. NOTE:Perhaps here, instead of the manager saying "That's not the point" he could be more assertive. "I'm not here to debate the rules, I am here to enforce them. If you don't comply with our policy, you are welcome to leave."

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