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  1. #1
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    Angry how bad is this composition

    I am a sudent learning English.As a matter of fact,I've been studying it for ten years.I found no problems communicating with others on English forums,however,almost everytime in exams my composition was marked very low.My teacher says they are not understandable.

    A few hours ago I wrote another one,and it was commented the same.I doubt if it is really that bad.The text was like this:

    Direction. For this part,you are allowed 30 minutes to write a composition on the topic"Traffic Accident in CS(city name)" Study the following table carefully and your composition must be based on the information given in the table.Write your composition in two paragraphs to
    1>state the changes in traffic accidents within six month;
    2>draw your conclusions
    ________________________
    Months | Injured | Dead |
    ----------------------------------
    July | 20 | 3 |
    ----------------------------------
    August | 22 | 4 |
    ----------------------------------
    - |
    - |
    ----------------------------------
    December| 49 | 14 |
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    And my work:
    Traffic Accidents in CS
    The number of injuries caused by traffic accidents has been increasing for the last 6 months,20 in July while 49 in December,similar with which the number of death grew due to a latest report from the authority.

    The government officals have been puzzled why this happened provided that people drink more wine in hot weather and summer makes more sleepy eyes. One claimed that a group of specialist will look further into it.

    Whatever reasons may that be,people both on and off the wheels shall be more concentrated on the road considering that loss of life occurs otherwise.


    Such short passage may be only kid's job for you native English speakers,so please help me.Any way is ok,listing my mistakes,giving better words or phrases for substitute,etc. I do want to know how bad it is!
    ps:the numbers given in the text is not logical in my opinion.how could cold weather have more traffic accidents.lol.

    welcome to contact me on this topic.my email is EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead

  2. #2
    queenbu's Avatar
    queenbu is offline Senior Member
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    Re: how bad is this composition

    Traffic Accidents in CS
    According to a recent report from the authority,the number of injuries caused by traffic accidents has steadily increased over the last 6 months,49 in December compared to 20 in July .Consequently the number of deaths has also increased.
    The government officals are puzzled as to why this has happened considering that people drink more wine in hot weather (do they???) and summer makes one feel more sleepy.A group of specialists will look further into it.
    Whatever the reasons may be,people both on and off the wheels (do you mean both drivers and pedestrians?)will be more careful on the road considering (or knowing) that their life is threatened.
    Such short passage may be only kid's job for you native English speakers,so please help me.Any way is ok,listing my mistakes,giving better words or phrases for substitute,etc. I do want to know how bad it is!
    ps:the numbers given in the text is not logical in my opinion.how could cold weather have more traffic accidents.lol.

    Remember in December the weather might have an influence on road accidents-rain,ice,snow etc all make roads more hazardous.Also,there are more festivities(Christmas,New Year's Eve) and people tend to have a drink too much.Also,when it's cold people drink more to warm up!
    I tried to stay as close to your text as possible.Sometimes it is just a bit difficult to understand what you really want to say.I'm not a teacher of English and I'm sure that the more qualified teachers on this site will pinpoint some important mistakes you are making.

  3. #3
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    Re: how bad is this composition

    I do appreciate your words,thank you so much.Maybe I am the illogical one.
    Some times when I write I try to make some long sentences using clauses, but I make a lot of mistakes.What should I do besides going through some granmer and structure books?(Not using them isn't a good option)

  4. #4
    Ouisch's Avatar
    Ouisch is offline Moderator
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    Re: how bad is this composition

    The number of injuries caused by traffic accidents has been increasing for the last 6 months, with a total of 20 in July, and 49 in December. The number of traffic deaths also grew according to a latest report from authorities.
    Government officals have been puzzled as to why this happened. It is speculated that people drink more beer and wine in hot weather, which makes more sleepy eyes. A group of specialists will look further into it.
    [NOTE: Another thought: Hot weather plus heavy traffic equals ill-tempered, more aggressive drivers.]

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