Please help me to correct grammar of my essay.

[mashf]

Hello,

I am working on my grammar issues. Could any body find my mistakes?

The tittle of my essay is:
People today spent too much time on personal enjoyment. Doing things they like to do rather than doing things they should do.
and here is my essay:

Some people agree that it is more worthwhile to spend much time on personal enjoyment while others prefer to do things they should do. There are persuasive reasons to align myself with the second group.
Every man or woman would like to enjoy his or her life. Most of the people wish to be rich and spend all of their time on personal enjoyment. As a case in point, I strongly desire to travel around the world; but there is such a big problem. If I do not work hard, I cannot get enough money to realize my desires. Consequently, I should work hard to achieve a position that I deserved. To achieve success, one should do some works that he may not enjoy doing it.
Success, happiness, enjoyment are some of the main desires of human. One can achieve them one by one. If a person works hard with a good plan, he can achieve success. If he achieves success, he certainly will be happy and will enjoy his moments. For example, during my life I hate to study. When I was 16, I thought a lot about studying and its result. At those days, I dreamed where I am now. I liked to be an electrical engineer. Even I hate to study I really studied hard to be admitted in a good university in the field of Electrical Engineering, which is one of the difficult majors.
Briefly, people who are rich could spend too much time on personal enjoyment. However, I and middle-class people should work hard to achieve success; in this way some tasks might be disgusting. From my standpoint, if one achieves success, he could be in full enjoyment; his life would be more convenient and more comfortable and more thrilling.

 

[Tarheel]

Is this somebody's homework?

(Some free advice: space between paragraphs.)

 

[mashf]

It is not homework. I have recently studied a grammar book. I just wrote some essays to examine myself.
I wonder if you could help me.

 

[Tarheel]

It is not homework. I have recently studied a grammar book. I just wrote some essays to examine myself.
I wonder if you could help me.

Yes, I can help you. Don't use that phrase ("examine myself"). I am out of time now. I will look at the essay later.

 

[Raymott]

I'll give you one tip. In these IELTS type essays where you have to discuss a proposition and say whether you agree or not, the most common, boring, and useless beginning is, "Some people think that X is the right thing to do, whereas others believed that not-X is the right thing to do." If that weren't the case, you wouldn't be asked this type of question.
Are you taught to start an essay that way? Can you think of something more creative?

 

[Tarheel]

Hello,

I am working on my grammar issues. Could anybody find my mistakes?

The title of my essay is:
People today spent too much time on personal enjoyment. They spend too much time doing things they like to do rather than doing things they should do.

 

[Tarheel]

To agree with something there has to be something to agree with.

Some people think that it is more worthwhile to spend much time on personal enjoyment, while others prefer to do things to improve themselves.

Or:

Some people think that it is more worthwhile to spend much time on personal enjoyment, while others prefer to work hard to get ahead in life.


​

 

[Tarheel]

There are persuasive reasons to align myself with the second group.

Try:

People might want what they want and want to get what they want right away, but it is better to set goals and work toward achieving those goals. When they do that they will find a fulfillment that is deeper and longer lasting. True, it is work to learn how to postpone gratification, but when we do that we find that both the journey and the destination create within us a lasting, meaningful personhood.
​

What do you think?

 

[Tarheel]

.
Every man or woman would like to enjoy his or her life. Most people wish to be rich and spend all of their time on personal enjoyment. As a case in point, I strongly desire to travel around the world; but there is such a big problem. If I do not work hard, I cannot get enough money to realize my desires. Consequently, I should work hard to achieve a position that I deserve. To achieve success, one might need to work at something he doesn't enjoy doing.

I would say "Most people want to be..." but "wish" is not wrong.

 

[Tarheel]

Success, happiness, and enjoyment are some of the main desires of human beings. One can achieve them one by one. If a person works hard and has a a good plan, he can achieve success. If he achieves success, he certainly will be happy and will enjoy his moments. For example, [STRIKE]during my life[/STRIKE] I hate to study. When I was 16, I thought a lot about studying and its result. During those days, I dreamed becoming what I am now. I wanted to become an electrical engineer. Even I hate to study, I really studied hard to be admitted to a good university in the field of electrical engineering, which is one of the difficult majors.

Briefly, people who are rich [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] spend too much time on personal enjoyment. However, I (and other middle-class people) need to work hard to achieve success. On the way toward achieving your goal you might have to do some things you don't particularly enjoy doing. From my standpoint, if one achieves success, he could be in full enjoyment; his life would be more convenient and more comfortable and more thrilling.

A couple of final comments. I am not sure what full enjoyment is. I am not sure what it means for a person's life to be convenient (or more convenient). And "more comfortable" and "more thrilling" do not go together.

 

[mashf]

Try:

People might want what they want and want to get what they want right away, but it is better to set goals and work toward achieving those goals. When they do that they will find a fulfillment that is deeper and longer lasting. True, it is work to learn how to postpone gratification, but when we do that we find that both the journey and the destination create within us a lasting, meaningful personhood.
​

What do you think?

I wrote this essay in 30 minute. I know that my introduction is not good. It is so hard for me to prepare a good introduction. I'm used to starting my essays by historical events. However, in this essay I could not imagine anything.

 

[mashf]

A couple of final comments. I am not sure what full enjoyment is. I am not sure what it means for a person's life to be convenient (or more convenient). And "more comfortable" and "more thrilling" do not go together.

Thank you very very much for your help. Your tips are so useful.

You mean that It is better to use this sentence:
If one achieves success, he could be in full enjoyment; his life would be convenient and comfortable.

 

[Tarheel]

I wrote this essay in 30 minutes. I know that my introduction is not good. It is so hard for me to prepare a good introduction. I'm used to starting my essays by historical events. However, in this essay I could not imagine anything.

OK, but what do you think about what I came up with?

 

[Tarheel]

Thank you very very much for your help. Your tips are so useful.

You mean that It is better to use this sentence:
If one achieves success, he could be in full enjoyment; his life would be convenient and comfortable.

Perhaps:

If a person achieves success he will be happy. He will feel good about himself.
​

The words "convenient" and "comfortable" don't work for me as ways to describe someone's life. (You can say a person is "comfortable" as a way of saying he is financially well-off.)

 

[mashf]

OK, but what do you think about what I came up with?

I think you made accurate sentences about what I said. I told that "Some people think that it is more worthwhile to spend much time on personal enjoyment, while others prefer to improve themselves". I agree with you. Setting suitable goals and working toward them is the important issue that I did not mention it.

 

[Tarheel]

I think you made accurate sentences about what I said. I said that "Some people think that it is more worthwhile to spend much time on personal enjoyment, while others prefer to improve themselves". I agree with you. Setting suitable goals and working toward them is the important issue that I did not mention[STRIKE] it[/STRIKE].

Well, I always agree with myself, so I naturally agree with you when you agree with me.
;-)