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  1. #1
    abrilsp Guest

    Default some feedback please

    Hi :)

    How is the text below?

    "Andres Ortiz is the prisoner number KW1769 from Feltham jail, on the outskirts of London. He is behind bars for being an illegal immigrant. Without being accused, courted or a convicted prisoner, he pines away since 16 months ago in a prison for juvenile delinquents, surrounded by people who has raped, killed and robbed. There he received CAMBIO 16.
    His story starts in a Colombian town, which he does not want to mention because of the risk he takes of being deported. His stepfather, Roberto Gomez, bought a stall to sell hot dogs at the beginning of 1987 without knowing that, the former owner also used it to sell drugs. When the local mafia required him to continue with the business, he refused in several occasions. Then, the threats started. He received almost a half a dozen of anonymous letters. In the end, the stall was burnt and he was required to leave the country.
    In September of this year, Roberto left to go London. Then, he made his first mistake. Instead of seeking political asylum, he entered as a tourist and remained illegally in the country. “I did not know what to do and I was scared”, he says. So he immersed himself in the world of the Latino Americans without documentation that work for little more than 420 pesetas per hour cleaning toilets or doing the washing up. "

    Many thanks,

    abrilsp

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default

    It's not bad altogether, but the devil is in the details. :wink:

    Let's look at the first paragraph.

    "Andres Ortiz is the prisoner number KW1769 from Feltham jail, on the outskirts of London. He is behind bars for being an illegal immigrant. Without being accused, courted or a convicted prisoner, he pines away since 16 months ago in a prison for juvenile delinquents, surrounded by people who has raped, killed and robbed. There he received CAMBIO 16.
    The first sentence doesn't need the definite article (the). Also, use at instead of from. The third sentence needs to be entirely rewritten. (Say: without being accused or convicted of anything.) Tell the reader what CAMBIO 16 is.

    Let's look at the second paragraph.

    His story starts in a Colombian town, which he does not want to mention because of the risk he takes of being deported. His stepfather, Roberto Gomez, bought a stall to sell hot dogs at the beginning of 1987 without knowing that, the former owner also used it to sell drugs. When the local mafia required him to continue with the business, he refused in several occasions. Then, the threats started. He received almost a half a dozen of anonymous letters. In the end, the stall was burnt and he was required to leave the country.
    In the first sentence, what you want to say is that he doesn't want to admit he is from Colombia because he doesn't want to be sent back (deported). The second sentence is a perfect example of when the past perfect should be used. Rewrite the third sentence, and make it two sentences. You don't need the comma in the third sentence. Thus, it should be: "Then the threats started." Say a half dozen or half a dozen. Say the stall was burned down or burnt to the ground.

    :)

  3. #3
    abrilsp Guest

    Default

    Thanks RonBee


    Rewrite the third sentence, and make it two sentences. You don't need the comma in the third sentence.
    When the local mafia required him to continue with the business, he refused in several occasions. Then, the threats started.
    I am not sure what you mean.


  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: some feedback please

    Quote Originally Posted by abrilsp
    His story starts in a Colombian town, which he does not want to mention because of the risk he takes of being deported. His stepfather, Roberto Gomez, bought a stall to sell hot dogs at the beginning of 1987 without knowing that, the former owner also used it to sell drugs. When the local mafia required him to continue with the business, he refused in several occasions. Then, the threats started. He received almost a half a dozen of anonymous letters. In the end, the stall was burnt and he was required to leave the country.
    • He doesn't want the authorities to know he is from Colombia, because he is afraid he will be deported. In the Colombian town he is from, his stepfather had, at the beginning of 1987, bought a stall for selling hotdogs without knowing that the former owner had used it to sell drugs. The local mafia demanded that he continue the previous business. He refused their demands on several occasions. Then the threats started. He received almost half a dozen anonymous letters containing threats. In the end, the stall was burned to the ground, and he was forced to leave the country.

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