[Grammar] could anyone help me to check my writing ? 4

[Vincen't Wong]

showing my immature writing again

topic:
In your housing estate, a gang of criminals has been tricking old people into giving them money. On behalf of the Owners' Association of the estate, write to the Post about an incident that took place recently. Describe how the old person was tricked, what the victim lost, and explain some of the measures your association has taken to protect people from being tricked in future.

Dear editor,
I am writing on behalf of the Owners’ Association of the estate of ABC estate to express my concern on recent criminal incidents. In ABC estate, many old people were tricking by a gang of criminals, and they thus lost money, I would like to describe a serious incident that took place last week and provide some suggestion to stop the tricks happen in the future.
First of all, that an old woman called Sam was being tricked is one of the serious and remarkable crimes recently. Last month, Sam met a young lady called Mary when she was shopping. They became best friends very soon. Mary claimed that she was a diviner and could help Sam to divine people’ future. Sam was so excited, and she asked for Mary to check her son’s future. Unfortunately, Mary told her that her son would be dead in the nearly future because it is his fate. Sam was crying so hard as she really loved her son. At this moment, Mary said that she could help Sam but she needed money to prepare for an altar which could help her son to avoid the disaster. Therefore, Sam gave her all the saving in her banks immediately. After that, the young lady disappeared, and no one could find her despite the fact that Sam’s son had called the police.
In this case, Sam lost 4 million dollars and much jewelry. However, the case is just one of the all in our estate. I am of the view that the Government, citizens and mass media should do something to prevent the tragedy happening again.
To begin with, government should increase the penalty of criminals who tricked others. Our current penalty is not tough enough to deter criminals from doing bad things. If they get caught, they just need to pay little penalty to government and do some trivial community service. Many greedy criminals will therefore want to take the risk to trick ignorant and innocent old people like Sam. With higher penalty, many criminals will be afraid of the law and the consequence so they would not dare to trick others anymore. In addition, government can also set up a task force and increase manpower to catch these criminals, I am sure that the plans could increase criminal cases detection rate and reduce crime rate in our estate.
Besides, old people should be aware of criminals, mass media should publish and report all the tricks happen in our city such as by TV shows, radio, Internet and newspapers. Therefore, more and more people can be aware of the danger of those criminals, and they will learn the experience from those unfortunate cases through mass media. It is really helpful to diminish the likelihood of them to be tricked.
For citizens and residents, they should report any suspicious tricks to police and take care of old people to avoid them to be tricked by criminals. Our joint effort is necessary to reduce crime rate in the estate and alleviate police’s pressure of many cases.
Finally, I hope that Sam’s incident would not happen again. I believe that the Government, media and citizens could accept my above mentioned to solve the problem for old people and our estate.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

 

[teechar]

Some comments:
1 - You should read your own writing before handing it over to a teacher or proofreader. For example, look at L2 "the Owners’ Association of the estate of ABC estate".

2 - Make your writing realistic: "Sam lost 4 million dollars and much jewelry".

3 - Do not stray off course. Here, you were asked to "explain some of the measures your association has (already) taken to protect people from being tricked in future", but you actually gave suggestions even involving the government!

The last point is extremely important, and I've seen many students lose valuable marks because they answered the wrong question.

Try writing your letter again and we'll look at it for you. ;-)

 

[Vincen't Wong]

Some comments:
1 - You should read your own writing before handing it over to a teacher or proofreader. For example, look at L2 "the Owners’ Association of the estate of ABC estate".

2 - Make your writing realistic: "Sam lost 4 million dollars and much jewelry".

3 - Do not stray off course. Here, you were asked to "explain some of the measures your association has (already) taken to protect people from being tricked in future", but you actually gave suggestions even involving the government!

The last point is extremely important, and I've seen many students lose valuable marks because they answered the wrong question.

Try writing your letter again and we'll look at it for you. ;-)

That was a biggest mistake
thank you so much for your reminder,i wont make these mistakes again!

Here is my rewriting:

In your housing estate, a gang of criminals has been tricking old people into giving them money. On behalf of the Owners' Association of the estate, write to the Post about an incident that took place recently. Describe how the old person was tricked, what the victim lost, and explain some of the measures your association has taken to protect people from being tricked in future.

Dear editor,
I am writing on behalf of the Owners’ Association of ABC estate to express my concerns on recent criminal incidents. In ABC estate, many old people were tricked by a gang of criminals, and they thus lost money, I would like to describe a serious incident that took place last week and provide some suggestion we have done to stop the tricks happen again in the future.
First of all, that an old woman called Sam was being tricked is one of the serious and remarkable crimes recently. Last month, Sam met a young lady called Mary when she was shopping. They became best friends very soon. Mary claimed that she was a diviner and could help Sam to divine people’ future. Sam was so excited, and she asked for Mary to check her son’s future. Unfortunately, Mary told her that her son would be dead in the nearly future because it was his fate. Sam was crying so hard as she really loved her son. At this moment, Mary said that she could help Sam but she needed money to prepare for an altar which could help her son to avoid the disaster. Therefore, Sam gave her all the saving in her banks immediately. After that, the young lady disappeared, and no one could find her despite the fact that Sam’s son had called the police.
In this case, Sam lost 40000 dollars and much jewelry. However, the case is just one of the all in our estate. In order to prevent other cases which are similar to Sam’s from happening again. We have done some measures to solve the serious problem.
To begin with, we set up a special task force and hired a number of security guides to patrol our estate regularly. For example, the patrolling times were increase to 5 a day from 3 a day. Once they find out someone is tricking, they will call the police and protect the victims at once. Therefore, it could deter many criminals from doing bad thing and reduces the loss of victims. In the long term, the plan could increase criminal cases detection rate and reduce crime rate in our estate.
Besides, raising awareness of residents through education is an effective measure we have been doing since Sam’s case happened. We exploited mass media to publish and report all the tricks happened in our city such as by TV shows, radio, Internet and newspapers. Therefore, more and more people have gained the sense of awareness of the danger of those criminals and they have learned the experience from reviewing those unfortunate cases. Also, we have post some posters around the estate to inform all residents for protecting themselves from criminals. It is really helpful to diminish the likelihood of them to be tricked and to scare criminals who were noticed by public.
For citizens and residents, we have invited them to report any suspicious people to police immediately and take care of old people to avoid them to be tricked by criminals. We cannot just depend on police and government to do all the things and we should cooperate with them. Our joint effort is as necessary to reduce crime rate in the estate and alleviate police’s pressure of many cases.
Finally, I hope that Sam’s incident would not happen again. I believe that all above mentioned such as increase numbers of guides, education and citizens’ cooperation would be useful to help residents out the predicament.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

 

[teechar]

More comments:
1 – Some words are difficult to find synonyms for. In your case, it is perfectly acceptable to use “measures” in your answer. If you really want to change it, then look for the basic meaning and hopefully you'll find words such as “actions” or “steps”.

2 – You should plan out your response first and then write it. That means you need to have clearly delineated paragraphs, and each one should deal with one idea. Use line breaks to separate your paragraphs.

3 – Using transition expressions is great, but you used “First of all” needlessly in your letter. You could have just started that paragraph with “Last month ...”.

4 – Check your writing again and again yourself. For example, I think you mean “security guards” instead of “security guides” and “local media” instead of “mass media”... etc.

5 – Be clear and do not complicate your writing unnecessarily. For example, I could not follow the paragraph starting with “For citizens and residents”.

Try again and post back ;-)

 

[Vincen't Wong]

More comments:
1 – Some words are difficult to find synonyms for. In your case, it is perfectly acceptable to use “measures” in your answer. If you really want to change it, then look for the basic meaning and hopefully you'll find words such as “actions” or “steps”.

2 – You should plan out your response first and then write it. That means you need to have clearly delineated paragraphs, and each one should deal with one idea. Use line breaks to separate your paragraphs.

3 – Using transition expressions is great, but you used “First of all” needlessly in your letter. You could have just started that paragraph with “Last month ...”.

4 – Check your writing again and again yourself. For example, I think you mean “security guards” instead of “security guides” and “local media” instead of “mass media”... etc.

5 – Be clear and do not complicate your writing unnecessarily. For example, I could not follow the paragraph starting with “For citizens and residents”.

Try again and post back ;-)

Thank you for your comments, i have checked my mistakes that i could found out.
The comments were really helpful!:-D

In your housing estate, a gang of criminals has been tricking old people into giving them money. On behalf of the Owners' Association of the estate, write to the Post about an incident that took place recently. Describe how the old person was tricked, what the victim lost, and explain some of the measures your association has taken to protect people from being tricked in future.

Dear editor,
I am writing on behalf of the Owners’ Association of ABC estate to express my concerns on recent criminal incidents. In ABC estate, many old people were tricked by a gang of criminals, and they thus lost money, I would like to describe a serious incident that took place last week and provide some suggestion we have done to stop the tricks happen again in the future.

Last month, an old woman called Sam who was being tricked met a young lady called Mary when she was shopping. They became best friends very soon. Mary claimed that she was a diviner and could help Sam to divine people’ future. Sam was so excited, and she asked for Mary to check her son’s future. Unfortunately, Mary told her that her son would be dead in the nearly future because it was his fate. Sam was crying so hard as she really loved her son. At this moment, Mary said that she could help Sam but she needed money to prepare for an altar which could help her son to avoid the disaster. Therefore, Sam gave her all the saving in her banks immediately. After that, the young lady disappeared, and no one could find her despite the fact that Sam’s son had called the police.

In this case, Sam lost 40000 dollars and much jewelry. However, the case is just one of the all in our estate. In order to prevent other cases which are similar to Sam’s from happening again. We have done some actions to solve the serious problem.

To begin with, we set up a special task force and hired a number of security guards to patrol our estate regularly. For example, the patrolling times were increased from 3 times to 5 times a day. Once they find out someone is tricking, they will call the police and protect the victims at once. We have found out more than 10 suspicious cases and stop it from the happening. Therefore, it could deter many criminals from doing bad thing and reduces the loss of victims. In the long term, the plan could increase criminal cases detection rate and reduce crime rate in our estate.

Besides, we have aroused the awareness of residents through education. We exploited local media to publish and report all the tricks happened in our city such as by TV shows, radio, Internet and newspapers. Therefore, more and more people have gained the sense of awareness of the danger of those criminals and they have learned the experiences from reviewing those unfortunate cases. In the presence of those experiences, People will not be tricked by the same tricking methods.

Also, we have post some posters around the estate to inform all residents for protecting themselves from criminals. It is really helpful to diminish the likelihood of them to be tricked and to scare criminals who have been noticed by public.

On the other hand, we have invited all citizens to report any suspicious people to police immediately to avoid the similar tragedy. We cannot just depend on police and government to do all the things and we should cooperate with them as so to catch those criminals efficiently. Our joint effort is as necessary to reduce crime rate in the estate and alleviate police’s pressure of many cases.

Finally, I hope that Sam’s incident would not happen again. I believe that all above mentioned such as increasing numbers of guards, education and citizens’ cooperation would be useful to help residents out the predicament.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

 

[teechar]

Dear editor,
I am writing on behalf of the Owners’ Association of ABC estate to express my concerns over [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] recent criminal incidents which have been taking place [1] in our estate. Unfortunately,[STRIKE]In ABC estate,[/STRIKE] many old people were tricked by a gang of unscrupulous [2] criminals, [STRIKE]and they thus lost money,[/STRIKE] into giving away their money. I would like to describe [STRIKE]a serious[/STRIKE] one such incident that took place last week and also outline [STRIKE]provide[/STRIKE] some steps [STRIKE]suggestion[/STRIKE] [3] we have [STRIKE]done [/STRIKE] taken to stop [STRIKE]the tricks happen[/STRIKE] such criminal incidents occurring again in the future.

Last month, an old woman called Sam who lives on the estate was conned into parting with a large sum of money [STRIKE]was being tricked met [/STRIKE] by a young lady called Mary whom she had met when she was shopping. [STRIKE]They became best friends very soon.[/STRIKE] Mary claimed that she was a diviner and could help Sam to divine people’s future. Sam was so excited, and she asked [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] Mary to check her son’s future. Unfortunately, Mary told her that her son would be dead in the near[STRIKE]ly[/STRIKE] future because it was his fate. Sam [STRIKE]was crying[/STRIKE] cried so hard as she really loved her son. At [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] that [4] moment, Mary said that she could help Sam but she needed money to prepare for an altar which could help her son [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] avoid the disaster. Therefore, Sam gave her all the savings in [STRIKE]her[/STRIKE] the bank[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] immediately. After that, the young lady disappeared, and no one could find her despite the fact that Sam’s son had called the police.

In [STRIKE]this case[/STRIKE] that incident [4], Sam lost 40000 dollars and much jewelry. However, the case is just one of [STRIKE]the all[/STRIKE] many in our estate. [STRIKE]In order to prevent other cases which are similar to Sam’s from happening again. We have done some actions to solve the serious problem.[/STRIKE] Therefore, in order to prevent similar incidents from happening in our estate again, we have taken a series of actions.

To begin with, we set up a special task force and hired a number of extra security guards to patrol our estate regularly. [STRIKE]For example[/STRIKE]Moreover, [STRIKE]the patrolling times[/STRIKE] patrols were increased from 3 times to 5 times a day. [STRIKE]Once they find out someone is tricking, they will call the police and protect the victims at once.[/STRIKE] Once anyone is found trying to trick any of the residents, the guards will call the police and stop the criminals immediately. We have thus been able to discover and foil [STRIKE]found out[/STRIKE] more than 10 such suspicious cases [STRIKE]and stop it from the happening[/STRIKE]. [STRIKE]Therefore, it could deter many criminals from doing bad thing and reduces the loss of victims.[/STRIKE] In the long term, we hope that this [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] plan will [STRIKE]could increase criminal cases detection rate[/STRIKE] deter potential criminals and reduce the crime rate in our estate.

Besides, we have [STRIKE]aroused the[/STRIKE] increased awareness [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] among residents through various campaigns especially using local newspapers and other media to report all incidents involving criminals trying to trick people and steal their money[STRIKE]education. We exploited local media to publish and report all the tricks happened in our city such as by TV shows, radio, Internet and newspapers[/STRIKE] [5] . [STRIKE]Therefore, more and more people have gained the sense of awareness of the danger of those criminals and they have learned the experiences from reviewing those unfortunate cases.In the presence of those experiences, People will not be tricked by the same tricking methods[/STRIKE]. We believe that this will make it harder for the criminals to carry out their activities, and more likely for them to be caught.

[STRIKE]Also, we[/STRIKE] [6] We have also placed several [STRIKE]post some[/STRIKE] posters around the estate to [STRIKE]inform all residents for protecting[/STRIKE] educate residents about how to protect themselves from criminals. [STRIKE]It is really helpful[/STRIKE] The purpose of those posters is twofold: to diminish the likelihood of [STRIKE]them to be[/STRIKE] residents being tricked and at the same time to scare criminals who [STRIKE]have been noticed by public[/STRIKE] may be lurking around.

[STRIKE]On the other hand[/STRIKE] [7] In the meantime, we have invited all citizens to report any suspicious people to the police immediately to avoid [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE]any similar tragedy. We cannot [STRIKE]just[/STRIKE] solely depend on the police and government to do [STRIKE]all the things[/STRIKE] everything of course, and we should cooperate with them [STRIKE]as so[/STRIKE] so as to catch those criminals [STRIKE]efficiently[/STRIKE] and make our estate safer. Our joint effort is [STRIKE]as [/STRIKE]necessary to reduce the crime rate in the estate and protect the residents[STRIKE]alleviate police’s pressure of many cases[/STRIKE].

Finally, I hope that Sam’s incident would not happen again. I believe that all the above-mentioned measures [STRIKE]such as[/STRIKE] viz., increasing the number[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] of guards, education and raising awareness and citizens’ cooperation would be [STRIKE]useful to help residents out the predicament[/STRIKE] effective in dealing with this very serious issue.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

Note:
1- You need a perfect tense here to indicate the problem is ongoing.
2- Using appropriate adjectives is a great way to improve the quality of your writing.
3- "Suggestions" are ideas which have not happened yet!
4- Learn the difference between "this" and "that".
5- This is not well thought out!
6- This is more formal.
7- "On the other hand" means you want to say something opposite to or different from what you've been saying so far. ;-)

 

[Vincen't Wong]

Dear editor,
I am writing on behalf of the Owners’ Association of ABC estate to express my concerns over [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] recent criminal incidents which have been taking place [1] in our estate. Unfortunately,[STRIKE]In ABC estate,[/STRIKE] many old people were tricked by a gang of unscrupulous [2] criminals, [STRIKE]and they thus lost money,[/STRIKE] into giving away their money. I would like to describe [STRIKE]a serious[/STRIKE] one such incident that took place last week and also outline [STRIKE]provide[/STRIKE] some steps [STRIKE]suggestion[/STRIKE] [3] we have [STRIKE]done [/STRIKE] taken to stop [STRIKE]the tricks happen[/STRIKE] such criminal incidents occurring again in the future.

Last month, an old woman called Sam who lives on the estate was conned into parting with a large sum of money [STRIKE]was being tricked met [/STRIKE] by a young lady called Mary whom she had met when she was shopping. [STRIKE]They became best friends very soon.[/STRIKE] Mary claimed that she was a diviner and could help Sam to divine people’s future. Sam was so excited, and she asked [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] Mary to check her son’s future. Unfortunately, Mary told her that her son would be dead in the near[STRIKE]ly[/STRIKE] future because it was his fate. Sam [STRIKE]was crying[/STRIKE] cried so hard as she really loved her son. At [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] that [4] moment, Mary said that she could help Sam but she needed money to prepare for an altar which could help her son [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] avoid the disaster. Therefore, Sam gave her all the savings in [STRIKE]her[/STRIKE] the bank[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] immediately. After that, the young lady disappeared, and no one could find her despite the fact that Sam’s son had called the police.

In [STRIKE]this case[/STRIKE] that incident [4], Sam lost 40000 dollars and much jewelry. However, the case is just one of [STRIKE]the all[/STRIKE] many in our estate. [STRIKE]In order to prevent other cases which are similar to Sam’s from happening again. We have done some actions to solve the serious problem.[/STRIKE] Therefore, in order to prevent similar incidents from happening in our estate again, we have taken a series of actions.

To begin with, we set up a special task force and hired a number of extra security guards to patrol our estate regularly. [STRIKE]For example[/STRIKE]Moreover, [STRIKE]the patrolling times[/STRIKE] patrols were increased from 3 times to 5 times a day. [STRIKE]Once they find out someone is tricking, they will call the police and protect the victims at once.[/STRIKE] Once anyone is found trying to trick any of the residents, the guards will call the police and stop the criminals immediately. We have thus been able to discover and foil [STRIKE]found out[/STRIKE] more than 10 such suspicious cases [STRIKE]and stop it from the happening[/STRIKE]. [STRIKE]Therefore, it could deter many criminals from doing bad thing and reduces the loss of victims.[/STRIKE] In the long term, we hope that this [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] plan will [STRIKE]could increase criminal cases detection rate[/STRIKE] deter potential criminals and reduce the crime rate in our estate.

Besides, we have [STRIKE]aroused the[/STRIKE] increased awareness [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] among residents through various campaigns especially using local newspapers and other media to report all incidents involving criminals trying to trick people and steal their money[STRIKE]education. We exploited local media to publish and report all the tricks happened in our city such as by TV shows, radio, Internet and newspapers[/STRIKE] [5] . [STRIKE]Therefore, more and more people have gained the sense of awareness of the danger of those criminals and they have learned the experiences from reviewing those unfortunate cases.In the presence of those experiences, People will not be tricked by the same tricking methods[/STRIKE]. We believe that this will make it harder for the criminals to carry out their activities, and more likely for them to be caught.

[STRIKE]Also, we[/STRIKE] [6] We have also placed several [STRIKE]post some[/STRIKE] posters around the estate to [STRIKE]inform all residents for protecting[/STRIKE] educate residents about how to protect themselves from criminals. [STRIKE]It is really helpful[/STRIKE] The purpose of those posters is twofold: to diminish the likelihood of [STRIKE]them to be[/STRIKE] residents being tricked and at the same time to scare criminals who [STRIKE]have been noticed by public[/STRIKE] may be lurking around.

[STRIKE]On the other hand[/STRIKE] [7] In the meantime, we have invited all citizens to report any suspicious people to the police immediately to avoid [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE]any similar tragedy. We cannot [STRIKE]just[/STRIKE] solely depend on the police and government to do [STRIKE]all the things[/STRIKE] everything of course, and we should cooperate with them [STRIKE]as so[/STRIKE] so as to catch those criminals [STRIKE]efficiently[/STRIKE] and make our estate safer. Our joint effort is [STRIKE]as [/STRIKE]necessary to reduce the crime rate in the estate and protect the residents[STRIKE]alleviate police’s pressure of many cases[/STRIKE].

Finally, I hope that Sam’s incident would not happen again. I believe that all the above-mentioned measures [STRIKE]such as[/STRIKE] viz., increasing the number[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] of guards, education and raising awareness and citizens’ cooperation would be [STRIKE]useful to help residents out the predicament[/STRIKE] effective in dealing with this very serious issue.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

Note:
1- You need a perfect tense here to indicate the problem is ongoing.
2- Using appropriate adjectives is a great way to improve the quality of your writing.
3- "Suggestions" are ideas which have not happened yet!
4- Learn the difference between "this" and "that".
5- This is not well thought out!
6- This is more formal.
7- "On the other hand" means you want to say something opposite to or different from what you've been saying so far. ;-)

Thank you again and again!
Could i ask you a grammaical problem in my writing?
1.which could help her son to avoid the disaster.
Is it not allowed to put "to" in front of "avoid"?

I have learned a lots from your notes! But i have a little bit confused about the point 5:This is not well thought out
your correction is great but would you tell me what my problem of point 5 is and what can i do to improve it?
thank you teacher!!

 

[teechar]

Thank you again and again!
Could i ask you a grammaical problem in my writing?
1.which could help her son to avoid the disaster.
Is it not allowed to put "to" in front of "avoid"?

I have learned a lots from your notes! But i have a little bit confused about the point 5:This is not well thought out
your correction is great but would you tell me what my problem of point 5 is and what can i do to improve it?
thank you teacher!!

With "help" you can use either the bare infinitive (without "to") or the full one (with "to").

Note 5: "Local media" wouldn't typically involve TV shows; also that paragraph was a bit bloated with repeated information.

Finally, I would suggest that you pay attention to collocation in English. I know this is not easy, but it is important in order to improve your English language skills.
For example, you asked "Could i ask you a grammaical problem in my writing?"
In English, "ask" and "problem" do not collocate.

Try this website which can check "verb+noun" collocations:
http://miscollocation-richtrf.rhcloud.com/
;-)

 

[Vincen't Wong]

With "help" you can use either the bare infinitive (without "to") or the full one (with "to").

Note 5: "Local media" wouldn't typically involve TV shows; also that paragraph was a bit bloated with repeated information.

Finally, I would suggest that you pay attention to collocation in English. I know this is not easy, but it is important in order to improve your English language skills.
For example, you asked "Could i ask you a grammaical problem in my writing?"
In English, "ask" and "problem" do not collocate.

Try this website which can check "verb+noun" collocations:
http://miscollocation-richtrf.rhcloud.com/
;-)

oh, the website is really useful!
the answer is : ask a question / have a problem