[Essay] please, review my Self Introduction

[AbdelRahman Yousef]

In the beginning, I would like to express my appreciation to be given the opportunity to apply for this scholarship. My name is AbdelRahman Youssef Mohamed from Cairo, Egypt. I graduated in June 2007 from Ain-Shams University holding a degree in Agriculture science, Excellent with First Honors with 87/100.
I was born in Saudi Arabia at 02/06/1986 when my father worked an engineer there, and when he finished his work return to our country. In Egypt, I love my environment and love my family farms. My family taught me how to be success in life and increase our farms so I enter faculty of agriculture. In my collage. I love my studies and work hard to get high marks. During these four years, I have been interested in animal care, making poultry feeders and do feed formulation, organic farming and swimming. In senior year, we training in research and commercial poultry farms and I had seen the difference between them and us. Finally, I graduated with 87% with honors degree with first class and work in my department. In my country, we have import most of feed ingredients specially corn, soybean meal and minerals. I want to increases the availability of expensive nutrients so I carried my M.sc under the title “Effect of Enzyme Preparations on Apparent Metabolizable Energy of Broiler Diets”. I applying for this program to help in building up this sector through high quality education in Korea. To work in association with professional groups who offer me the opportunity for harness new skills and make them useful for my country to help me and share my knowledge.
My short-term academic goal is to complete my studies with a PhD degree in animal science and reaching the higher position in my collage to help in building up the animal sector through your high quality education.
My Long-term goal is solving our problems in my country and learning how to process critical information to the best of my ability in order to elevate on highest academic standing, which is going to help me harness new skills and make them useful for my country in the course of community services provided by my home university.
Really, I am dream to study in South Korea for:
1- My best friend has obtained a KGSP scholarship last year and he was very happy and comfort.
2- My dream is to study South Korea language and culture.
3- South Korea ranked as 4[SUP]th[/SUP] in Asia and it is higher than Japan and China and have low tuition and living cost.
4- Strong Academic Atmosphere.
5- Korean people are friendly and helpful
6- Finally, I has admired with Korean cultural heritage and traditions.

 

[Tarheel]

1. When you repost that put in the paragraph breaks you should have put in the first time.
2. Don't tell the reader they are at the beginning of the letter. (Isn't that obvious?)
3. It's probably irrelevant to the reader of the letter that you best friend is already doing what you want to do.
4. Say: "My dream is to study in South Korea and learn about its language and culture.
5. South Korea is ranked #4 in Asia at what?

Do you want somebody to find the errors?
:roll: