[Essay] TOEFL ESSAY- Can you grade it please?

[vbalci]

Hello, can you edit and grade my Toefl practice essay? Thank you!
People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? Discuss one or more.

Unfortunately, our world is ruled by capitalism that means money is the most important thing in our lives because the system wants us to earn money and spend it since anything is free, even the water. In other words, people need money to live and they work to earn it. However, there are some other reasons that people work such as If they like their job, they work for relish.

As the human nature, every human’s characters are different. Some of us fight to achieve their goals and some of us are too lazy to even stand up. When the ones who try to reach their goals succeed, they would be happy about it and feel satisfied. It is the same in business life because people make a great effort to achieve their position in their career. To reach the goal of the dream job makes people satisfied and distressed because doing the job you want is like doing a hobby, since you are doing it willingly, and it brings self-fulfillment.

So, money is really important for us to continue to live our lives in comfort and we should work to earn it but there are more reasons that are different from earning money. In my opinion, one the most remarkable reasons to work is to make your wish about career come true, and feel satisfaction.

 

[teechar]

1- The first sentence in your essay should introduce the topic. In your case, the topic is: reasons why people work.

2- Qualify your language. Instead of saying "money is the most important thing in our lives", you could say: "earning money is a very important aspect people's lives".

3- You need more than one body paragraph in an essay.

Have a look here:
https://www.usingenglish.com/resources/essays/


Try again and we'll look at your work. ;-)

 

[asyhj]

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better?
I live in a big house with my parents and siblings. My family is nice, living with my family members is interesting and happy, and so I like my present status. Our parents need somebody to take care of them, and I think we are the people, who must do it. Besides, I have people to communicate with, to have a meal, to spend interesting holidays and so on. However, living alone is boring and uninteresting; also, there are some daily problems and inconveniences.
Many people think that living alone is more preferable than living with parents and it is joyful, you can do anything you want, and live independent from others. Maybe they are right, but in my opinion, it is not nice, because our parents need some help and care. I think we must support and take care of them. Some parents feel unhappiness when their children leave them, in order to live separate. They gave us nurture, took care of us, they learnt us to speak, walk and so on, I am actually sure, that it’s right time to help them and return our thanks by deeds.
Living with parents and siblings is very interesting. In spite of some daily problems and conflicts with them, it is much happier and more pleasant living with them, then living alone. By living with them, I have people to deal with my day, to share my failures and successes, to have meal, to watch a football game and many other things like these. I think it is important for everyone in the world. In my opinion, the problems do not worth to avoid from family.
I plan to live with my future family I mean my spouse and children, separated from my parents and siblings. Because I am sure, that living alone is very boring, uninteresting and full of problems. Sometimes we need somebody to help us in some questions, such us cooking cake, or repair some machines. Doing it alone is very hard. Therefore, I plan to live with my parents or with my spouse.
Many people wish to live alone, they think that it is nice, and there are no conflicts with family members nor noise and efforts, so they are independent from others. However, they cannot imagine how it is boring and uninteresting living alone, far from parents and siblings. They cannot imagine their need of family members’ help, and the family members’ need of their care and attention.