As a basic point, I would say that it would read better if you sharpened the focus of your opinion. You come to the conclusion that you don't really know, but you do actually give an opinion- you support a partial ban, not a total one, and making this clear would answer the question better. If you did this, then the first and last paragraphs would work better. Also, you end the first paragraph with a direct question, which I would avoid in written texts- I can't answer it, so an indirect question would be better IMO.
Now, look at the third paragraph and look at the start of the sentence- I do believe (three times), in fact, most of the sentences begin with I. Given that people are looking for coherence and a structured argument and development, this kind of repeated statement is not going to win much praise from examiners. You should aim to provide more variey and use better connection/contrast (furthermore, etc, would work for these statement here). The repetition might well work in a speech, but this isn't a speech, to try to show some more variation
BTW As this is TOEFL, an American test, you might want to change the word 'fag', which has a different meaning in the States, though as a BrE speaker, I liked it.
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