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Thread: WRITING

  1. #1
    Anonymous Guest

    Default WRITING

    DEAR SIR,
    I wrote two articles ,can you give me some advices and help me revise?
    Thank you very much!
    YOURS SUNNY



    [1]If you focus on modern education, you can find that high technology especially the computers are relied upon for teaching students. In this way, some people hold that we need not to walk in a tough way to set offices for teacher. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the fact that teacher are supposed to play an important role in education system.

    In the first place, teacher who is full of experiences can tell students how to go from A to B directly, reducing some unnecessary troubles. For example, children who are doing a troublesome subject would like to be oriented when their way is hold by a stone, teachers are the best choice. Under the help of teachers, we can better understand the essence of the problems and improve the efficiency.

    In the second place, a teacher seems to be a personality human being compare with a computer which always run in a non-changing way. Let us have a close look at it, students are willing to have the lessons which interesting like wordless sound poems but not the dull and freezing computer system. In this case, we can enjoy the process of study instead of studying for study.

    Finally, it is time for teacher to make the best use of high technology such as computer and Internet, which are highly expected to boost our abilities.

    From what has been mentioned above, we can see explicitly that teacherless system is not available to modern education style. Therefore, what is expectation we have is to have better cooperation between teacher and computer.

    [2]There is clear-cut evidence that, for a period of at least 70years,the development of the car has far-reaching effects on modern transportation system, which is necessary ingredient, relied upon for infrastructure construction. However, the utilizing of car triggers more serious problems by far the worst we had ever experienced. I am strongly in support of this circumstance, and now I give two reasons to demonstrate my view.

    In the first place, the car has seriously polluted all the things around our human beings. Let us have a close look at it, the gas released from the car most likely contaminate the air, which has been clean and fresh. Let us have another look at it, the car usually carries noise pollution. When it happens, some people complain of the air being ‘heavy’ and of feeling irritate, moody and on edge. Cleary, the car doesn’t live in harmony with the nature.

    In the second place, the increasing of the car boosts the needs of fuel such as oil. However, it is clear that there is a very poor match between oil supply and demand. Limited resources and ecological constraints can’t support the car, which appears to an increasing trend for a long-standing. Consequently, there would be a day that we exhausted all the fuel in the world. How can we survive with no resources? Needless to say, it is highly time that we did consider more about the car when drawing on it.

    All in all, I am firmly assured that the car troubles us to some sense and I also has an expectation that these problems will be settled by the developing technology.

  2. #2
    SunnyLiu Guest

    Default WRITING

    [1]If you focus on modern education, you can find that high technology especially the computers are relied upon for teaching students. In this way, some people hold that we need not to walk in a tough way to set offices for teacher. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the fact that teacher are supposed to play an important role in education system.

    In the first place, teacher who is full of experiences can tell students how to go from A to B directly, reducing some unnecessary troubles. For example, children who are doing a troublesome subject would like to be oriented when their way is hold by a stone, teachers are the best choice. Under the help of teachers, we can better understand the essence of the problems and improve the efficiency.

    In the second place, a teacher seems to be a personality human being compare with a computer which always run in a non-changing way. Let us have a close look at it, students are willing to have the lessons which interesting like wordless sound poems but not the dull and freezing computer system. In this case, we can enjoy the process of study instead of studying for study.

    Finally, it is time for teacher to make the best use of high technology such as computer and Internet, which are highly expected to boost our abilities.

    From what has been mentioned above, we can see explicitly that teacherless system is not available to modern education style. Therefore, what is expectation we have is to have better cooperation between teacher and computer.

    [2]There is clear-cut evidence that, for a period of at least 70years,the development of the car has far-reaching effects on modern transportation system, which is necessary ingredient, relied upon for infrastructure construction. However, the utilizing of car triggers more serious problems by far the worst we had ever experienced. I am strongly in support of this circumstance, and now I give two reasons to demonstrate my view.

    In the first place, the car has seriously polluted all the things around our human beings. Let us have a close look at it, the gas released from the car most likely contaminate the air, which has been clean and fresh. Let us have another look at it, the car usually carries noise pollution. When it happens, some people complain of the air being ‘heavy’ and of feeling irritate, moody and on edge. Cleary, the car doesn’t live in harmony with the nature.

    In the second place, the increasing of the car boosts the needs of fuel such as oil. However, it is clear that there is a very poor match between oil supply and demand. Limited resources and ecological constraints can’t support the car, which appears to an increasing trend for a long-standing. Consequently, there would be a day that we exhausted all the fuel in the world. How can we survive with no resources? Needless to say, it is highly time that we did consider more about the car when drawing on it.

    All in all, I am firmly assured that the car troubles us to some sense and I also has an expectation that these problems will be settled by the developing technology.[/quote]

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: WRITING

    I will comment on the second one here, and I will comment on the first one at the other place.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    There is clear-cut evidence that, for a period of at least 70years,the development of the car has far-reaching effects on modern transportation system, which is necessary ingredient, relied upon for infrastructure construction. However, the utilizing of car triggers more serious problems by far the worst we had ever experienced. I am strongly in support of this circumstance, and now I give two reasons to demonstrate my view.
    Present your evidence; don't just say it exists. Explain what you mean by the development of the car. You haven't explained what your view is. Until you do that you can't give reasons to support your view.

    That paragraph lacks clarity and conciseness. Please rewrite it to achieve both. Use fewer ten-dollar words. Keep it simple. Say what you mean.


    :)

  4. #4
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    Default Commentary on the first essay

    For commentary on the first essay, go here: http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/vi...725&highlight=

  5. #5
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    Default Re: WRITING

    Quote Originally Posted by SunnyLiu
    In the first place, the car has seriously polluted all the things around our human beings. Let us have a close look at it, the gas released from the car most likely contaminate the air, which has been clean and fresh. Let us have another look at it, the car usually carries noise pollution. When it happens, some people complain of the air being ‘heavy’ and of feeling irritate, moody and on edge. Cleary, the car doesn’t live in harmony with the nature.
    Have automobiles seriously polluted the air? Does automobile exhaust pollute the air? Was the air pure before automobiles came along? (How do you account for clouds then?) You need to edit that to eliminate the unnecessary words. Be sure you know what you want to say and then say it.

    :)

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