[Essay] IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

[huynguyen158]

I've just written an essay about the changes of a hospital during a 1960-2000 period.
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Thediagrams below show the changes that have taken place at Queen Mary Hospitalsince its construction in 1960.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.
Write atleast 150 words.

Here are my essay with remarks from my teacher.:-?
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The maps illustrate how the Queen Mary hospital develops from 1960 to 2000.

Overall, the scale of the hospital was expanded to meet demands of patients, providing more medical services while cutting out the areas for shopping and farming.

From 1960 to 1980, the shopping center located on the left of the hospital that faces onto the main road was converted into a cancer center and a pharmacy (-> The subordinate Clause is lengthy and hard to understand). Behind the site where the shopping center used to be (-> the same mistake), the farmland was replaced by a nursing school in 1980. In 2000, for the needs of cancer researching and treatment, they expanded the cancer center’s area to 3 times, cover over the entire area (->using "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school" instead )that was used for building the nursing school in 1980.

The car park behind the hospital still remained its size during the 1960-1980 period. In 2000, a half of the car park’s area was turned into a (-> was used for the)nursing school.

Could anyone please check and give me some advice about my essay and my teacher's remarks? I don't totally know how to improve this essay. Thank you very much!

 

[tedmc]

The three diagrams show how the hospital grew from 1960 to 2000, to cater for the increase in demand for medical facilities, especially the cancer centre. The change in requirements and priorities over the years resulted in changes and expansions of the buildings and change of land use.
In 1960, the hospital building occupied only a quarter of the land with the remaining areas equally divided between a shopping centre next to it and a carpark and farmland at the back.
By 1980, the shopping centre was converted into a cancer centre and a pharmacy while a nursing school was built over the farmland. By 2000, the cancer centre expanded three-fold, fully occupying the nursing school building which was relocated to occupy part of the carpark.

I think there is no need to describe the location of the spaces(which your subordinate clauses were about) which are clear from the diagram. It is more important to describe the changes that took place and make comparisons.
I do not like the description, "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school instead"

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

The diagrams illustrate how Queen Mary Hospital developed from 1980 to 2000.

By "car park" do you mean "parking lot"?

 

[teechar]

Here [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] is my essay with remarks from my teacher.:-?
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The maps illustrate how the Queen Mary hospital [STRIKE]develops[/STRIKE] developed from 1960 to 2000.

Overall, the [STRIKE]scale of[/STRIKE] area occupied by the hospital [STRIKE]was[/STRIKE] expanded to meet the increased demand for medical facilities, and a new pharmacy, nursing school and cancer center were added during that period. [STRIKE]s of patients,providing more medical services while cutting out the areas for shopping and farming.[/STRIKE]

From 1960 to 1980, the shopping center, located [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] to the left of the hospital and facing [STRIKE]that faces[/STRIKE] onto the main road, was converted into a cancer center and a pharmacy.

The farmland, which was behind the shopping center, was replaced by a nursing school in 1980. In 2000, [STRIKE]for the needs of cancer researching and treatment,[/STRIKE] they expanded the cancer center’s area to 3 times the original size. [STRIKE]cover over the entire area (->using "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school" instead )[/STRIKE] They did that by adding to it the building that was used for [STRIKE]building[/STRIKE] the nursing school. [STRIKE]in 1980.[/STRIKE]

At the same time, they used half the car park area for the new building of the nursing school.

[STRIKE] The car park behind the hospital still remained its size during the 1960-1980 period. In 2000, a half of the car park’s area was turned into a (-> was used for the)nursing school.
[/STRIKE]

use [STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE] "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school" instead

I wouldn't use "acreage" in that context.

 

[tedmc]

Tarheel
I know the terms are different in AmE but the place where cars are parked is called a car park where I come from(we follow BrE). A parking lot is the space for one car to park, though you might call it a "parking bay".

teechar
I would not call those "maps". A map shows places on a macro-scale, not individual spaces within a building. The drawings shown are simplified plans used for illustrations, so I call them diagrams(or schematics, in architectural terms).
I think, instead of saying "they did this" and "they did that"(which begs the question, "who is they?"), it is better to say "this was done" and "that was done".

 

[huynguyen158]

The three diagrams show how the hospital grew from 1960 to 2000, to cater for the increase in demand for medical facilities, especially the cancer centre. The change in requirements and priorities over the years resulted in changes and expansions of the buildings and change of land use.
In 1960, the hospital building occupied only a quarter of the land with the remaining areas equally divided between a shopping centre next to it and a carpark and farmland at the back.
By 1980, the shopping centre was converted into a cancer centre and a pharmacy while a nursing school was built over the farmland. By 2000, the cancer centre expanded three-fold, fully occupying the nursing school building which was relocated to occupy part of the carpark.

I think there is no need to describe the location of the spaces(which your subordinate clauses were about) which are clear from the diagram. It is more important to describe the changes that took place and make comparisons.
I do not like the description, "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school instead"

Thank you, tedmc Your advice was very useful for me!

 

[huynguyen158]

Say:

The diagrams illustrate how Queen Mary Hospital developed from 1980 to 2000.

By "car park" do you mean "parking lot"?

Yes, that's what I meant.

 

[huynguyen158]

I wouldn't use "acreage" in that context.

Thanks for your advice, teechar.

 

[teechar]

teechar
I would not call those "maps". A map shows places on a macro-scale, not individual spaces within a building. The drawings shown are simplified plans used for illustrations, so I call them diagrams(or schematics, in architectural terms).

Well spotted, tedmc. I missed that one. :up:

 

[emsr2d2]

Yes, that's what I meant.

Thanks for your advice, teechar.

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