Although this is a quite attractive piece, it is (maybe that was your goal) more like an excerpt from a short story rather than an essay. Of course the nature of the topic is so that it doesn't allow much room for manoeuvring, but still...It does ask you to include a thesis statement, which you haven't. Perhaps with this detail, the exercise wants you to avoid doing what you actually did, that is writing a short fiction story rather than an essay!
In the end, it's a matter of what the exercise asks...If you think a short story like this is allowed, then you've done a great job. If not, then you're entirely out of topic...
- For Teachers