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  1. #1
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    Question Please check & give feedback.

    This is for an Eng Comp class.

    Write a 200 word descriptive essay. Think of the most interesting place you have ever seen and describe it. Include a thesis statement in the first paragraph.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The drive up had seemed endless. My shoulders ached from hunching behind the wheel for hours on end. I probably should have stopped and taken a break at some point, but the need to be here had been too strong.
    Grabbing the travel worn duffle off the front seat, I slid out of the vintage Dodge Dart and sighed softly. Knowing that I was a coward for not going inside the dark, empty structure immediately, I shrugged off a sense of dťjŗ vu and set my bag on the porch. My feet guided me off to the side, onto the path that led down to the lake. Once it had been a lane of trees forming a lush canopy that offered a quick, cool respite from the summer heat. As I shuffle along I pass the now silent sentinels, with their bare branches struggling to keep out the afternoon sun.
    The path curves slightly then opens up into a grassy area where the dock and the boathouse were. A family of ducks is paddling around the remains of the pier. The canoe is still there; beached upside-down so rain wouldnít collect in the hull. Although now itís a dull gray instead of the bright silver that had reflected brightly off the surface of the lake. The open ground between the skeleton of boathouse and the lakefront was scorched bare. The soft sand blackened. A wildfire had swept through the area burning nearly everything as it cut a wide path through the area. The dry crackling under my feet made my heart ache for what had been lost. After a few moments, I turned back up the path, toward what had once been a beautiful retreat.
    Black smoke coated the sad windows. This was going to take a lot of work. As I slowly made my way up the steps and onto the porch I noticed that near the bottom step a small dandy-lion head was peeking up through the ground. A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. Hope springs eternal. Stopping to pick up the duffle bag Iíd set on the porch, I took a deep breath, opened the door and stepped inside.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Please check & give feedback.

    Although this is a quite attractive piece, it is (maybe that was your goal) more like an excerpt from a short story rather than an essay. Of course the nature of the topic is so that it doesn't allow much room for manoeuvring, but still...It does ask you to include a thesis statement, which you haven't. Perhaps with this detail, the exercise wants you to avoid doing what you actually did, that is writing a short fiction story rather than an essay!

    In the end, it's a matter of what the exercise asks...If you think a short story like this is allowed, then you've done a great job. If not, then you're entirely out of topic...

  3. #3
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Please check & give feedback.

    Can you see what's wrong here?
    travel worn
    dandy-lion (I'm a British English speaker and this is certainly wrong to me)

    I probably should have stopped and taken a break at some point, but the need to be here had been too strong- Is this the thesis statement? I am not that sure of the need for a thesis statement in a descriptive piece of writing, but does this really encapsulate the purpose for writing? I think it might need a bit more.


    sad windows- nice phrase

    I thought this was a good piece of writing, though, as Mariner says, it is more narrative than descriptive. You jump into the present tense at the end of the first paragraph- how about delaying it till the second?

  4. #4
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    Smile Re: Please check & give feedback.

    thanks for the feedback!

    i write for a round-robin role playing group on a regular basis.. so it's hard for me to completely leave that narative style.

    i turned in my paper (with some corrections from your suggestions).. i'll let you know how it turns out.

    thanks again!

  5. #5
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    Talking Re: Please check & give feedback.

    FYI

    I got 92/100 on this! Thanks for the input.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Please check & give feedback.

    :-d

  7. #7
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Please check & give feedback.

    You're doing well.

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