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  1. #1
    jzink Guest

    Default Essay for Scholarship - Corrections / Suggestions

    Hello,
    I am helping a friend who is writing an essay for a scholarship. Her first language is Chinese, and she asked me to edit her essay for grammar and content. I have gone over it myself, and made some changes to the grammar, but I am far from an expert. If you have a moment, please read her essay, and make any corrections or suggestions that you may have. Also, the essay is currently 555 words and needs to be 500 words or less. Any help you can offer is greatly appreciated.

    Thanks,
    Jessica Zink
    __________________________________

    I was born in a middle class family in China. My father was a respected associate professor at a technical college and my mother was a famous blood specialist. Since I was a child, I have been taught that hard work and strong ethics are important building blocks, both as a student and as a professional. To be a scientist has always been one of my dreams. However, in China, only ten percent of the high school graduates can go to the college of science, and I had no choice but to choose Mechanical Engineering as my major.

    I came to Kenosha from China in February, 2002 and found that Parkside could make my dream come true. In preparation I took the Microsoft Certified System Engineer classes offered at New Horizons Computer Learning Center, and passed all the required tests. Despite the language barrier, I chose Mathematics and Computer Science as my double major because I believe these are the two major power tools behind advanced technologies. My educational goal is to earn a Doctorate in Mathematics or Computer Science and become a university professor.

    In high school I earned the role of class monitor, and participated in competitive Ping-Pong. At nineteen years old, I wrote a play that was broadcast by radio in my home town, Suzhou, China. During my first year of studying at Parkside, I have had the opportunity to learn not only from my coursework, but also from my classmates and professors. As the top student of my Calculus class, I spent many hours in the library assisting my classmates in learning the course material and preparing for exams. I have excelled in each of my classes, maintaining a 4.0 grade point average while exceeding the required number of credits for full-time status.

    In China community activities are not valued or encouraged as they are in the United States. Achieving excellent grades in school is the only goal for young people, and outside activities are seen as a distraction. I did not experience the fulfillment that comes with giving back to the community until the summer of 2001. Upon meeting former senator, Kimberly Plache, I was asked if I would be interested in volunteering to teach a group of adopted Asian children the Chinese language and culture. I accepted the challenge with excitement, and have met with these children every Saturday since. It is a time that I look forward to with pleasure, and it is rewarding to know that I have helped these children find pride in their differences.

    I truly enjoy the atmosphere of learning and education found at Parkside, however the rapid increase of tuition and books causes concern. In order to give my studies my complete attention, I have made the decision not to take on a career. This scholarship is necessary in order for me to continue devoting my time solely to my coursework.

    I feel that I have set an example for my fellow classmates in educational ethics and diligence in study. I use my strengths to help my classmates by organizing study groups and assisting students in achieving course objectives. I feel that my propensity towards helping others learn is a demonstration of my ability to become a university professor. Given the resources, I know that I will achieve my educational and professional goals.

  2. #2
    jzink Guest

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    Sorry about the double post, the computer kept arguing with me

    Jessica

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Essay for Scholarship - Corrections / Suggestions

    Quote Originally Posted by jzink
    I was born in a middle class family in China. My father was a respected associate professor at a technical college and my mother was a famous blood specialist. Since I was a child, I have been taught that hard work and strong ethics are important building blocks, both as a student and as a professional. To be a scientist has always been one of my dreams. However, in China, only ten percent of the high school graduates can go to the college of science, and I had no choice but to choose Mechanical Engineering as my major.
    I can find no fault with the writing in that paragraph, but to reduce the word count you can hyphenate middle class and delete respected from respected associate professor.

    Quote Originally Posted by jzink
    I came to Kenosha from China in February, 2002 and found that Parkside could make my dream come true. In preparation I took the Microsoft Certified System Engineer classes offered at New Horizons Computer Learning Center, and passed all the required tests. Despite the language barrier, I chose Mathematics and Computer Science as my double major because I believe these are the two major power tools behind advanced technologies. My educational goal is to earn a Doctorate in Mathematics or Computer Science and become a university professor.
    In the second sentence, I would move the comma from its place after Center and put it after preparation. I would not capitalize either mathematics or computer science.

    Quote Originally Posted by jzink
    In high school I earned the role of class monitor, and participated in competitive Ping-Pong. At nineteen years old, I wrote a play that was broadcast by radio in my home town, Suzhou, China. During my first year of studying at Parkside, I have had the opportunity to learn not only from my coursework, but also from my classmates and professors. As the top student of my Calculus class, I spent many hours in the library assisting my classmates in learning the course material and preparing for exams. I have excelled in each of my classes, maintaining a 4.0 grade point average while exceeding the required number of credits for full-time status.
    In the first sentence, move the comma from its place after monitor and put it after school. Do not capitalize either ping-pong or calculus.

    Quote Originally Posted by jzink
    In China community activities are not valued or encouraged as they are in the United States. Achieving excellent grades in school is the only goal for young people, and outside activities are seen as a distraction. I did not experience the fulfillment that comes with giving back to the community until the summer of 2001. Upon meeting former senator, Kimberly Plache, I was asked if I would be interested in volunteering to teach a group of adopted Asian children the Chinese language and culture. I accepted the challenge with excitement, and have met with these children every Saturday since. It is a time that I look forward to with pleasure, and it is rewarding to know that I have helped these children find pride in their differences.
    For the purpose of reducing word count, you can delete the last sentence.

    Quote Originally Posted by jzink
    I truly enjoy the atmosphere of learning and education found at Parkside, however the rapid increase of tuition and books causes concern. In order to give my studies my complete attention, I have made the decision not to take on a career. This scholarship is necessary in order for me to continue devoting my time solely to my coursework.
    Try:
    • I truly enjoy the atmosphere of learning found at Parkside. However, the rapid increase in costs causes concern. In order to give my studies my complete attention, I have decided not to take a job. This scholarship is necessary in order for me to continue devoting my time solely to my coursework.



    Quote Originally Posted by jzink
    I feel that I have set an example for my fellow classmates in educational ethics and diligence in study. I use my strengths to help my classmates by organizing study groups and assisting students in achieving course objectives. I feel that my propensity towards helping others learn is a demonstration of my ability to become a university professor. Given the resources, I know that I will achieve my educational and professional goals.
    That looks good. You can, I think, delete that last sentence without losing anything.

    What do you think?

    :)

  4. #4
    jzink Guest

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    Thanks a million! I'm on my way out the door, but I have printed your advice and will make the changes this evening. I really appreciate that you took the time to read through this essay, I know that it's very important to my friend. It feels better to know that someone else has reviewed it, I don't quite trust myself to perfect it on my own!

    Jessica

  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    That was a quick response! You are actually doing quite well. It was hard for me to find fault with that essay.

    :wink:

  6. #6
    jzink Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee
    That was a quick response! You are actually doing quite well. It was hard for me to find fault with that essay.

    :wink:
    Thanks! My high school English teacher would be so proud! I have to credit him with most of what I know about grammar and punctuation, he was a real stickler! I can't help but think back to his class whenever I am proofreading or editing. Commas are still tough for me, though!

    Jessica

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