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  1. #1
    inck243 is offline Newbie
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    Question Will anyone please revise my college application essay?

    Hello :)

    I am going to be applying for a college this week, and have been writing an essay to send along with the application.

    I am looking for people's tips, opinions and other things that good college essay should be like on how to make the essay fit along the lines of the question better; how to revise it.



    The toipic of the essay is:

    discuss your academic interest and career goals and describe your view of how bridgewater state college can facilitate your sucess.

    I will post the origional essay, and the revised verson.

    Origional Essay:

    Out of every one of my past career interests and ideas, the one has always stuck is commercial aviation; I have always been interested in it! I can't think of one time where I have not been excited to board an airliner even if it was a 14 hour flight! I want to be a pilot when I graduate college. Not only because I love to fly, but also because I love everything about an aircraft; the appearance, sounds of the engines, even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin like when the turbofans are started, I love it all. The complex systems and instruments that make the flight successful are amazing to me. When watching aviation videos online, I love all the sounds of the flight deck together with the sounds of the engines when a pilot has performed a perfect landing, an emotion of amazement takes over my mind. I love aircraft and I would love to operate one as a job.

    My academic interests mostly involve aviation, but there are other subjects that I am interested in such as web, graphic, and 3D graphic design; however I learned all of these skills by teaching myself. I have made several websites in the past, and currently upkeep one website that offers free custom content for the computer game The Sims 2. By managing my website I can practice all of my computer design skills: 3D, graphic and web. In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, and many other books that I liked. Reading these stories made me look forward to English class. My main academic interest however is aviation. I would be extremely excited to be able to study this subject academically, which makes it my main academic interest. I like to know how complex things work, such as commercial airliners. I want to know how all of the systems and instruments work on an airliner, what they do, and how to control them. I am hungry to learn everything that Bridgewater State College can teach me from the aviation major!
    Bridgewater has an amazing aviation program that I am completely interested in being in. After comparing different schools, I strongly believe that if I graduate with my education from Bridgewater State College, I will have an advantage over most people when entering the work force in the same industry as I am. The aviation training program as a degree is exactly what I need to prepare me for my career life. I am determined that Bridgewater State College can deliver me to my success as best as I manage it to, and can fulfill my goals of becoming successful in the commercial aviation industry.
    (end)

    On other sites, so far people have said that i should:
    "Try to make your reasons for liking flying in the beginning of the essay more technical and less physical (i.e. smell of jet fuel, the way the planes look)" -- i tried to do this in the revision, do you agree with the advice, and think that i changed it well?

    They also said "Underline the book titles, and don't just say that you like them, say why. Don't end sentences in prepositions such as "in"." (the books are already underlined in MS word, they just didnt be underlined when i coppy and paste it)
    I also did this in my revision and i think it is better. what do you think?

    SO, here is the revision:




    Out of every one of my past career interests and ideas, the one has always stuck is commercial aviation; I have always been interested in it! I canít think of one time where I have not been excited to board an airliner even if it was a 14 hour flight! I want to be a pilot when I graduate college because of my love for flying and interest in aircraft. I love every aspect of flying; the pressure sensation on my back as the aircraft barrels down the runway and the jet engine noises during takeoff, and even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin when the turbofans are started are just only a few aspects that make me love flying. I also love everything about an aircraft; the appearance, instruments, controls and systems that all work together to control the flight adds to my extreme interest in aircraft. The complex systems and instruments that make the flight successful are amazing to me. When watching aviation videos online, I love all the sounds of the flight deck together with the sounds of the engines when a pilot has performed a perfect landing, an emotion of amazement takes over my mind. I love aircraft and I would love to operate one as a job.

    My academic interests mostly involve aviation, but there are other subjects that I am interested in such as web, graphic, and 3D graphic design; however I learned all of these skills by teaching myself. I have made several websites in the past, and currently upkeep one website that offers free custom content for the computer game The Sims 2. By managing my website I can practice all of my computer design skills: 3D, graphic and web. In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, because of their affluence in details which were difficult to interpret if I was not reading astutely. Being motivated to do so and answering questions based on the reading correctly is what made them so enjoyable for me, and made English class one of my academic interests. My main academic interest however is aviation. I would be extremely excited to be able to study this subject academically, which makes it my main academic interest. I like to know how complex systems work, ranging from a security system, GPWS (Ground Proximity Warning System) in an aircraft, to a complex telephone system in a large office. I want to know everything about commercial airliners. I want to know how all of the systems and instruments work on an airliner, what they do, and how to control them. I am intrigued to know what every switch and button does on an airliner. I am hungry to learn everything that Bridgewater State College can teach me from the aviation major!
    Bridgewater has an amazing aviation program that I am completely interested in studying. After comparing different schools, I strongly believe that if I graduate with my education from Bridgewater State College, I will have an advantage over most people when entering the work force in the aviation industry. The aviation training program as a degree is exactly what I need to prepare me for my career life. I am determined that Bridgewater State College can deliver me to my success as best as I manage it to, and can fulfill my goals of becoming successful in the commercial aviation industry through their outstanding aviation program.


    So does anyone have any other advice on what i should do?

    Thank you very much i really appreciate everyone who read this long post lol :P

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Will anyone please revise my college application essay?

    There are samples and things here:
    http://www.usingenglish.com/resources/essays/

    Out of every one of my past career interests and ideas, the one has always stuck is commercial aviation; I have always been interested in it!

    This sentence has, IMO, some mistakes in it and I don't like the use of the exclamation mark in an essay at all:

    Of all my previous career interests and ideas, the one that has always stuck is commercial aviation, which has always fascinated me.
    Or something like that. It needs careful proofreading as such an essay should have no mistakes at all.

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