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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    5
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    Please correct my portfolio

    I've tried to edit it, but that's all I can do.
    Please, help me find the errors exactly.

    Thank you in deed.

    2
    Many teenagers in WA are facing teeth problems caused by their (abnormal consumption - this doesn't work. binge drinking and piercings The Australian Dental Association has found binge drinking too much soft drink will create long term damage to their teeth. In addition, the association also found that most of the damage comes from drinking soft drinks regularly.
    The Australian Dental Association has created a campaign that aims to decrease tooth decay, especially the binge drinking which has a serious effect on teenagers in WA. The goal is to decrease teenagers' tooth decay by at least 50%. . The objective of this campaign is to raise an awareness of healthy teeth among teenagers and young people.

    This campaign is clearly targeted on young adults and teenagers who take drugs, young people who normally drink soft drinking, sport drinking, fruit juice and high sugar content drinking. Moreover, it targets at young people who like to have lip rings, lip studs or tongue piercings. The campaign comes up with this message” Getting out of a binge-drink habit or loosing your teeth forever.”
    The strategy of this campaign is to do a survey on high school students and university students in WA area. A survey will be conducted at high schools (private and public schools) and universities to research the actual reason of their consumption and piercings. Then there will be an event that aiming at educating young people about what are the healthy habits and what really cause a serious effect on their teeth. This event will include a famous band to encourage young people to get involved. This event will be held in the city which will be easy to get into the event.
    This campaign will not take time , however the Australian Dental Association will has to keep looking at the long term result. By completing the campaign, the consumption of young people and piercings will decrease. If there are large amount of young people go to the event, they will be more understand and less consuming unhealthy drink. Therefore, the objectives of this campaign will be achieved by completing this event.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    163
    Post Thanks / Like

    Lots of work to do, but your grammar is pretty good!

    "WA" means what?

    "binge drinking" means drinking a large amount in a short period of time. Usually this phrase relates to alchohol so "abnormal consumption of high-sugar drinks" is better to describe a constant, high volume use of sugary drinks.

    How are piercings connected to tooth decay and soda pop? some chemical reaction?

    Watch out for where your periods and punctuation should go.

    The second and third sentences say exactly the same thing, choose one and delete the other, or combine them into one.

    The second paragraph is quite good, but change "binge drinking" as I have mentioned before.

    ::corrections in underline
    "This campaign is clearly targeted at young adults and teenagers who take drugs, young people who normally drink soft drinks, sport drinks, fruit juice and other high sugar content drinks." <-- in this sentence, you use 'young people,' 'young adults,' and 'teenagers;' because all of these terms mean the same thing, you can just say it once and refer your list back to the original term like this:

    This campaign is clearly targeted at young adults who regularly take drugs, drink soft drinks, sport drinks, fruit juice, and other beverages with a high sugar content.

    **how did drugs come into this discussion?!? what is the connection with soft drinks? This is an unqualified statement; I would delete it, or move it to a different part of the essay.

    ::
    Moreover, it targets young people who like to have lip rings, lip studs or tongue piercings {THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO TELL ME WHY MOUTH JEWELLERY IS CONNECTED USING 'because...'}. The campaign delivers this message: ”Stop over-consuming sugar {and drugs? and having mouth piercings?} or you will lose your teeth forever!"


    ... thats all I can say for now, after this is much better than the first part, but still needs a little work. I suggest you go back to point form (write your essay as a list) and check the logical connections between the things your saying, and then slowly build up sentences. Good luck!

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