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  1. #1
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    Default Please correct my new essay

    please let me have your coments in regards with my new essay
    It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reason or derails in your answer.
    With no doubt education is necessary in our life and high school is most important parts of education.
    I have recently been informed that a new high school may be established in our neighborhood.
    First of all some people believed that new high school can bring a lot of beneficiations to our district. They think young students may buy their daily needs from local shops and it promotes their economic situations they also believe their children can go to school on feet and they will save their transports charges.
    Some family thinks their children would reach to home sooner if they had high school in their neighborhood and the students would have more time to do better their home works.
    They would be right but I am opposing to have another high school in our region.
    First of all we have already two big high schools in our area and they have enough capacity for our teenager students educations. I think a new built high school only waste our national investments.
    On the other hand we have huge traffic in our narrow street and a new high school has to admit some students from other parts of town. and they are only able to reach school by car, school bus, or public transportation and it can affect on our street traffics there fore it could bring a lot of the problem for our neighborhood therefore a new high school is not necessary for us.
    Second as young students are emotional and they would like to show their emotions by making so much noises they usually talking to each others aloud
    When they are walking in streets there fore we would lost our calmness on regular school days after establishing new high school.
    I personally believed that a new built high school is not necessary in our region and we would lose our quiet if they built new school in our street. It is unnecessary project and would waste our money, perhaps our town needs a new high school but our area is not suitable place for this project because most of our neighbors are old couples and they need to comfortable life and this project would agitate their life style.
    Ramboo




  2. #2
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    Default Re: Please correct my new essay

    Quote Originally Posted by Ramboo View Post
    please let me have your coments in regards with my new essay


    It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reason or derails in your answer.
    Say:
    Use specific reasons in your answer.




    Quote Originally Posted by Ramboo View Post
    With no doubt education is necessary in our life and high school is most important parts of education.
    There is no doubt that education is necessary in our lives, and high school is an important part of normal education.


    Quote Originally Posted by Ramboo View Post
    I have recently been informed that a new high school may be established in our neighborhood.
    I have recently been informed that a new high school may soon be established in our neighborhood.


    OR:


    I have recently been informed that a new high school may soon be built in our neighborhood.


    Quote Originally Posted by Ramboo View Post
    First of all some people believed that new high school can bring a lot of beneficiations to our district. They think young students may buy their daily needs from local shops and it promotes their economic situations they also believe their children can go to school on feet and they will save their transports charges.
    First of all, some people believe that a new high school can bring a lot of benefits to our district. They think young students will buy their daily needs from local shops near the high school and that will benefit the local economy. They also believe that their children will be able to go to school on foot and that will save on transportaion expenses.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ramboo View Post
    Some family thinks their children would reach to home sooner if they had high school in their neighborhood and the students would have more time to do better their home works.
    Some families think that their children would get home from school earlier if there was a high school in their neighborhood, and the students would have more time to do their homework.
    ~R

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Please correct my new essay

    Hello there,
    Overall, you did a good job, and I have a little observations for you. Whenever you use transition, you have to use comma. For example, I used a transition, which is for example, so I had to put comma after the transition. In your essay, you have used first of all, and by using this transition you have to put comma after it. You did not use comma with the conjunctions, or connecters. The connecters are 'For And Nor But Or Yet So'. To me it easier, People use an abbreviation which is FANBOYS, and it is obvious that F stands for 'For', A stands for 'And', and so on. In this particular kind of essays, it would be better if you use the turnabout introduction. Your thesis statement is quite weak. You have to make it stronger.That's it......
    Feel free to ask ! Keep up the good job , and if there is something you didn't understand just ask me!

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please correct my new essay

    Say:
    I have a few observations for you.

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