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  1. #1
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    Nov 2006
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    Default help please!correct my poem,thanks./A Question to Answer

    Stars are shining in the still of the night,
    The moon’s floating in the dark blue sky, clear and bright, among the shining stars,
    Breeze’s stirring up your silky hair,
    We’re under the moon,
    Everything goes well,
    And how wonderful the past is!
    Why can’t I travel into the past?

    When the moon fell into the earth,
    The dark’s closed in,
    How depressing the air is!
    Shining still the sun is,
    But something unexpected happened,
    What a anguished memory we got!
    Why can’t I change it, the past?

    Now, the sun hangs in the light blue sky,
    The fly-writing looks like my wishes to you,
    I sit by the flashing lake, lost in thought,
    The twigs of willows wave softly in the bottom of the clear water,
    Even, the carps come in groups for greetings.

    Everything goes as it is,
    And I’m so real, as I always am.
    Girl, give me your hand, please?

    We can sing,
    We can ride,
    We can dance in the sky.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    Default Re: help please!correct my poem,thanks./A Question to Answer

    Impossible!
    It nearly be
    to correct a poem;
    a poem is free!

    Cut the words
    that you don't need.
    Make your lines
    more fast and lean.

    Without you here,
    without me there,
    My changing it
    would not be fair.

    Speak it aloud,
    read it around.
    Write it again,
    and again, 'till you're proud.

    ...good luck. For real guidance on a poem you need to talk face to face with a teacher. I like what you have written so far, but you could do with a few rewrites - try to see what words are unecessary - to make it shorter and to give it more impact. Also pay attention to what image is being painted in each stanza; all the lines of one stanza should be strongly connected to eachother.

    If you post a rewrite we will have more to talk about.

    good work!
    Jesse

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
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    Default Re: help please!correct my poem,thanks./A Question to Answer

    Thank you very much and there is a rewriting here:
    A Question to Answer

    Shining the Star,
    Floating the Moon in the dark sky,
    Breeze’s stirring up your silky hair,
    We’re under the Moon,
    Everything goes well,
    And how wonderful the past is!
    Why couldn’t I travel into the past?

    When the Moon fell into the earth,
    The dark is closed in,
    How depressing it is!
    Shining still the Sun,
    But something unexpected happened,
    What an anguished memory we got!
    Why couldn’t I change it, the past?

    Now, the sun hangs in the blue sky,
    The fly-writing is my wishes to you,
    I sit by the lake, lost in thought,
    The twigs wave softly underwater,
    Even, the carps come in groups for greeting.

    Everything goes well,
    And I’m so real, as I always am.
    Girl, give me your hand, please?

    We can sing,
    We can ride,
    We can dance in the sky.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    163
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    Default Re: help please!correct my poem,thanks./A Question to Answer

    You have got the idea! don't stop! I cant go over it now but hopefully soon, or someone else can help you compare the two.

    good work again!

  5. #5
    JACOOL is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Saudi Arabia
      • Current Location:
      • Saudi Arabia
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    371
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    Default Re: help please!correct my poem,thanks./A Question to Answer

    well, I like it, good job. But some comments, do you mind? hope you don't
    what about this phrase'in the still of...' isn't supposed to be 'in the stillness'?
    one more thing, which type is the poem?

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