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  1. #1
    DaAzNJRiCh is offline Newbie
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    Default Will someone please edit my personal statement?

    I need someone to edit this personal statement for the UC application. It is about 23 words over the limit but I just don't think it's very impressive. Can someone please edit this within a couple days since I need to send it in soon. This is the open-ended question where you can write about anything. Thanks.


    As I read the description in my 9th grade biology book, I knew my life had just changed. I was doing my daily reading homework that no one ever does and looked at a chart of birth conditions. Those words seemed to haunt me as I stared at them.
    Growing up, I always knew that there was something peculiar about me. Even as a baby, my parents said I was exceptionally well behaved and quiet. I was always the tall overweight kid that had more trouble communicating with others so much that I was put into the English as a Second Language program. This was strange because both of my parents are very sociable; my father can literally become best friends with taxi drivers before he pays the fare. Every family has their black sheep and I was the one.
    As I read the description for Klinefelterís Syndrome over and over again, I ran the full gamut of emotions. First, I thought that I couldnít possibly have it; then I just hoped that there was a one percent chance that I couldnít have it. When I finally acknowledged it, I did a little research to get more info. After forcing myself to read up on it and seeing the symptoms of Klinefelter Syndrome and its effects, I realized how well it described me. I started to get depressed, not only because my entire life story seemed to be already written but because I thought of myself as flawed and my life seemed to be taken away from me. I had never truly thought about whether or not I wanted a child in the future and that I could decide that later but now that I knew that I could never have kids, I became depressed of being denied that option. I also started to question. I questioned my faith in God, whether I was gay or not, and even whether or not I was a male even though I knew these questions had no truth in them. Klinefelterís seemed to override everything in my life and to some extent still does. I blamed everything in my life on it from my incredibly small hands to my failures with girls to my scrawny muscles and less than proportional body.
    It has been tough trying to transition out of this ďwhy meĒ phase but I eventually realized that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and to get over it. After reading The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck, now my favorite novel, I realized how much better I have it then most. Not only do I have a loving family, but I am fairly normal. Iím not a starving child or blind or even poor. I have all the functions of a normal person, minus the fertility, and I am well off. I donít consider myself to be flawed anymore; I consider myself to be lucky. I donít want special treatment just because I have this birth defect which barely even affects me which is why I havenít told anyone. I almost didnít write this because I donít want preferential treatment but I thought that this would make for an interesting insight into my life. I havenít even told my parents yet; itís not that I donít want them to know but itís merely that I know my parents will feel badly about themselves. I know that they want whatís best for me and they will blame my supposed inadequacies on themselves.
    I live a great live and I am very lucky. I may not be as normal as everyone else but I feel just as lucky. I thank my parents for being there and molding me into the person that I am today.

  2. #2
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    Wink Re: Will someone please edit my personal statement?

    Quote Originally Posted by DaAzNJRiCh View Post
    I need someone to edit this personal statement for the UC application. It is about 23 words over the limit but I just don't think it's very impressive. Can someone please edit this within a couple days since I need to send it in soon. This is the open-ended question where you can write about anything. Thanks.
    As I read the description in my 9th grade biology book, I knew my life had just changed. I was doing my daily reading homework that no one ever does and looked at a chart of birth conditions. Those words seemed to haunt me as I stared at them.
    Growing up, I always knew that there was something peculiar about me. Even as a baby, my parents said I was exceptionally well behaved and quiet. I was always the tall overweight kid that had more trouble communicating with others so much that I was put into the English as a Second Language program. This was strange because both of my parents are very sociable. Every family has their black sheep and I was the one.As I read the description for Klinefelterís Syndrome over and over again, I ran the full gamut of emotions. First, I thought that I couldnít possibly have it; then I just hoped that there was a one percent chance that I couldnít have it. When I finally acknowledged it, I did a little research to get more info. After forcing myself to read up on it and seeing the symptoms of Klinefelter Syndrome and its effects, I realized how well it described me. I started to get depressed, not only because my entire life story seemed to be already written but because I thought of myself as flawed and my life seemed to be taken away from me. I had never truly thought about whether or not I wanted a child in the future and that I could decide that later but now that I knew that I could never have kids. Being denied that option led me to depression. I also started to question. I questioned my faith in God and whether I was gay, even though I knew these questions had no truth in them. Klinefelterís seemed to override everything in my life and to some extent still does. I blamed everything in my life on it from my failures with girls to my scrawny muscles and less than proportional body.
    It has been tough trying to transition out of this ďwhy meĒ phase but I eventually realized that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and to get over it. After reading The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck, now my favorite novel, I realized how much better I have it then most. Not only do I have a loving family, but I am fairly normal. Iím not a starving child or blind or even poor. I have all the functions of a normal person, minus the fertility, and I am well off. I donít consider myself to be flawed anymore; I consider myself to be lucky. I donít want special treatment just because I have this birth defect which barely even affects me which is why I havenít told anyone. I almost didnít write this because I donít want preferential treatment but I thought that this would make for an interesting insight into my life. I havenít even told my parents yet; itís not that I donít want them to know but itís merely that I know my parents will feel badly about themselves. I know that they want whatís best for me and they will blame my supposed inadequacies on themselves.
    I live a great live and I am very lucky. I may not be as normal as everyone else but I feel just as lucky. I thank my parents for being there and molding me into the person that I am today.
    although this is a good piece of writing i think yuo should take my corrections to note. i have taken out 23 words and i believe i've barely changed what you were saying. i also corrected some sentences because of the context and form of which they are written in.i hope you use this new piece

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Will someone please edit my personal statement?

    Space between paragraphs, thus:
    As I read the description in my 9th grade biology book, I knew my life had just changed. I was doing my daily reading homework that no one ever does and looked at a chart of birth conditions. Those words seemed to haunt me as I stared at them.

    Growing up, I always knew that there was something peculiar about me. Even as a baby, my parents said I was exceptionally well behaved and quiet. I was always the tall overweight kid that had more trouble communicating with others so much that I was put into the English as a Second Language program. This was strange because both of my parents are very sociable; my father can literally become best friends with taxi drivers before he pays the fare. Every family has their black sheep and I was the one.
    The writing is, overall, pretty good. There are only a few changes that need to be made.

    ~R

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will someone please edit my personal statement?

    Quote Originally Posted by DaAzNJRiCh View Post
    I started to get depressed, not only because my entire life story seemed to be already written but because I thought of myself as flawed and my life seemed to be taken away from me.
    Prefer:
    I started to get depressed, not only because my entire life story seemed to be already written but because I thought of myself as flawed and my life seemed to have been taken away from me.
    Quote Originally Posted by DaAzNJRiCh View Post
    I had never truly thought about whether or not I wanted a child in the future and that I could decide that later but now that I knew that I could never have kids, I became depressed of being denied that option.
    Prefer:
    I had never truly thought about whether or not I wanted to have children, and I thought I could decide that later, but now that I knew that I could never have kids I became depressed at being denied that option.

    Quote Originally Posted by DaAzNJRiCh View Post
    It has been tough trying to transition out of this ďwhy meĒ phase but I eventually realized that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and to get over it.
    Say:
    It has been tough trying to transition out of this ďwhy meĒ phase, but I eventually realized that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it.
    Quote Originally Posted by DaAzNJRiCh View Post
    I donít want special treatment just because I have this birth defect which barely even affects me which is why I havenít told anyone. I almost didnít write this because I donít want preferential treatment but I thought that this would make for an interesting insight into my life. I havenít even told my parents yet; itís not that I donít want them to know but itís merely that I know my parents will feel badly about themselves. I know that they want whatís best for me and they will blame my supposed inadequacies on themselves.
    Punctuation.

    Say: "feel bad about themselves"

    Quote Originally Posted by DaAzNJRiCh View Post
    I live a great live and I am very lucky. I may not be as normal as everyone else but I feel just as lucky. I thank my parents for being there and molding me into the person that I am today.
    Say:
    I live a great life, and I am very lucky. I may not be as normal as everyone else, but I feel fortunate. I thank my parents for being there and molding me into the person that I am today.
    ~R

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