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Thread: double-check!

  1. #1
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    Default double-check!

    edit
    Last edited by JohnFleabass; 16-Dec-2006 at 11:38.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: double-check!

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post
    The successful mixture of business administration, foreign languages and on-the-job training has had an enormous influence on my past five years. Presentation skills, communication, personality development, cultural understanding got a high rating. I received an extensive general education and an interesting insight in the astonishing world of tourism.




    Try:
    The successful mixture of business administration, foreign languages and on-the-job training has had an enormous influence on my past five years. My presentation skills, communication skills, personality development, and cultural understanding all received high ratings. I received an extensive general education and an interesting insight in the astonishing world of tourism.
    (I would prefer "had an enormous influence on me", but perhaps that is a quibble.)

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post
    I often had to take the initiative in the organisation and management of events, conventions, incentives and seminars. The experience that I got in some of the finest 5 star-hotels in Baden will stand me in good stead.
    …and I decided to improve my knowledge regarding this area with the Master´s programme “Tourism Management and Leisure Industry”




    Try:
    I often have had to take the initiative in the organisation and management of events, conventions, incentives and seminars. The experience that I got in some of the finest 5 star-hotels in Baden will stand me in good stead. In addition to the knowledge I gained through experience, I decided to improve my knowledge in this area with the Master´s programme “Tourism Management and Leisure Industry”.
    "I often had" is past tense; "I often have had" relates more to the present.

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post
    For my final examination I successfully organised an Incentive and I had to deal with all kinds of different challenges that come with the organisation. Beside the practical element of the incentive, teambuilding and sales techniques formed the scientific component.
    That looks okay.

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post
    In the 3th grade of the HLA my class organised an art event called “Herausforderung Kunst”. We had to face all kinds of tasks ranging from budgeting to the care of the artists. It was a pleasure to take part in the arts and culture tourism with all its new scopes of duties.
    Do you need "scopes of" there?

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post
    On account of the extensive knowledge that I will receive with “Tourism and leisure management” I want to represent Austria in the international world of tourism and confirm its standard as one of the most important tourism countries in the world. I am proud to go to a Austrian university and my enthusiasm will support the positive reputation of Austria in the international competition. Austria´s cultural history has a standard that is worthy of remark and that is appreciated all over the world. In the last 5 years “Culture and Congressmanagement” I have learnt how important a city like Vienna is in today´s congress tourism and the numerous participation in trade fairs has give me an idea of what it is like to work in the hustle and bustle of this type of business. I am a sporty guy and the EM 2008 is near at hand. For the organisation of a mega event of that extent it is necessary to display professional competence, remarkable ideas, knowledge of foreign languages and countries to stand out against others.
    I am not sure whether you are saying that you are pround that you have gone to an Austrian university or that you are proud to be going to an Austrian university.

    Austria's cultural history
    in the last five years
    mega-event

    It might be better to say knowledge of foreign languages and cultures.

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post
    I have set myself some goals that I will achieve in the next five years. The university will be completely satisfied with my achievements and I will make a good showing. I am a highly educated student and I am convinced that I will meet the requirements of the IMC.


    Try:
    I have set myself some goals for the next five years. The university will be completely satisfied with my achievements, and I will make a good showing. I am a highly educated student and I am convinced that I will meet the requirements of the IMC.
    (I have moved this one to the "Essay and Writing" folder.)

  3. #3
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    Default Re: double-check!

    You mostly do a pretty good job with punctuation and paragraphs.

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post
    As a highly motivated student I will be able to display a lot of my positive traits. I am reliable, determined, single-minded and I set great store by punctuality. I have a bent for languages and I can put my previous knowledge to good use. I am a adventurous, creative person who can think out of the box and I am not afraid of experimenting. I like facing challenges in joint action but I also place a high value on independence. I have played in a soccer team for years which stresses the importance of good teamwork. I am self-confident and my positive presence adds a special touch to my presentation skills. I am never dejected by mistakes because I put them down to experience and I always make the best of a bad bargain. I am always bringing my work on schedule and reliability and trust are of utmost importance. I am
    Try:
    As a highly motivated student, I will be able to display a lot of my positive traits. I am reliable, determined, single-minded and set great store by punctuality. I have a bent for languages, and I can put my knowledge to good use. I am a adventurous, creative person who can think out of the box, and I am not afraid of experimenting. I like facing challenges in joint action, but I also place a high value on independence. I have played on a soccer team for years and learned the importance of good teamwork. I am self-confident and my positive presence adds a special touch to my presentation skills. I am never dejected by mistakes because I put them down to experience and I always make the best of a bad bargain. I always bring my work in on schedule, and reliability and trust are of great importance to me.
    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post
    What motivates me in “Tourism and Leisure Industry” are the extraordinary challenges which I will have to face during my five year journey to the master. I am looking forward to compare notes with students from different countries and cultures and the great variety of different ideas will have a positive effect on the working conditions. I can hardly wait to study and live together with people sharing the same interests and goals.
    I would say:
    five-year journey toward achieving a Master's degree.
    Say:
    I am looking forward to comparing notes with students from different countries and cultures.
    Re:
    and the great variety of different ideas will have a positive effect on the working conditions.
    That is unclear.


    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post
    Besides my passionate interest in languages, I am a great one for sports and sports event management and planning of sports facilities would be an interesting sphere of work. Art in all kinds of forms has always been an world full of new ideas, ground-breaking thinking, tolerance and creativity. Taking part in the whole process of managing art and doing one´s bit would be such a honourable and exciting job. Art and sports bring people together, but it´s the perfect management that enables it!
    Try:
    Besides my passionate interest in languages, I am a great one for sports and sports event management, and planning of sports facilities would be an interesting sphere of work. Art in all its forms has always been an world full of new ideas, ground-breaking thinking, tolerance and creativity. Taking part in the whole process of managing art would be an honourable and exciting job. Art and sports bring people together, but it's the perfect that makes it happen.
    What do you think?

    ~R

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    Default Re: double-check!

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnFleabass View Post

    In the 3th grade of the HLA
    3rd grade!!
    Last edited by RonBee; 12-Dec-2006 at 00:45. Reason: fix quote

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    Question Re: double-check!

    What is HLA?

    ~R

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