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  1. #1
    ruzso is offline Newbie
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    Default Can you edit my paragraphs please?

    Hi This is Kournikava, i did my best to write these paragraphs but still need a editing please help me

    Sincerely,

    Today there are many branches or institutions who can answer the question of “how to balance life?” Although the two experts in this field can give a better answer to this question than every other person: spiritual leaders and scientist. According psychiatrist, one should focus on the four pillars of vitality which are True Rest, True Play, True Study and True Work (Itstime.com). When these four areas balanced, it allows persons to achieve her Life Task. For example True Rest could be sleeping in the arms of someone who cares about you. True Play may be creative thinking where in True Study learning about evolution and finally True Work can be enough to parenting children. However in religion or spiritual perspective it’s little bit different. Meaning balancing life can achievable through god as the focal point (spiritualityhealth.com). Instead of doing the various activities in four pillars, spirituality suggests to live in rule of life. Living a rule of life helps one to strive for balance and to be careful what he/she’s doing. Hence individual can control the balance of hers by accepting god’s rules.

    Person can suffer if she spends most of her time in one of the four pillars rather than balancing time equally. This suffering could be mild, like stress but could turn out to be really severe too, like committing a suicide. According to scientists, “stress can be defined as the harmful physical and emotional responses that occur when the requirements of the job do not match the capabilities, resource or needs of the worker” (Lesley, 1994). Person can distress by not fulfilling her emotional and spiritual necessities called “psychiatric injury”. According research report on reasons to suicide, in the year of 2000 there were 33.000 suicides only in Japan because of the “psychiatric injury” (Lesley, 1994). To prevent the “psychiatric injury” person should spend more time on activities (family, sports, etc...) she likes and less on the ones she does not like.

    Consequently, keeping the distress away is a vital part in our lives. Just like Pamuk’s way of doing it. Now Pamuk is more confident, because he led the feelings go outside which helped to bring his self-assurance back. Even the blonde girl rejects him, now he has a self assurance, experienced, and hopeful heart which can work for other girls.
    Last edited by ruzso; 14-Dec-2006 at 04:45.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Can you edit my paragraphs please?

    Capitalize God.

    Say people or a person.

    Space between paragraphs.

    ~R
    Last edited by RonBee; 14-Dec-2006 at 23:53. Reason: to change "capitalize" to "space"

  3. #3
    ruzso is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Can you edit my paragraphs please?

    thank you for your reccommendation

    but lets be more eloborate and constructive please

  4. #4
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: Can you edit my paragraphs please?

    Quote Originally Posted by ruzso View Post
    Hi This is Kournikava, i did my best to write these paragraphs but still need a editing please help me

    Sincerely,

    Today there are many branches or institutions who can answer the question of “how to balance life?” Although the two experts in this field can give a better answer to this question than every other person: spiritual leaders and scientist.[Needs rephrasing - try starting Spiritual leaders and scientists are best ... ]According to psychiatrists, one should focus on the four pillars of vitality which are True Rest, True Play, True Study and True Work (Itstime.com). When these four areas balanced [balance OR are balanced], it allows persons to achieve her Life Task [persons is plural]. For example True Rest could be sleeping in the arms of someone who cares about you. True Play may be creative thinking where [while OR whereas] in True Study learning about evolution [needs clarification - what is learning?] and finally True Work can be enough to [unecessary - try without these words] parenting children. However in religion [religious] or spiritual perspectives it’s little bit different. Meaning [unecessary - try without it] Balancing life is achievable through God as the focal point (spiritualityhealth.com). Instead of doing [unecessary - try without it] the various activities in four pillars, spirituality suggests living a rule of life. Living a rule of life helps one to strive for balance and to be careful what he/she’s["one is" - if you start with "one", you must continue with it] doing. Hence individuals can control their balance of hers[unecessary - try without these words] by accepting God’s rules.

    A person can suffer if she spends most of her time in one of the four pillars rather than balancing time equally. This suffering could be mild, like stress, but could turn out to be really severe too, like committing a [delete] suicide. According to scientists, “stress can be defined as the harmful physical and emotional responses that occur when the requirements of the job do not match the capabilities, resource or needs of the worker” (Lesley, 1994). A person can distress [be distressed ] by not fulfilling her emotional and spiritual necessities [; this is ]called “psychiatric injury". According to [according must be followed by to in this context] a research report on reasons for suicide, in the year of 2000 there were 33,000 suicides only [delete] in Japan alone because of the [delete] “psychiatric injury” (Lesley, 1994). To prevent the “psychiatric injury” a person should spend more time on activities (family, sports, etc...) she likes and less on the ones she does not like.

    Consequently, keeping the [delete] distress away is a vital part in our lives. Just like Pamuk’s way of doing it. Now Pamuk is more confident, because he led the feelings go outside [allowed feelings out] which helped to bring his self-assurance back. Even though the blonde girl rejects him, now he has a self assurance,[delete (repeats a phrase in consecutive sentences) an experienced, and hopeful heart which can work for other girls.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Can you edit my paragraphs please?

    Quote Originally Posted by ruzso View Post

    Today there are many branches or institutions who can answer the question of “how to balance life?”
    It is unclear what is meant by the words branches and institutions. Branches of what? What kinds of institutions?

    Quote Originally Posted by ruzso View Post
    Although the two experts in this field can give a better answer to this question than every other person: spiritual leaders and scientist.


    The phrase "the two experts in this field" would have to refer to two specific people. Also, the word Although is out of place there. What would the question be? Perhaps: "How can I have a more balanced life?"


    Quote Originally Posted by ruzso View Post
    According psychiatrist, one should focus on the four pillars of vitality which are True Rest, True Play, True Study and True Work (Itstime.com).



    Say:
    According to psychiatrists, one should focus on the four pillars of vitality, which are True Rest, True Play, True Study and True Work (Itstime.com).
    Quote Originally Posted by ruzso View Post
    When these four areas balanced, it allows persons to achieve her Life Task.


    Say:
    When these four areas are balanced. . . .

    Or (better):
    Bringing these four areas into balance makes it possible for a person to achieve her Life Task.

    You must use a verb in each and every sentence. Also, strive for clarity. Reread the writing to see if you can find any sentences that are unclear or confusing.


    ~R

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