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Thread: short passage

  1. #1
    kohyoongliat is offline Senior Member
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    Default short passage

    Could someone please edit this short composition for me. Thank you very much.

    Last Sunday afternoon, my brother, Brandon, and I went to the beach with my parents. My father drove us there.
    When we reached the beach, my brother and I changed into our swimming trunks. Then we rushed to the sea, and swam. We threw a ball to each other. When we were tired, we went back to the shore.
    About five minutes later, we had lunch with our parents. We ate the food cooked by my mother. I enjoyed the food cooked by her. After that, my brother and I read the books, which we had brought. About half an hour later, my father told us it was time to go home.
    Soon we were on our way home. A short while later, my brother and I soon fell asleep in the car.
    When we reached home, my mother woke us up.
    It was indeed an enjoyable day!
    Yoong Liat

  2. #2
    Tdol is online now Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: short passage

    It's OK, but it could be improved- there are too many paragraphs in my opinion, so try to merge some. Also, though they're correct in terms of grammar, the sentences are all short and similar. You could improve the quality of the writing if you joined some of them up, which would stop the I-did-this-then-I-did-that style:
    We ate the food cooked by my mother. I enjoyed the food cooked by her.
    I see no need for the second sentence and the repetition of who made the food- you could do something like this:
    My mother (had) cooked the food, and I enjoyed it a lot.

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