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  1. #1
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    Default Love Online--corrections and suggestions

    If you have a moment, could you please give some editing or suggestion or
    anything if you like to add. I'm sorry, but the essay may be long. Thanks a
    lot.

    Love Online

    A beatiful woman and a handsome man, who live in the same neighborhood and
    don't get along with each other, accidentally meet in a chat room and start
    talking about interest, hobbies, life reflection and anything except their
    real identities, jobs or something. Then they find themselves attracted to one
    another and actually start dating online. Finally, on an equally accidental
    occasion, they find their online confidants turn out to be the annoying people
    in their real lives...

    This kind of stories are fantastic at first, but then turn into a bore after
    similar productions come out one after another. However, apart from the super
    -realistic part, I think this reflects pretty much of online love right now.
    As the modern society develops into what it is now--fast pace of life caused
    by even faster high-technology development, we may not afford the time to take
    part in many social activities where we may meet the kind of person we dream
    about. Therefore, popular the Internet is right now, we might want to start a
    relationship online. But more usually, we may just run into someone online in
    the chat room, like in the 'old' online love story, then gradually we may
    think we've at last found "the one".

    But this is just the bright side of it. There has not always been serious
    relationships or platonic friendships online. Some people may just lounge
    about the Internet looking for one night stand or something, which is barely
    some kind of 'love'.

    There is one thing with us that might be ironic: we may want to talk to
    strangers online even though we do not know anything about them, whereas we
    even do not greet someone standing beside us. Such are us, modern people.
    Perhaps that's partly why online love emerges.

  2. #2
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    First paragraph.

    A beatiful woman and a handsome man, who live in the same neighborhood and don't get along with each other, accidentally meet in a chat room and start talking about interest, hobbies, life reflection and anything except their real identities, jobs or something.
    Try:
    • A beautiful woman and a handsome man who know each other in "real life" and don't get along with each other happen to meet in a chat room. They talk about their interests, their hobbies, and anything except their real identities, jobs, or anything that would identify them.


    Then they find themselves attracted to one
    another and actually start dating online. Finally, on an equally accidental
    occasion, they find their online confidants turn out to be the annoying people
    in their real lives...
    Try:
    • They find themselves attracted to each other and start dating online. Finally, they accidentally find out that they are the annoying people they know in their real lives.


    What do you think?

    :)

  3. #3
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    Second paragraph:
    This kind of stories are fantastic at first, but then turn into a bore after similar productions come out one after another.
    The word fantastic doesn't work there very well. Try:
    • These kinds of stories are interesting at first, but they get boring boring after a while. They all have a certain sameness about them.


    What do you think? :)

    However, apart from the super-realistic part, I think this reflects pretty much of online love right now.
    Try:
    • Other than that they happened to know each other beforehand, this story is pretty typical of online love right now.


    As the modern society develops into what it is now--fast pace of life caused by even faster high-technology development, we may not afford the time to take part in many social activities where we may meet the kind of person we dream about.
    Try:
    • As modern society has developed into what it is now--a fastpaced life caused by an even faster pace of high-technology development, we may not afford the time to take part in many social activities where we may meet the kind of person we dream about.


    Is that an accurate interpretation?

    :)

    Therefore, popular the Internet is right now, we might want to start a relationship online. But more usually, we may just run into someone online in the chat room, like in the 'old' online love story, then gradually we may think we've at last found "the one".
    Try:
    • Since the Internet is popular right now, we might want to start a relationship online. But usually we just run into someone online in a chatroom, like in the 'old' online love story, then gradually we may think we've at last found "the one".


    How did I do?

    :)

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    Third paragraph.

    But this is just the bright side of it. There has not always been serious relationships or platonic friendships online. Some people may just lounge about the Internet looking for one night stand or something, which is barely some kind of 'love'.
    Try:
    • But this is just the bright side of it. There have not always been serious relationships or platonic friendships online. Some people may just lounge about the Internet looking for a one night stand or something, which is hardly any kind of love.



    Fourth paragraph.

    There is one thing with us that might be ironic: we may want to talk to strangers online even though we do not know anything about them, whereas we even do not greet someone standing beside us. Such are us, modern people. Perhaps that's partly why online love emerges.
    Try:
    • There is one thing about us that might be ironic. We may want to talk to strangers online even though we do not know anything about them, whereas we might not greet someone standing beside us.


    What do you think?

    :)

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    Thanks, RonBee. It is very nice of you to take time and trouble to edit my writing. I will study it and try to make it part of 'my language'.
    :)
    And I'd like to ask some more questions. What do you think of the last two sentences? Do you think it is redundant, don't you? Would you say 'such are us, modern people'? Or what would you say?.
    :)

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joe
    Thanks, RonBee. It is very nice of you to take time and trouble to edit my writing. I will study it and try to make it part of 'my language'.
    :)
    And I'd like to ask some more questions. What do you think of the last two sentences? Do you think it is redundant, don't you? Would you say 'such are us, modern people'? Or what would you say?.
    :)
    I didn't know what to do with that line at first, so I just left it out of my suggested revision. (You don't really need it anyhow.) However, now I have an idea. How about:
    • That's the way we modern people are.

    Or:
    • That's the way it is with us modern people.


    What do you think?

    :)

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee
    That's the way we modern people are.
    Or:
    That's the way it is with us modern people.
    What do you think?
    I think they are great. I added the last two sentences lest the last paragraph be off topic. :)

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