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  1. #11
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    Besides, children tend to be so obssesed to some television programmes that they can't even concentrate on their homeworks.This way, they tend to waste more time and have to burn the midnight oil, thus causing fragility the ne\xt morning. This is an adverse circulation of life.
    Say: obsessed with. Say: can't concentrate on their homework. (You don't need even there.) Try something else besides fragility the next morning. What is an adverse circulation of life? (You might want to rewrite that somewhat.)

    At times, there will be some unhealthy activities in television programmesthat are not meant for teenagers such as gangsterlism, sexuality, all these will affect teenagers' behaviours as they tend to mimic the bad aspects shown in the television. As the consequences, some audacious teenagers are prone to indulge in crimes, thus increasing crime rates in our country.
    Say: on television. Say: As a consequence.


    One other point is, some products advertised on television may be misleading, thus causing consumers to buy things that are not even worth the price.
    It's the ads that might be misleading. (Television is not unique in that respect.) You do not need even in that sentence.

    I'm finished for now.

    :)

    Any comments on my comments?

    :)

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee
    I want you to rewrite the rest of the sentences yourself, but keep in mind that eating the junk food will make you fat, but serving it will not. :wink:

    This is BMO. Joetmh did not come back, can I try?

    Quote Originally Posted by joetmh

    Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, it's flaw too are inevitable. Long hours of watching or not sitting at the adequate distance can result in permanent eye damage. Television programmes such as dramas can be a form of addiction. Most of the people has the habit of serving junk food while watching television programmes, this will only lead to obesity.
    Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, its flaws are apparent. For example, it has been shown that long hours of watching television continuously and/or not sitting at an adequent distance from it can cause permanent eye damages. In addition, one may get addicted to television programming such as dramas much like a drug abuser or alcoholic to cocaine and liquor. I should also point out that people have the habit of serving junk food while you are watching television, and eating those junk food can lead to obesity.

    Quote Originally Posted by joetmh
    Besides, children tend to be so obssesed to some television programmes that they can't even concentrate on their homeworks.This way, they tend to waste more time and have to burn the midnight oil, thus causing fragility the next morning. This is an adverse circulation of life.
    Furthermore, some children tend to be obsessed with certain television programming they canít concentrate on their homework. They waste valuable time and often must stay late, burning the midnight oil to complete the homework assignment. And in the following day, they are tired; they canít concentrate in the classroom. This seems like a vicious circle in the making.

    Quote Originally Posted by joetmh
    At times, there will be some unhealthy activities in television programmes that are not meant for teenagers such as gangsterlism, sexuality, all these will affect teenagers' behaviours as they tend to mimic the bad aspects shown in the television. As the consequences, some audacious teenagers are prone to indulge in crimes, thus increasing crime rates in our country.
    At times, there are unhealthy programming on television such as gangsterism, sexuality, violence that are not suitable for teenagers. These bad activities may affect youngsters in their behaviors as they tend to mimic. As a consequence, some may act out in real life, committing crimes or other unlawful activities, now or when they grow up, thus contributing to the increase in crime rates in our country.

    Quote Originally Posted by joetmh
    One other point is, some products advertised on television may be misleading, thus causing consumers to buy things that are not even worth the price.
    Finall, television has another drawback: those misleading commercial advertisements. Consumers may inadvertently buy advertised products they neither need nor worth the price, or pay for a piece of junk that looks so great on a shopping channel.

    Quote Originally Posted by joetmh
    All in all, bla bla bla.. ( i cant think of an ending... :) )

    So... anyone has a better suggestion in changing any sentences in here and welcomed
    Are you throwing away television because it is bad for your children? Or are you putting one in every room so you children can watch CNN to keep up with whatís going on in the world? Certainly television has it pros and cons, but isnít that true with many other inventions of our civilization? In my opinion, it is not television itself but we who must make that important choice - between its pros or its cons.

    BMO

  3. #13
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    Your rewrite is an improvement indeed. :)

    Allow me to make a few comments on your comments. :)

    Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, its flaws are apparent. For example, it has been shown that long hours of watching television continuously and/or not sitting at an adequent distance from it can cause permanent eye damages. In addition, one may get addicted to television programming such as dramas much like a drug abuser or alcoholic to cocaine and liquor. I should also point out that people have the habit of serving junk food while you are watching television, and eating those junk food can lead to obesity.
    Try:
    • Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, its flaws are apparent. For example, it has been shown that long hours of watching television continuously or sitting too close while watching television can cause permanent eye damage. In addition, one may get addicted to television programming such as dramas much like a drug abuser or alcoholic to cocaine and liquor. I should also point out that people have the habit of eating junk food while watching television, and that can lead to obesity.


    Furthermore, some children tend to be obsessed with certain television programming they canít concentrate on their homework. They waste valuable time and often must stay late, burning the midnight oil to complete the homework assignment. And in the following day, they are tired; they canít concentrate in the classroom. This seems like a vicious circle in the making.
    Try:
    • Furthermore, some children tend to be so obsessed with certain television programs that they canít concentrate on their homework. Because they spend so much time watching television they wind up staying up late, burning the midnight oil so they can complete their homework assignments. On the following day they are tired and can't concentrate in the classroom. It can become a vicious circle.


    At times, there are unhealthy programming on television such as gangsterism, sexuality, violence that are not suitable for teenagers. These bad activities may affect youngsters in their behaviors as they tend to mimic. As a consequence, some may act out in real life, committing crimes or other unlawful activities, now or when they grow up, thus contributing to the increase in crime rates in our country.
    Try:
    • At times there are programs with violence or sex, and young people may not be mature enough to know how to cope with such things. They may mimic something they saw on televison and get in trouble. They may even commit crimes as a result of something they saw on television.


    Finall, television has another drawback: those misleading commercial advertisements. Consumers may inadvertently buy advertised products they neither need nor worth the price, or pay for a piece of junk that looks so great on a shopping channel.
    Try:
    • Finally, television has another drawback: those seductive commercials. A commercial may convince a person to buy a particular item even though he neither needs nor can afford it.


    Are you throwing away television because it is bad for your children? Or are you putting one in every room so you children can watch CNN to keep up with whatís going on in the world? Certainly television has it pros and cons, but isnít that true with many other inventions of our civilization? In my opinion, it is not television itself but we who must make that important choice - between its pros or its cons.
    Try:
    • Are you throwing away your television because it is bad for your children? Or are you putting one in every room so you children can watch CNN to keep up with whatís going on in the world? Certainly television has its pros and cons, but that is true with anything. In my opinion, it is not television itself but we who must make that important choice -- to control our own habits.


    What do you think?

    :)

  4. #14
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    Great, much improved. Thanks.

    BMO

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