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  1. #1
    lifegoeson's Avatar
    lifegoeson is offline Newbie
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    help me plz, the deadline is coming to town :((

    The idea just boomed out in my head yesterday so maybe u'll find it a really mess. But u guyz are my only hope. Thx in advance.
    This is my personal statement version x.y .

    Topic: a memorable event and its impacts on ur life


    In such case, what a little girl can do? I didn’t know. My sleepless nights was full of tears, I cried in silence, calling out the sweet past, trying to caress my broken soul by the illusory image of a happy family. I didn’t want my mother hearing my sob, did not let anybody see my tears. I kept the sorrow for my own, eliminating painful thoughts through wails in order to be smiling and optimistic in the following morning.

    When I was in grade 9th, Dad left with a woman who is not mom. This disordered my tranquil family. Mom became cantankerous and cried a lot; my 2 younger brothers became silent than they had used to. The family, which had seemed to be so crowded, at that time, was hardly noisier than a funeral house with emotionlessly staggering shadows.

    My life was seemingly divided into 2: night and day, smile and tear. I couldn’t remember how many times I prayed, even I am an atheist, I begged God, Buddha, and my dead grand father to turn back the time, and I would pay it at any cost even my death. I envied my friends’ carefreeness, wonder why I had to suffer that hurt, why I could not pay my all attention to study, hang out with close friends talking about guys, fashion and all other trifling topics but being at home to fill up the missed position of my father. I knew if I had fell down, I would have brought my poor family along to the abyss. Crying and moaning couldn’t bring him back. I learnt how to console my brothers when mom and dad quarreled, learnt to be a strong shoulder for mom to lean on, learnt to hide the dark rings around my sunken sleepless eyes and make jokes while my inside self bled. There’s no one but me having to be responsible while all the people who knew my family’s situation always told me “Don’t let this disturb you, your only job is studying”. But how, how could I be indifferent with my own pain?

    The first time in life, I faced the difficulty which was not academic, not the torments such why 9 but not 10 or how to get the 1st prize; the first time in life, I really cared about my family, really talked with mom as woman to woman, went to kitchen to prepare the dinner. However I still had a competitive high school entrance exam to pass. After the long day shouldering the family burden, I backed to my small room, turned on the lamp and began my usual late night battle with exercises, books and extra puzzles while the test day came nearer and nearer. I did succeed, excelled thousands other students to get a ticket into my dream school. This placebo warmed up my family: mom looked better, smiled more and hastened to prepare for the summer vacancy congratulating my being admitted into the dream school. Seemingly, the crisis passed.

    The deep wound faded along with the flux of time, I got used to the dichotomy life, hiding all my lamentation under the “success” mask to delude everybody but me. I kept on lengthening my accomplishment list, did the things that many people longed for: prizes, scholarships, and matriculation. Although the hiccups every night helped me neither delete the pain nor repress the sorrow having buried through years, I was trained to be stronger. No longer an unaffected and carefree girl, now I completed maturely the leader position at both school and home.

    From this experience, I learn that I cannot choose the situation I have to face but I can choose the way to get over it. I did not stop to lament for my pain but I dared to stand up bravely to keep on my journey. And I realize the love, trust and encouragement people around gave me, making me stronger to go on my own way, even when it seems to be so risky and rough. I knew mom, my little brothers and friends are always behind me to keep me warm from cold nights writing essays, give me consciousness to amass thousands of SAT words. And I never stop ‘cause I know “ He who is afraid of hurting his own leg dares not to move on, but if so he stops, his legs are worthless”.


  2. #2
    lifegoeson's Avatar
    lifegoeson is offline Newbie
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    Re: help me plz, the deadline is coming to town :((

    is there anybody seeing my moribund status

  3. #3
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: help me plz, the deadline is coming to town :((

    I kept the sorrow for my own,- to myself
    grade 9th- 9th grade
    This disordered my tranquil family- something like 'this broke up the tranquility of the family'
    hardly noisier than a funeral house - as quiet as a house in mourning? or do you mean a 'funeral home'- where they deal with the dead bodies?
    my inside self - inner
    I faced the difficulty which was not academic- a difficulty
    the first time in life, I really cared about my family- for...
    After the long day shouldering the family burden- a long day
    I backed to my small room- went back
    excelled thousands other- beating thousands of other
    to the dichotomy life- I'd delete 'life'
    “success” mask - mask of success
    I completed maturely the leader position - I assumed a leadership role
    From this experience, I learn- have learned
    not stop to lament - lamenting
    give me consciousness to amass thousands of SAT words- how about 'give me the strength'
    “ He who is afraid of hurting his own leg dares not to move on, but if so he stops, his legs are worthless”- how about saying where this comes from- is it a Chinese saying?

  4. #4
    lifegoeson's Avatar
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    Re: help me plz, the deadline is coming to town :((

    thank u very much Tdol for ur editing, it's better than the spelling & grammar checking function in Microsoft Word ^^
    about the quote I mention in the last sentence, I do not know its origin I just translated it into English coz it's really my favorite maxim.
    Should I say that "I have heard this saying from someone.."(sth like that) to avoid plaigierization? And what do u think about the content? Does this essay work? I felt that I have a really big problem with writing long and complex sentences :((:((:((

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