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  1. #1
    nur is offline Junior Member
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    Default Can anyone please review this?

    Hello!

    I have here a poem that I wrote two years ago. Can anyone please check for anything that may be incorrect (grammar, tenses, strange phrases, etc.). Comments and suggestions are welcome!

    The Little Box

    Iíve seen it a lot of times,
    While walking down the stairs,
    Although it isnít really a crime,
    It arouses anger and despair.

    Where is the love?
    Where is the care?
    It isnít something that they deserve,
    Have you got some love to spare?

    In that little box,
    Two little siblings side by side,
    Sleeping, dreaming what babies might,
    Little that they know that their rights,
    Have been abused, have been denied.

    Passers by stop, overwhelmed by sympathy,
    Those who really care, pray theyíll be okay,
    But most, not even a strand of pity,
    They simply donít bother, donít care.

    The sun has set, the moon is high,
    Hunger pangs gnawing on their stomachs,
    What else can little babies do but cry,
    Oh dear! What though, bad luck!

    Rays of sunshine touched them twice,
    Before they bid goodbye to life forever,
    No one will ever again hear their cries,
    But to some, it doesnít matter.

    These little kittens once had a mother,
    Who loved them like any other,
    But someone thought they were a burden,
    Put them in a box, and they were abandoned.

    Were these innocents born to die?
    Others can do this inhumane act, but not I,
    Iíll do anything within my power,
    To help kittens abandoned in the corner.

  2. #2
    curmudgeon's Avatar
    curmudgeon is offline Key Member
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      • Retired English Teacher
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      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
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    Default Re: Can anyone please review this?

    Quote Originally Posted by nur View Post
    Hello!

    I have here a poem that I wrote two years ago. Can anyone please check for anything that may be incorrect (grammar, tenses, strange phrases, etc.). Comments and suggestions are welcome!

    The Little Box ... How about 'The little Box on the Stairs'

    I saw the little box
    While walking down the stairs,
    Although it's not a crime,
    It arouses anger and despair.

    Where is the love?
    Where is the care?
    It's nothing they deserve,
    Have you got some love to spare?

    In that little box,
    Two siblings side by side,
    Sleeping, dreaming as babies might,
    Little do they know their rights,
    Have been abused, have been denied.

    Passers by look down with sympathy,
    Those who really care, pray theyíll be okay,
    But most show no strand of pity,
    They simply donít bother, donít care.

    The sun has set, the moon is high,
    Hunger pangs gnaw at their stomachs,
    What else can little babies do but cry?,
    Oh dear! What though, bad luck!

    Rays of sunshine touched them twice,
    Before they bade goodbye to life forever,
    No one will ever hear again their cries,
    But to some, it doesnít matter.

    Those little kittens had a mother,
    Who loved them like any other,
    But someone thought they were a burden,
    Put them in a box, and they were abandoned.

    Were these innocents born to die?
    Others may do this inhuman act, not I,
    I'd have done anything within my power,
    For those kittens in the box.
    Very good and very emotional, have you any more?
    Last edited by curmudgeon; 13-Jan-2007 at 02:22.

  3. #3
    JACOOL is offline Member
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      • Academic
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      • Arabic
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      • Saudi Arabia
      • Current Location:
      • Saudi Arabia
    Join Date
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    371
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    Default Re: Can anyone please review this?

    great work! no more to be said J

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