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  1. #1
    Cache is offline Junior Member
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    text about why people attend college, correct it please

    Hi!

    Please, I need someone to correct this text. It should have CAE's level.


    Topic: Why do people go to college?

    People go on studying after high school for many reasons. Some of them attend college to have a degree, others in order to increase their knowledge and few people because they just want to be in touch with others.

    Nowadays, the labour market asks for workers with studies and that makes people attend to college. Even though people who finish high school is prepared to do several jobs, many jobs do not hire people who only finish secondary. Most of the employers look for people graduated from university.

    Many people go to college as they simply want to know more than they do. They think increasing their knowledge is one of the goals in their lives and make the human being mature. Actually, some people study all their life since they take courses in which they are interested in. Intellectual people believe colleges are the best place to increase their knowledge and be a better person.

    Finally, in some countries few people go to college in order to be in touch with other people. Although colleges are not places to make friends, few people go to college to meet others and have fun. They think people with the same interests can be found in college and a friendship can start. Despite the fact that going to university is frowned upon, a small number of people go to college to start friendships.

    In summary, people go to college either to increase their knowledge or to be better prepared for jobs. Even, there are several who believe colleges are good places to make friends.



    Thanks! ;)

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: text about why people attend college, correct it please

    and few people- do you mean this or 'a few'? Repeated error- sort out the difference (paragraph 4)
    asks for workers with studies- rephrase this
    people who finish high school is prepared- subject/verb agreement error
    Most of the employers- which employers?
    people graduated from university- what do you call people who have graduates from university?
    want to know more than they do.- does 'than they do' help? Maybe rephrase the whole bit
    make the human being mature- what's the subject of this?
    in which they are interested in- Paul MacCartney holds the world record for unnecessary prepositions when he sang 'in this world in which we live in'; don't follow him
    Despite the fact that going to university is frowned upon, a small number of people go to college to start friendships.- I think that something's missing from this sentence
    Even, there are - As a general piece of advice, I would imagine an alarm bell going off in your head every time you are tempted to use the word 'even'; it's very commonly used wrongly, so try to sort this out.

    OK, make the changes and we'll chat about the quality. As I explained, I am in a bit of a rush today.

  3. #3
    Cache is offline Junior Member
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    Re: text about why people attend college, correct it please

    * When I wrote few people I meant not too much.
    *asks for employees with qualifications
    *people who finish high school are prepared
    *most of tourism employers
    *graduated people= graduated people from university ??
    *want to know more
    *I cannot figure out my mistake
    *LOL in which we are interested
    *Despite the fact that going to the university is frowned upon, a small number of people go to the college to start friendships.
    *There are also

    Thanks! :)

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: text about why people attend college, correct it please

    1 few people- not enough a few people- small number without the negative connotation: I have a few friends (no problem/I have few friends (I'm lonely)
    2 requires qualified staff
    3 You misundetand- the article suggests that I should know which employers you are talking about, but the text has not mentioned them- when talking in general, say 'most employers'
    4 just use 'graduates'
    5 Yes, but how about 'want to gain greater knowledge'? or something like that
    6 The subject is 'increasing their knowledge', so it should be 'makes'
    7 Who frowns upon university? People may frown upon those that go there for social reasons, but I think you have to qualify your statement; otherwise, it strikes me as factually wrong


    OK, now for the assessment part.
    What will the examiners be looking for?
    1 Does it answer the question?
    2 Does it follow the requirements in word length, etc?
    3 Does it use the apprpriate format?

    Contents
    1 Layout/formatting- are they OK (paragraphing, etc)
    2 Style- is the language apprpriate for the type of writing
    3 Coherence- is it well-connected laguage that is easy to read or does it chop and change without linking sentences into paragrapahs and then into the whole text
    4 Vocabulary- is it appropriate for the task, does it show a wide knowledge of vocab, while avoiding the temptation to try to show off words in an exagerated manner
    5 Structures- is the person using advanced grammatical structures and using them well


    Despite the evidence to the contrary, examniers are himan beings, and few people jump out of bed deperate to read thirty discussions about the reasons for people going to college, so I think it's an idea to have a mental picture of a bored, sleepy person going through az pile of papers- what have you got in your writing taht will wake them up, make them think, 'Yes, this is good.'

    Try to evaluate yourself along these lines, then I'll tell you what I think, but I think that an essential part of CAE is developing a keen sense of what you're doing and what is required. BTW, have you done the First Certificate exam?

  5. #5
    Cache is offline Junior Member
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    Re: text about why people attend college, correct it please

    My opinion is that gramatically my essays are right but they need more vocabulary and organisation.

    If I were a CAE's teacher, I would rate my essay with a 3 (from 6 to 1).


    I have not done FCE and believe I cannot do it in the following two years. My level is upper-intermediate but I am studying with books for FCE's exam.

    Thanks for helping me :)

  6. #6
    Cache is offline Junior Member
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    Re: text about why people attend college, correct it please

    I forgot to say that I do not need neither FCE's degree nor CAE's degree to enter into the translation couse, ONLY the Level of English

  7. #7
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: text about why people attend college, correct it please

    In all honesty, I think this would struggle to pass CAE. It's not that there's much wrong with the writing, but I think it is too simplistic. I agree with you about vocab- the only term that stands out is the use of 'frown upon'. It's important to avoid sopunding as if you have swallowed a thesaurus, but you could use more synonyms- for instance, why not squeeze a 'tertiary education' in there to replace one of the repetitions of 'college'.

    In terms of organisation, you are doing quite a lot right, sequencing and contrasting. However, I would look at paragraph length- they seem a bit short at times, which sugests that there is room for further development of ideas. Also, as well as linking ideas, it would be good of you also graded them, so that the final one could be graded as the least important.

    In terms of language structure, almost all of it is written in the present tense- you could throw in a bit of conjecture to add some variety and move in to the area of the modals so beloved of examiners.

    Let's take an example:
    People go on studying after high school for many reasons. Some of them attend college to have a degree, others in order to increase their knowledge and few people because they just want to be in touch with others.

    You start with saying many, but then give three, which I think doesn't count as many. How about som,ething like this:
    There are three main reasons for continuing studying after high school. Some people look on a degree as a qualification that will further their careers, while others view tertiary education as a way of broadening their knowledge.

    Why don't you have a bash with one of the paragraphs above?

  8. #8
    Cache is offline Junior Member
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    Re: text about why people attend college, correct it please

    In all honesty, I think this would struggle to pass CAE

    No matter, I like frank people ;)


    It's not that there's much wrong with the writing, but I think it is too simplistic

    I am aware of the lack of more vocabulary. From now on, I promise I will use a synonyms dictionary ;). 'frown upon' was the only expression I looked up in the dictionary

    By using conjectures, did you mean I should use modals such as may, might, must to guess and make conjectures?
    Let's take an example:
    People go on studying after high school for many reasons. Some of them attend college to have a degree, others in order to increase their knowledge and few people because they just want to be in touch with others.

    You start with saying many, but then give three, which I think doesn't count as many.

    How about something like this:
    There are three main reasons for continuing studying after high school. Some people look on a degree as a qualification that will further their careers, while others view tertiary education as a way of broadening their knowledge.
    It shows you are an admirable student ;)

    Why don't you have a bash with one of the paragraphs above?
    Let's try :)

    Finally, in some countries few people go to college in order to be in touch with other people. Although colleges are not places to make friends, few people go to college to meet others and have fun. They think people with the same interests can be found in college and a friendship can start. Despite the fact that going to university is frowned upon, a small number of people go to college to start friendships.
    Finally, in some states old folk find academics as a way to be in touch with others. Although these are not spaces to make friends, it is not frowned upon by some citizens. They believe groups with same interests can be form and close friendships would be starting. However, several colleges authorities have stated these associations into colleges and universities only promote isolation. Some universities are discovering the formation of groups into them, with argument over contacting people in academics, while authorities do not like this with the phenomenon.


    Ohhh It is much different and finer! :)

    Tell me your opinion please, using synonym dictionary pays off in the end ;)

    Many thanks! I really appreciate your help :)

  9. #9
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: text about why people attend college, correct it please

    Conjectures- yes, I did mean that

    Academic- the person
    Academia - the institutions
    Find the passive error
    Explain the 'however' sentence more clearly.

    This is fun.

  10. #10
    Cache is offline Junior Member
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    Re: text about why people attend college, correct it please

    ...close friedships can be started.....

    I do not find the however sentence unclear

    I like having fun ;)

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