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  1. #1
    Kincaid is offline Newbie
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    Red face Edit an paragraph/paper

    This is part of my essay so far:

    The world revolves around being pleased or being the pleaser. If you are the pleaser you would have to ignore your true emotions to receive what you want. In my case, I repress my emotions to please others-especially when it comes to work, home, and my girlfriend. [Trying to find out transition into next paragraph]
    While I am at work I try to be a happy outgoing guy, and just put aside my feelings for later. My employer, whom is a manager for JcPenney, scheduled me to work on my 3 year anniversary with my girlfriend, and I was furious. I verbally fought desperately to change shifts with anyone that was available, but to my misfortune there was nobody. Clinging to the thought of walking out, I pushed my anger out of my mind and allowed my manager to walk over me. There was a time when my manager cut my hours from forty to twenty five hours a week, because I accidentally dropped some merchandise. I had told him that I would pay it back, or even work those hours off to repay itůbut he would not hear of it. If I had not held my burning contempt to yell at him I would have broken more merchandise out of anger to push his temper over the edge. Another example of holding back my emotion was when my manager took credit for work I had accomplished. The store was having an inspection, and the managers wanted to have the trucks unloaded, because it was full with merchandise. My manager sent me to clear out the whole truck over two days by myself. After working like a slave I finished that little task. The next day I found out that my manager was being complimented highly by our store manager, and then also received a three hundred dollar bonus. My jaw dropped at what I had heard. I could not believe he would take credit for it, and receive a bonus without even giving me ANY thanks at all. My mind was racing for ideas of how to get back at him. First impulse would have been to walk up to the store manager and say something, but I knew I risked being firedůso I bit my lip and let myself be engulfed by rage. Holding back my emotions is an addictive drug while at work. At home itĺs an everyday feeling that can be about anything.



    Thanks

  2. #2
    Agnes is offline Member
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    Default Re: Edit an paragraph/paper

    Must say. you write well...I think!!

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Edit an paragraph/paper

    your writing is good. some of the things you have mentioned is very true. is your essay based on true events? because i know exactly how you feel. I work in a different environment than yours and believe me I know what you are talking about. thats everyday life there is nothing we can do about it.

    by the way what are you studying?

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Edit an paragraph/paper

    Re:
    The world revolves around being pleased or being the pleaser. If you are the pleaser you would have to ignore your true emotions to receive what you want.
    Delete would in the second sentence. Also, you can use get instead of receive. (That might work better.)

    Re:
    In my case, I repress my emotions to please others-especially when it comes to work, home, and my girlfriend.
    You mention too many things there for you to use espcially. Instead, say:
    I repress my emotions to please others--at home, at work, and with my girlfriend.
    Re:
    While I am at work I try to be a happy outgoing guy, and just put aside my feelings for later. My employer, whom is a manager for JcPenney, scheduled me to work on my 3 year anniversary with my girlfriend, and I was furious. I verbally fought desperately to change shifts with anyone that was available, but to my misfortune there was nobody. Clinging to the thought of walking out, I pushed my anger out of my mind and allowed my manager to walk over me. There was a time when my manager cut my hours from forty to twenty five hours a week, because I accidentally dropped some merchandise.
    Delete two commas. Capitalization.

    Re:
    I had told him that I would pay it back, or even work those hours off to repay itůbut he would not hear of it.
    Put that in simple past instead of past perfect. Try:
    I told him that I would pay for it, but he would not hear of it.
    (You couldn't pay it back or repay it, since it was not a loan.)

    Re:
    If I had not held my burning contempt to yell at him I would have broken more merchandise out of anger to push his temper over the edge.
    Try:
    If I had not restrained myself I would have broken more merchandise out of anger and pushed his temper over the edge.
    Re:
    Another example of holding back my emotion was when my manager took credit for work I had accomplished.
    Try:
    Another example of holding back my emotions was the time when my manager took credit for work I had done.
    (That might be a good place to start another paragraph.)

    Re:
    The store was having an inspection, and the managers wanted to have the trucks unloaded, because it was full with merchandise.
    What word or words should be changed?

    Re:
    After working like a slave I finished that little task.
    Punctuation.

    Re:
    The next day I found out that my manager was being complimented highly by our store manager, and then also received a three hundred dollar bonus.
    Try:
    The next day I found out that my manager was being complimented highly by our store manager, and I later learned that he received a three hundred dollar bonus.
    Re:
    My jaw dropped at what I had heard. I could not believe he would take credit for it, and receive a bonus without even giving me ANY thanks at all.
    What changes should be made there?

    Re:
    First impulse would have been to walk up to the store manager and say something, but I knew I risked being firedůso I bit my lip and let myself be engulfed by rage.
    Say:
    My first impulse was to walk up to the store manager and say something, but I knew I would risk being fired if I did that, so I bit my lip and let myself be engulfed by rage.
    Re:
    Holding back my emotions is an addictive drug while at work.
    That suggests that it's something you crave.

    ~R

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