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  1. #1
    jinnie1704 is offline Newbie
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    Default Plz comment my essay! interesting topic but hard to write

    Please check and comment it! Thanks a lot!


    Topic: The rate of crimes among young people increases day by day. Some people think it is because the mother works outside the home. What do you think?


    Along with the development of society, there has been an increasing rise in the rate of crimes committed by young people. Some people think that it is because the mother works outside the home. Personally, I don’t agree with this idea.
    First of all, the deviance and doing wrong of any child cannot be shifted to the mother. Although mothers are traditionally believed to be responsible for taking care of the whole family, especially the children, bringing up children is the work of both mothers and fathers. Therefore, it is unreasonable to state that the crimes among young people are the result of mothers’ working outside the home ignoring the role of fathers as well as others family’s members.
    Secondly, the idea that mothers’ working outside the home leads to the rise in the rate of crimes by young people encourages mothers to stay at home so it is against women’s freedom. Generally, mothers have more time with their children than fathers, so that they can teach them many things and protect them from bad affections. But they really don’t have to stick to their children as much as possible to make sure that their children are all right. Instead, they can have more time for themselves to pursue their own interests and their careers as well, which obviously leads to their working outside.
    Moreover, the reasons causing crimes among young people are various and complex, which are do with many factors around young people, not only family or the absence of mothers. Young people have little experience and are easily affected while the outer world is filled with negative temptations and a lot of bad people, which is why many people think they should always be looked after by parents, especially by mothers. However, in fact, over-caring can dangerously harm young people. Being overprotected makes young people even less experienced but more vulnerable to bad things. They have little idea about what is wrong or right, or try to do something illegal as a way to break the strict and boring defense around them.
    In conclusion, although the connection between the increasing rate of crimes committed by young people and the absence of mothers is still under controversy, based on all that mentioned above, I think mothers’ working outside the home is not the reason causing the crime commitment of young people.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Plz comment my essay! interesting topic but hard to write

    Quote Originally Posted by jinnie1704 View Post
    Please check and comment it!
    Please read it and comment on it.
    Quote Originally Posted by jinnie1704 View Post
    Topic: The rate of crimes among young people increases day by day. Some people think it is because the mother works outside the home. What do you think?
    The rate of crimes among young people increases daily. Some people think that is because the mothers of those young people work outside the home. What do you think?

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Plz comment my essay! interesting topic but hard to write

    Quote Originally Posted by jinnie1704 View Post

    Along with the development of society, there has been an increasing rise in the rate of crimes committed by young people. Some people think that it is because the mother works outside the home. Personally, I donít agree with this idea.
    Along with the development of society, there has been an increasing rise in the rate of crimes committed by young people. Some people think that is because the mothers of those young people work outside the home. I don't agree with that idea.
    Quote Originally Posted by jinnie1704 View Post
    First of all, the deviance and doing wrong of any child cannot be shifted to the mother. Although mothers are traditionally believed to be responsible for taking care of the whole family, especially the children, bringing up children is the work of both mothers and fathers. Therefore, it is unreasonable to state that the crimes among young people are the result of mothersí working outside the home ignoring the role of fathers as well as others familyís members.
    First of all, the deviance and wrongdoing of any child cannot be blamed on the mother. Although mothers are traditionally believed to be responsible for taking care of the whole family, especially the children, bringing up children is the work of both mothers and fathers. Therefore, it is unreasonable to state that the crimes among young people are the result of mothers working outside the home, ignoring the role of fathers as well as that of other family members.

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Plz comment my essay! interesting topic but hard to write

    Quote Originally Posted by jinnie1704 View Post
    Secondly, the idea that mothersí working outside the home leads to the rise in the rate of crimes by young people encourages mothers to stay at home so it is against womenís freedom. Generally, mothers have more time with their children than fathers, so that they can teach them many things and protect them from bad affections. But they really donít have to stick to their children as much as possible to make sure that their children are all right. Instead, they can have more time for themselves to pursue their own interests and their careers as well, which obviously leads to their working outside.
    Secondly, the idea that mothers working outside the home leads to the rise in the rate of crimes by young people encourages mothers to stay at home, so it is against womenís freedom. Generally, mothers spend more time with their children than fathers do, so that they can teach them many things and protect them from bad influences. But they really don't have to stay with their children as much as possible to make sure that their children are all right. Instead, they can have more time for themselves to pursue their own interests and their careers as well, which obviously leads to their working outside the home.

  5. #5
    salaheamean is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Plz comment my essay! interesting topic but hard to write

    i am arabic student , i also have a major problem in writing . could you please give me your help, as i am going to write and i hope that you could correct me by giving me all my mistakes . i appreciate that for you ,and thak you very much
    Last edited by salaheamean; 14-Sep-2007 at 18:46.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Plz comment my essay! interesting topic but hard to write

    Quote Originally Posted by salaheamean View Post
    i am arabic student , i also have a major problem in writing . could you please give me your help, as i am going to write and i hope that you could correct me by giving me all my mistakes . i appreciate that for you ,and thak you very much
    You have major problems with punctuation. Say:
    I am an Arabic student. I have major problems with writing. Could you please help me? I hope you will help me by pointing out my mistakes.
    ~R

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