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  1. #1
    Mortdefides is offline Newbie
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    Can you take a look at this story

    I'm something of an author and I want to be sure that what I've written isn't full of mistakes and etc.So can you just take a look at this story I've written:

    -Hey, Jоhn, howíre you doiní?
    -Oh, Iím just fine.You?
    -Me too!What a lovely day it is, isnít it?
    -Yeah...The sun shine, the birds sing, the flowers are growing and coloring themselves.
    -Spring!
    -Youíre right, the springís here.
    These guys were right.The spring was everywhere.The snow was melting gown, the snow flowers were growing in the countrysides, the people were happy and glad that the cold winter, wich once was wispering about death and ice now was gone.Oh, and those bird...oh, the birds was singing their wonderful songs for sun and love.Everything was new and fresh.Even the people looked a bit changed and happier.But there was one person, whose thoughts wasnít at the spring, nor at the winterís end.His name was Peter.He was a little boy, living in the west part of Bribich, Scotland.His mother was already dead, but his father was still alive...somewhere.He havenít see him since his born.His mother(Julia)told Peter, that his father was not a good person, but a god thief.So he was in prison somewhere in England, because he tried to steal one personís money, but he just didnít have luck.That person was a good soldier and he was captured and put in prison.And now Peter was all alone, one pure boy and a orphan.He was trying to get something to eat this morning, but there wasnít anything in the bins and nobody didnít give nothing, so he was still starving.
    -Mr., do you have any money?
    -No, kid, I donít.
    -What about food?Do you have any?
    -No, I donít.Leave me alone, I wouldnít give you anything, bacause I donít have anything.
    -Okay.
    This was the answer from all of the people, crossing the street.Nobody wanted to give his own money or food to somebody else.People were selfish, but we canít blame them.They were poor too, maybe their own familys didnít have food on the table or money to buy food.No one is so stupid(or so good as a person)to give his own to the others.We had lost the meaning of the word mercy.In our souls there is only badness and the selfishness, wich are burning us inside and forcing us, beating us to know only ďmineĒ, not ďourĒ!People are crule.
    ďNow what?How am I going to live like that?Ē-was thinking PeterĒI should try to be a thief...NO!Never!I wonít be a thief, never, never, never!ĒYes, he was a good boy, but still, he was poor and he had not any clothes, so he was hungry and cold.He had a caugh.But his only option was to stay in the snow, because if Jack see him he will ask him for his money, wich Peter do not have.He owe 10 dollars to that boy-Jack.He was 5 years older than Peter and he had some more boys with him-that was his way to be interesting-beating smaller boys.
    -Hey, kid!
    -Hey, Jack.-said the little boy and tried to leave.
    -What is your hurry?!-barked one of Jackís friends and caugh Peterís hair.
    That was painful and the poor boy stopped.
    -Get your ass here, you little worm.-shouted Jack.
    -Yeah, little worm!-laughed one other guy with skinny body and funny-looking clothes.
    -Okay, Iím here!Have it your way.-said Peter with his eyes shut, waiting.
    -Hey, hey!Open your eyes.Someone could think, that Iíll kill you.
    -Yeah, kill you.-laughed the same skinny boy.
    -Shut up, idiot.I just want to warn you.Iím giving you ten seconds to get your dirty and stupid ass out of my area.If I see you here again without any money in your pocket...youíll be a dead man.
    -Okay, Jack.
    -Iím starting count.One...two...
    -Okay, okay...
    -Get lost!-said the ďidiotĒ laughing.
    -Three, four...
    But Peter was running and the only thing, that he managed to hear was the laugher.He ran and ran.
    ďWhy must they always make fun of me.Why?!What did I do to them to hate me?If I donít go to that place I will be hungry all the time.Ē
    But his questions were too hard to be answered.Peter stood up as if nothing has happened and continued his walk around the town.There wasnít anything he could do, but walked around, trying to find something interesting.
    -Please, sir, do you have any money?
    -Get lost, boy!
    And the same conversation was repeating again and again.The old story.But suddenly in the sadness and darkness Peterís friend-Mark McBride came and sat next to the begger.
    -Great day, huh?
    -Yeah, right!
    -Whatís wrong, Peter?
    -I can ask you the same.
    -No, you canít.Nothingís wrong with me, but you look miserable.
    -Iím miserable.I donít have any money, I donít have work, I donít...I donít have life at all.
    -Wow, take it easy, pal.There is a lot of life before you.And donít be worry soon youíll be rich, Iím sure.
    Peter laughed on that joke, but his laughter wasnít normal-it was sad and hopless.
    -Yes, Iíll be rich and you will be the next prince of England.
    -I bet I will be!
    -HA-HA-HA-HA!Mark you are going to kill me.But letís stop with the jokes and letís get to work.
    -Leave the thinking to me, okay?
    -All right, Mark.Youíre the brain.-said Peter with irony.
    Mark was a bit stupid, but he didnít think so.His favorite phrase was:ĒLeave the thinking on me.ĒThe poor kid was sure, that he is smart, but the nature didnít think so...
    -Okay, letís get to work.But we donít have work...-sighed Peter.-We...we are just beggers, whose problems never wonít be solve.
    -Hey, keep your head up.Weíll be just fine.-smiled Mark.He was such a optimist.
    -Yeah, right...
    -Donít you belive me yet?!-said with big surprise the optimist.
    -No, no.I still belive you, donít be worry, but Iíve lost my hope.
    Mark smiled sadly.Even he understood the hard situation, in wich they both got into.Their lifes were too hard for smiles, but still Peter smiled and Mark smiled.They stood up and tried to go somewhere, but...there wasnít any place where they could go.They left that street and went to an old building with broken windows.There were kids on their age there...a lot of them.Some of them were running, other were dying from hunger or perhaps from illnesses. Dirth is the only word, wich can describe that place.But for the beggers and for the other children it was home.There were fires placed in the building.There was one in the beckyard. Peter and Mark went there to warm themselves.Other children where there too.
    -Hey, Peter, whatís up with you?-asked one girl with blond curls and beautiful, but dirty hands.
    -Bad day.
    -Oh, we know.Come to warm yourselves.-smiled the girl.
    Around the fire were two kids-the girl and one other boy.The girlís name was Lilly.The boyís name was Daniel.He was brother of the girl.Their parents were dead.
    -I guess Jack wants his money back, doesnít he?
    -He does.If I donít give them back he wonít let me in his area.And you know that only in his area you can get money.There are a lot of people and if you stand there you can get about seven dollars of even more.
    -Yeah, we know.-said Daniel.-I got eleven dollars two week ago.It was enough to buy food for two of us and we even tried to buy a cake, but it costed 25 dollars.
    -Hey, donít get so sad, friends.I will think of something.Donít be worry.Weíll be rich someday.-said Mark.
    -Yeah, right.I already have 1 000 bucks in my pocket.-said Daniel.
    -One day, I promise.



    ۰


    The next day wasnít so terrible.In fact in the morning it was sunny and not very cold.Mark woke up first.His mind was full of ideas and new ways to earn money.Of course any of those ideas didnít make sense at all, but the boy has grabbed to them.His soul was pure and the world around it is dirty, smelly, ugly and hopeless.
    The noiseless morning gave a new hope for something better, something new and more interesting than the last day.Peter woke up last.He felt his body glued to the ground and he just couldnít move at all.The hardest thing was thinking about the 10 bucks wich he still havenít earn.The Jackís voice was still behind him and bothering him until the others came. They started joking and he felt better surrounded with friend and people who have the same problem as he has-the money.

    Don't be too stern, because I'm just 13 for goodness sake.Well, have fun and I hope that it is not very stupid!

  2. #2
    trans's Avatar
    trans is offline Junior Member
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      • English Teacher
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      • Russian
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      • Russian Federation
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      • Russian Federation
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    Re: Can you take a look at this story

    Interesting, you are really something of an author. There are mistakes, but this doesn't spoil the story.
    Last edited by trans; 13-Apr-2007 at 14:11.

  3. #3
    Trisia is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Can you take a look at this story

    I agree. You should try and read more, it will help improve your grammar and your vocabulary. I rather enjoyed reading it. Only, please try and put spaces after punctuation marks !!! It slows you down when you try to read.

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