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  1. #1
    Spirits is offline Newbie
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    2 sentence editing, really quick

    "This seminar is helping us develop a paradigm of success. A paradigm that believes you have courage and generosity, a paradigm that believes in helping your team succeed, a paradigm that believes in practicing health over waiting for illness, and a paradigm that tells you that effort is required if you want to succeed."

    People are telling me to change its repetitiveness for the word paradigm. I don't know how to change it without also changing its enthusiasm. Someone please give a few advice on this. One helped me edit but focused too much on the grammar with too many periods. It really killed the whole paragraph. The 2nd edit was a lot better and i see a lot of potential with using a hyphen. The problem is that i don't know how to implement it. Any other ideas, please tell me. It's suppose to be simple, but i lack the skill to fix the problem.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: 2 sentence editing, really quick

    Replace it with 'one that...' after a few repetitions.

  3. #3
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    Larry is offline Newbie
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    Re: 2 sentence editing, really quick

    I'm not sure I agree with changing it. In a speech, don't you notice that the speaker will repeat an idea? This is used to drive a point home.

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: 2 sentence editing, really quick

    It seems excessive to me- more driving the audience mad than driving a point home.

  5. #5
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Re: 2 sentence editing, really quick

    I agree with Tdol - better to take most of the "paradigms" out leaving each phrase starting with "that" to maintain the repetition. It will actually be easier to say aloud too.

  6. #6
    xosweetyxo33 is offline Newbie
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    Re: 2 sentence editing, really quick

    u keep typing pardigm to much try using the thesaurus and see what other words u can put in there

  7. #7
    bianca is offline Senior Member
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    Wink Re: 2 sentence editing, really quick

    use the synonym "pattern" once, and then shorten down the phrase to two important ideas - that will suffice. "Paradigm" is rather formal, and formal writing hardly endorses repetition as a means of conveying enthusiasm. If you wish to be more rhetorical, you might succeed by repeating "key words", as you put it(Hitler did...)
    Last edited by bianca; 28-Apr-2007 at 11:38.

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