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  1. #1
    Chantelle721 is offline Newbie
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    Default Please Correct :)

    Hello, I have to write an essay on a contemporary hero for my english class if someone would be willing to look over it and tell me if my thesis is good enough that would be great. As well I am horrible at grammar and ponctuation, any corrections would be appreciated as soon as possible. So far this is my intro.

    A true leader is essentially a hero because they are someone who has done something outstanding and demonstrated a form of excellence. In society today, there are many types of leaders those who lead teams, companies and even countries yet, very few leaders are admired or are heroes. Recently the “leader” also known as the Secretary General of the United Nations: Kofi Annan was succeeded by Ban Ki-Moon due to the completion of his two terms as director of the United Nations. Although, during his two controversial terms as Secretary General of the UN Kofi Annan was criticized for failed programs, on the whole; he demonstrated excellence by contributing significantly in advancing global society. Mr. Annan’s life devotion to enhancement of society has earned him countless accomplishments during his tenure; his management techniques as well as ethical standards were admirable, he is a man of peace in a world of war, was devoted to HIV/AIDS, and is furthermore; a respected societal figure always striving for peace and an enhanced international society.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please Correct :)

    Say:
    A hero is someone who....
    You know what you want to say. Now you have to get the reader to understand that? What questions would the reader ask that he or she would want to have answered?

    I don't think Kofi Annan was devoted to AIDS. Rewrite that. (That is an example of sloppy proofreading.)

    ~R

  3. #3
    Chantelle721 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please Correct :)

    Thank you for responding I really appreciate it, I tried to fix what you suggested, about the AIDS comment though Kofi Annan's personal mission was the devotion to the eradication of HIV/AIDS. If there's any other suggestions specifically grammatical or ponctuation wise I would be very grateful.

    A contemporary hero is a true leader; they are someone who has outstanding accomplishments and demonstrated excellence. In society today, there are many types of leaders: those who lead teams, organizations and even countries yet, very few leaders are admired or are contemporary heroes. Recently, the “leader” also known as the Secretary General of the United Nations: Kofi Annan was succeeded by Ban Ki-Moon due to the completion of his two terms as director of the United Nations. Although, during his two controversial terms as Secretary General of the UN Kofi Annan was criticized for failed programs, on the whole; he demonstrated excellence by contributing significantly in advancing global society. Mr. Annan’s is truly a modern day contemporary hero, his life devotion to enrichment of society has earned him countless accomplishments during his tenure; his management techniques as well as ethical standards were admirable, he is a man of peace in a world of war, is devoted to the fight of HIV/AIDS, and is furthermore; a respected societal figure always striving for peace and an enhanced international society.

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please Correct :)

    A contemporary hero is a true leader. A leader is someone who has accomplished a great deal and demonstrated excellence in his (or her) field.

    (Note: agreement in number.)

    ~R

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