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Thread: Allie

  1. #1
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    Question Allie

    I'm going to copy and past a para. and would like your critiques on it.
    Sleep had not come easily and the dark hours were long and lonely. This beautiful room had of late, become a place of refuge room. Morning light was coming through slices of the white wooden blinds at the windows urging that it was time to get up. I do so.
    I looked at my bed, reflected through the mirror in the bathroom, as I brushed my teeth. The glorious matching quilt and top sheet were sprawled here and there on the floor. The sheet looked as if it had been twisted into a wet mass from a washing machine, left to dry in that mass.
    The eyes reflecting back at me were vague and seemed tired. A bit of make-up would help, but no, I was too tired, it mattered not my appearance. This numbness of my soul was already with me at the beginning of the day. That bothered me. Well actually, what day? I didn’t want any part of ‘a day’. The whirlwind bed would hold me nicely for this day and many more, here in this room, by myself. I couldn’t seem to get any rest lately. That was all I wanted – rest. I lay down slowly and pulled up the rumpled top sheet and sunk deep into the pillow and closed my eyes. I slept sound.

  2. #2
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Re: Allie

    Sleep had not come easily and the dark hours were long and lonely. This beautiful room had of late become a place of refuge room [why have you repeated "room"?]. Morning light was coming through slices of[gaps/splits in] the white wooden blinds at the windows, urging that it was time to get up. I do so.
    I looked at my bed, reflected through [things cannot be reflected through a mirror] the mirror in the bathroom, as I brushed my teeth[This sentence would be better starting with "As I brushed....]The glorious matching quilt and top sheet were sprawled here and there on the floor. The sheet looked as if it had been twisted into a wet mass from a washing machine, left to dry in that mass.[I think you need to rewrite this sentence - it's uncomfortable]
    The eyes reflecting back at me were vague and seemed tired. A bit of make-up would help, but no, I was too tired, it mattered not my appearance.[Why this sudden poetic phrase?]This numbness of my soul was already with me at the beginning of the day. That bothered me. Well actually, what day? I didn’t want any part of ‘a day’. The whirlwind bed would hold me nicely for this day and many more, here in this room, by myself. I couldn’t seem to get any rest lately. That was all I wanted – rest. I lay down slowly and pulled up the rumpled top sheet and sunk deep into the pillow and closed my eyes. I slept sound.[/quote]

    Your tenses are jumbled

    I like the last paragraph.

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