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  1. #1
    raybee is offline Newbie
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    Default can you please help me with my english literature

    hi there, I just wanted some help as I wanted to do an original english literature piece (I chose poetry) for art that i want to put in my GCSE project (natural form) but I'm not good at English let alone poetry; so I just wanted to post it so people can read it and tell me whether I should leave it or change it or whatever. Oh, and if you could think of a better title please

    I think it sounds as if I'm trying to be deep and complex but it does not sound it, but I'm not I was trying just to write something good lol that's it, but failed. Anyway please tell me what you think, especially could you please tell me if it does sound pretentious - if that's the right word . It's a Sonnet because I am learning about them now.

    The Unsunny Day

    Rain falls swiftly from floating puff this day:
    Empty tears from the golden eye placid,
    The moon, the sun, the stars drearily flaccid.
    The dismal carcass left behind in sky so grey;

    To slit by idleness, form a heaven,
    Reiterate footprints ago unveiled;
    Concocted the winds that once prevailed
    That’s below the beam at length that leaven.

    How scolder is masked by heavy dew,
    Caressing the air; engulfing the Earth,
    Reflecting while raging along the firth:
    Creating a façade of dusky hue

    It misled me your winds, your rain and grey:
    They bulge with bliss; unique sense give away.

    Incase you can't tell: it's about the weather. I composed it the other rainy day; it's about firstly the rain coming down leaving the dry sky behind it, then the clouds moving and breaking up and then the sun coming through.
    Last edited by raybee; 09-Jun-2007 at 00:17.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: can you please help me with my english literature

    There are some nice touches- I like the last line of the first stanza, and you have handled the rhymes well. However, this line escapes me:
    How scolder is masked by heavy dew

  3. #3
    raybee is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: can you please help me with my english literature

    thank you so much tdol, yeah I usually get told by my english teachers I try to make things dramatic or complex so it ends up making no sense, that specific line I was trying to say the sun's heat was being covered by the rain lol, hav you got any suggestions to what I can do??

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: can you please help me with my english literature

    Have you read this? 31. A Coat. Yeats, W. B. 1916. Responsibilities and Other Poems
    Before this, Yeats had written ornate and descriptive poetry, then switched to a pared-down plainer style, and was the better poet for it. If you overdo the verbal pyrrhotechnics, you can lose your reader; after all, James Joyce's Finnegan's Wake is probably the most unread/unfinished book in the canon of English literature.

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