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  1. #1
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    Default Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    Hi teachers and scholars,


    I want to improve my writing skill in order to gain the success in IELTS exam. Please drop me some comments and proofreading for me, many thanks!!

    The costs of medical health care are increasing all the time. Governments are finding it difficult to balance the health care budget.

    Should citizens be totally responsible for their own health costs and take out private health insurance, or is it better to have a comprehensive health care system which provides free health services for all? Discuss. (Topic)


    No matter how difficult to balance the health care budget, the safety net in the form of a basic free health care system should present for people who cannot afford to pay their medical service bills. Also, for some people who are able to insure private health, they should have the responsibility not to waste the social resources by using this “free” medical service. So, our government can maintain the healthy medical care system for public.

    As we all know, many poor who are entitled as citizens but still living in poverty, and most of them cannot afford to pay medical service bills. Therefore, the government has the responsibility to provide them free health care service until they are able to take care of themselves. However, if they are working, they should still pay a small among of income (say 1 to 2 percents) as a tax to maintain the “free” health service.

    For the wealth citizens, the free health care system is not really designed for them because they can afford to pay their medical bills. In fact, they have many alternatives, such as they can pay private health insurance. The private health insurance provides a list of services for them, like they are able to choose their own doctors and they can avoid a long waiting of hospital beds. In addition, the cost of medical health care will be improved if they are privately insured.

    In conclusion, we should encourage all people to insure their health, but it is unreasonable to suppose that all people can afford it. So, the free medical care should be presented for those who are in need.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    Hi teachers and scholars,


    I want to improve my writing skill[s] in order to gain the success in IELTS exam [this sounds a little strange to me; I would probably say "in order to succeed on the IELTS exam" here instead]. Please drop me some comments and proofreading for me, many thanks!!

    The costs of medical health care are increasing all the time. Governments are finding it difficult to balance the health care budget.

    Should citizens be totally responsible for their own health costs and take out private health insurance, or is it better to have a comprehensive health care system which provides free health services for all? Discuss. (Topic)


    No matter how difficult [it is] to balance the health care budget, [a] safety net in the form of a basic free health care system should [be] present for people who cannot afford to pay their medical service bills. Also, [people who are able to afford private health insurance] should have the [legally enforced] responsibility not to waste social resources by using this “free” medical service. [Such a policy would ensure that our government could] maintain [a system of free health care] for [the] public.

    As we all know, many poor [people] who are entitled [to health care] as citizens [live] in poverty, and most of them cannot afford to pay medical service bills. Therefore, the government has the responsibility to provide them free health care service[s] until they are able to take care of themselves. However, if they are working, they should still pay a small among of income (say 1 to 2 percent) as a tax to maintain the “free” health service.

    [However, for wealthy] citizens, [the situation is different] because they can afford to pay their medical bills. In fact, they have many alternatives [List some others here, too, because the word "many" implies that you are going to discuss more than one. Or you could just remove "In fact, they have many alternatives" and substitute "They have the alternative of paying for private health insurance."] Th[is] private health insurance provides a list of services for them, [such as being] able to choose their own doctors, and they can avoid [long waiting lists for] hospital beds. In addition, the cost of [remove "medical;" in this case it is redundant] health care will be [reduced] if they are privately insured.

    In conclusion, we should encourage all people to insure their health, but it is unreasonable to suppose that all people can afford it. So, free medical care should be [provided] for those who are in need.
    I have provided suggestions and comments in brackets. You seem very well-organized and easy to follow; most of my suggestions are in the interests of flow and/or clarity.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    Hi JLP,

    Thanks for your work!

    But let's take a look in this sentence, "No matter how difficult it is to balance the health care budget, a safety..." is it better to put a puntuation there? shcu as "comma"?

    And what's the meaning of "in the interests of flow...", refer to your comment.

    Thanks again!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    Opps...

    Should be "let's take a look at..."

    Cheers

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    Hi JLP,

    Thanks for your work!

    But let's take a look in this sentence, "No matter how difficult it is to balance the health care budget, a safety..." is it better to put a punctuation [mark] there? Such as [a] "comma"?
    I think the comma should stay; the sentence doesn't seem right without it. There are several other better-defined reasons to leave it in as well. One is that commas should be used to separate introductory words or phrases from the rest of the sentence, and "No matter how difficult it is to balance the health care budget..." sounds like an introductory phrase to me. Also, commas are used to indicate a slight pause when reading out loud, but a pause that is shorter than the one indicated by a period. I definitely paused at that point in the sentence.

    And what's the meaning of "in the interests of flow...", refer to your comment.
    Revisions made "in the interests of flow" are ones that have been made with the primary goal of making the relevant writing read (or "flow") more easily, smoothly, and naturally to native speakers of English.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    Hi JLP,

    After reading your answer, I think I have raised a misleading question, and excuse me for that:)
    My question is that should we put a comma after the word "is", but not the one that follow by the word "budget".
    P.S. If you can grasp what I mean above, pls rewrites it for me. Because I feel that it's now "flow" really well.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    Hi JLP,


    My question is that should we put a comma after the word "is", but not the one that follow by the word "budget".
    Your wording is somewhat confusing here; I can't figure out whether you want to know whether to use a comma after both words ("is" and "budget") or only after "is" and not after "budget."

    Either way, I wouldn't use a comma after the word "is" in the first sentence at all, if that's what you want to know.

    P.S. If you can grasp what I mean above, pls rewrites it for me. Because I feel that it's now "flow" really well.
    I might say, "If you can understand what I wrote above, please rewrite it for me, because right now I don't feel like it flows very well."

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    There is a great deal of room for improvement.


    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post


    I want to improve my writing skill in order to gain the success in IELTS exam. Please drop me some comments and proofreading for me, many thanks!!
    Say:
    I want to improve my writing skills so I can do well at the IELTS exam. Please drop me some comments and proofread my writing for me.
    I think you need to learn how to do your own proofreading. You need to learn how to edit your writing. To do that you need to read it with a critical eye, looking for mistakes.




    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    No matter how difficult to balance the health care budget, the safety net in the form of a basic free health care system should present for people who cannot afford to pay their medical service bills. Also, for some people who are able to insure private health, they should have the responsibility not to waste the social resources by using this “free” medical service. So, our government can maintain the healthy medical care system for public.

    You need some verbs there. Also, there is a problem with word choice.


    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    As we all know, many poor who are entitled as citizens but still living in poverty, and most of them cannot afford to pay medical service bills.

    So poor people live in poverty. (Surprise! They don't have much money.) What are they entitled to as citizens?

    (Do you see what I mean about word choice?)

    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    Therefore, the government has the responsibility to provide them free health care service until they are able to take care of themselves. However, if they are working, they should still pay a small among of income (say 1 to 2 percents) as a tax to maintain the “free” health service.


    Say:
    one to two percent (not percents)
    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    For the wealth citizens, the free health care system is not really designed for them because they can afford to pay their medical bills. In fact, they have many alternatives, such as they can pay private health insurance. The private health insurance provides a list of services for them, like they are able to choose their own doctors and they can avoid a long waiting of hospital beds. In addition, the cost of medical health care will be improved if they are privately insured.

    Reread that looking for what you need to change. For example, what should "a long waiting of hospital beds" be?

    Do you get the idea?

    ~R

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    There is a great deal of room for improvement.




    Say:
    I want to improve my writing skills so I can do well at the IELTS exam. Please drop me some comments and proofread my writing for me.
    I think you need to learn how to do your own proofreading. You need to learn how to edit your writing. To do that you need to read it with a critical eye, looking for mistakes.





    You need some verbs there. Also, there is a problem with word choice.



    So poor people live in poverty. (Surprise! They don't have much money.) What are they entitled to as citizens?

    (Do you see what I mean about word choice?)



    Say:
    one to two percent (not percents)

    Reread that looking for what you need to change. For example, what should "a long waiting of hospital beds" be?

    Do you get the idea?

    ~R
    Hi RonBee,

    Thanks for your help!!

    I have reviewed it a couple of time, and marked down what sort of mistakes (e.g. tense) I commonly wrong.

    "No matter how difficult to balance the health care budget, the safety net in the form of a basic free health care system should [be] present for people who cannot afford to pay their medical service bills. Also, for some people who are able to insure private health, they should have the responsibility not to waste the social resources by using this “free” medical service. [Such a policy would ensure that] our government [could provide a good health service for the pubilc]."

    "As we all know, many poor who [are living] in poverty, and most of them cannot afford to pay medical service bills."

    "....The private health insurance provides a list of services for them, [such as being] able to choose their own doctors and they can avoid [a long waiting lists for] hospital beds. In addition, the cost of medical health care will be [reduced] if they are privately insured."

    Skymoon

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    Default Re: Pls corrects my essay...Thanks!!

    First ofall, I made a mistake. (Nobody's perfect.) My suggestion should have been:
    I want to improve my writing skills so I can do well on the IELTS exam.
    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    I have reviewed it a couple of times, and I marked down what sort of mistakes (e.g. tense) I commonly make.
    Please tell me if that is what you meant to say.


    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    "No matter how difficult to balance the health care budget, the safety net in the form of a basic free health care system should [be] present for people who cannot afford to pay their medical service bills. Also, for some people who are able to insure private health, they should have the responsibility not to waste the social resources by using this “free” medical service. [Such a policy would ensure that] our government [could provide a good health service for the pubilc]."
    Say:
    No matter how difficult it is to balance the health care budget, the safety net in the form of a basic free health care system should be present for people who cannot afford to pay their medical bills. Also, for people who are able to purchase private health insurance, they have the responsibility not to waste the social resources by using this “free” medical service. Such a policy would ensure that our government could provide a good health service for the pubilc.
    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    "As we all know, many poor who [are living] in poverty, and most of them cannot afford to pay medical service bills."
    It is not necessary to point out that poor people don't have much money.

    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    "....The private health insurance provides a list of services for them, [such as being] able to choose their own doctors and they can avoid [a long waiting lists for] hospital beds. In addition, the cost of medical health care will be [reduced] if they are privately insured."
    Say:
    Private health insurance provides.... (Not The private health insurance)
    ...can avoid long waiting lists...
    ...the cost of health care....
    ~R

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