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  1. #1
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    Default Pls correct my IELTS Essay, Thanks!!

    Hi Teachers and scholars,

    Pls correct my piece of work, many thanks!

    skymoon

    Recent advancements in technology have led to many changes in our daily lives, but some people would argue that we are becoming too dependent on technology and that not all these changes are beneficial. Give your opinion and support your argument. (Topic)

    There is no doubt that with the successful of advanced in technology has changed our lives tremendously. Some people believe that our lives have become more livable and comfortable. However, the advanced technology has also generated both social and environmental issues. And many experts have warned us that “Sooner or later, we cannot live without technology if we too rely on it.”

    With the successful of the development in the WWW technology, we access on the internet becomes more easy and fun. We can do anything that we want through internet. For example, we can comfortably buy anything we want through online shopping, we can meet the new friends anytime when we become a member of online dating company, and also we can no longer to go to school because we can get knowledge through online schools. All of this activities happened just by the mere movement of the fingertips.

    Moreover, the advanced in technology has been invented to fulfill human’ desires. Imagine for the example, people can use a microwave oven to prepare the foods instead of cooking by themselves. Some people tend to frequently changed their hand-phone for buying the latest model with multiple functions one to fulfill their desires. It seems that we are all living in the world that cannot without technology.

    However, recent researches have shown that our social fabric would be destroyed by the internet, because we spend far more time on it but less time doing the activities that we used to enjoy. And thus, every aspect of our lives would become neglected and bored.

    Also, the advanced technology has created a serious issue – pollution. Imagine for this situation, every time when we buy the latest model of an electronic produce, which means we are likely to dispose the old one, and those old produces sometime can not be completely disposed, thus it caused pollution (e.g. soil pollution). Million of tuns of these electronic garbage affecting our daily lives.

    In conclusion, the use of the advanced technologies clearly makes us both better and worse. In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the benefits, and we will be overwhelmed by the technology sooner or later.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Pls correct my IELTS Essay, Thanks!!

    Hi anyone,

    Pls I have reviewed it a couple of times. I would be very appreciated that if someone can correct it.

    Thanks!

    skymoon

  3. #3
    totyfroty is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Pls correct my IELTS Essay, Thanks!!



    Hi Skymoon,
    I have read your easy and made some corrections. Read it and if there is anything you think is a mistake, tell me
    The word Livable in Italic because I am not sure of the usage of the word.
    and you have to say from where you took the quote.
    I hope that was helpful


    Quote Originally Posted by skymoon View Post
    Hi Teachers and scholars,

    Pls correct my piece of work, many thanks!

    skymoon

    Recent advancements in technology have led to many changes in our daily lives, but some people would argue that we are becoming too dependent on technology and that not all these changes are beneficial. Give your opinion and support your argument. (Topic)

    There is no doubt that the successful advancements in technology has changed our lives tremendously. Some people believe that our lives have become more livable and comfortable. However, the advanced technology has also generated both social and environmental issues. And many experts have warned us that “Sooner or later, we cannot live without technology if we too rely on it.”
    With the successful development in the WWW technology, our access to the internet becomes more easy and fun. We can do anything that we want through internet. For example, we can comfortably buy anything we want through online shopping, we can meet new friends anytime , and also we can no longer go to school because we can acquire knowledge through online schools. All of these activities can happen by simple movements.

    Moreover, the advancement in technology has been invented to fulfill humans' desires. For example, people can use a microwave oven to prepare their food instead of cooking by themselves. Some people tend to change their hand-phone (cell phones) frequently to buy the latest model with multiple functions one to fulfill their desires. It seems that we are all living in a world that cannot survive without technology.

    However, recent researches have shown that our social fabric would be destroyed by the internet as we spend a lot of time on it and less time doing the activities that we used to enjoy. And thus, every aspect of our lives would become neglected and bored.

    Also, the advanced technology has created a serious issue – pollution. For example, every time when we buy the latest model of any electronic production, we are likely to dispose the old one, and sometimes those old productions can not be completely disposed, thus it causes pollution (e.g. soil pollution). Million of tuns of these electronic garbage affects our daily lives.

    In conclusion, the use of the advanced technology clearly makes us both better and worse. In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the benefits, and we will be overwhelmed by the technology sooner or later.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Pls correct my IELTS Essay, Thanks!!

    My thoughts...



    Recent advancements in technology have led to many changes in our daily lives, but some people would argue that we are becoming too dependent on technology and that not all these changes are beneficial. Give your opinion and support your argument. (Topic)

    There is no doubt that the successful advancements in technology
    has changed our lives tremendously. Some people believe that our lives have become more livable and comfortable. However, the advanced technology has also generated both social and environmental issues. And many experts have warned us that “Sooner or later, we cannot live without technology if we too rely on it.”
    In the first sentence, the word “has” should be changed to “have” so that it agrees with the subject “advancements.” As a matter of style (not grammar) I would also remove the quotes from the last sentence and slightly reword to make it read, “And many experts have warned us that sooner or later, we will not be able to survive without technology if we continue to rely on it so heavily.”



    This way you don't have to say where you got the quote, because there is no direct quote.


    With the successful development in the WWW technology, our access to the internet becomes more easy and fun. We can do anything that we want through internet. For example, we can comfortably buy anything we want through online shopping, we can meet new friends anytime, and also we can no longer go to school because we can acquire knowledge through online schools. All of these activities can happen by simple movements.


    If you’re going to use the word “development” here, I think it should take the preposition “of” and not “in.” In other contexts, the word can take “in,” but I think “of” is better in this case. If you’d rather keep “in,” keep in mind that the word “developments” often takes “in,” and with some slight rewording the sentence would still work. I would also use “has become” in place of “becomes.” In addition, take a look at the second sentence; I’m not sure if this is a typo or not, but I have most commonly seen the word “internet” capitalized and preceded by the definite article, as in “the Internet.” Finally, “also we can no longer go to school” is awkward; I might revise to, “and we no longer have to go to school because….”

    Moreover, the advancement in technology has been invented to fulfill humans' desires. For example, people can use a microwave oven to prepare their food instead of cooking by themselves. Some people tend to change their hand-phone (cell phones) frequently to buy the latest model with multiple functions one to fulfill their desires. It seems that we are all living in a world that cannot survive without technology.


    How so? Lots of people can survive if their microwaves break or if they drop their cell phones in the pool. Of course, for some people this would be very inconvenient, but my main point here is that “survive” sounds like too strong of a word. Perhaps “modern culture” could not survive without the technology that keeps the electricity on and so forth, and if that is what you mean, then say so and give examples.



    I would also point out that on some level all technology, from the wheel onward, has been invented to fulfill human desires. If it didn’t meet some need or want, then most likely the technology, if it ever got invented in the first place, would soon fall into disuse. If you are trying to make the point that most modern technology has been invented as a response to frivolous human desires instead of as a response to true needs, then say so and give examples.

    However, recent researches have shown that our social fabric would be destroyed by the internet as we spend a lot of time on it and less time doing the activities that we used to enjoy. And thus, every aspect of our lives would become neglected and bored.
    Say “research has” instead of “researches have,” and “will” instead of “would” in the first sentence here. I would also omit “and bored.”

    Also, the advanced technology has created a serious issue – pollution. For example, every time when we buy the latest model of any electronic production, we are likely to dispose the old one, and sometimes those old productions can not be completely disposed, thus it causes pollution (e.g. soil pollution). Millions of tuns of these electronic garbage affects our daily lives.
    Omit “when” in the second sentence, and use “product” instead of “production.” The word “dispose” usually takes “of,” as in “…we are likely to dispose of the old one, and sometimes these old products cannot be safely disposed of.” Keep in mind the spelling of “tons,” and “these” should be “this” in order to agree with “garbage,” which is singular.

    In conclusion, the use of the advanced technology clearly makes us both better and worse. In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the benefits, and we will be overwhelmed by the technology sooner or later.
    Omit “the” here.

  5. #5
    totyfroty is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Pls correct my IELTS Essay, Thanks!!



    How so? Lots of people can survive if their microwaves break or if they drop their cell phones in the pool. Of course, for some people this would be very inconvenient, but my main point here is that “survive” sounds like too strong of a word. Perhaps “modern culture” could not survive without the technology that keeps the electricity on and so forth, and if that is what you mean, then say so and give examples.
    Hi JLP,
    Actually, I added the word survive because I thought it will give a kind of strength to the topic.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Pls correct my IELTS Essay, Thanks!!

    Quote Originally Posted by totyfroty View Post




    Hi JLP,
    Actually, I added the word survive because I thought it will give a kind of strength to the topic.
    I see.

    However, I still think "survive" is not the best word to use here, because it seems to relate the survival of people (and of the world) to the cell phones and microwaves mentioned earlier.

    I also think that some form of transition here would be most helpful in bridging this gap. In addition, bringing in modern society would also lend strength to the topic. Such a transition could fit in quite well after the word "desires."

    One possible link could be, "However, this is not the only role technology plays in our lives. One has only to imagine the chaos that would ensue if every computer in the world suddenly and simultaneously crashed to understand this. Modern society as we know it would soon crumble into oblivion [or "could not survive"] without the vital support of its advanced technological infrastructure."

  7. #7
    totyfroty is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Pls correct my IELTS Essay, Thanks!!



    I got your point and I agree with you

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