The first paragraph is fine.
The second paragraph has 5 errors. In one error, you use a word that doesn't exist in English; one relates to an unidiomatic preposition; one uses a word that would also require a definite article, and so can't be right.
The remaining two errors, interestingly, create valid sentences; but a better choice of word exists, in the given context.
If you revise and re-post, someone will be happy to check it again for you!
All the best,
- For Teachers