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  1. #21
    Fleur de mort Guest

    Default Re: I'd like to be a good writer.

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    I have had to make quite a few changes to the text. (I'll let you figure out why I made those changes. ) (Note: my native language is American English.)


    It was a cold December night. Some children playing in the street. I am usually allergic to the cold weather, and I sat there with a cup of tea as I listened to some sad music. I could see some little girls dancing in the street.
    I smelled cigarette smoke. I heard footsteps behind me. I have always feared men, and I thought it was a man approaching. The footsteps kept getting closer.
    I held my cup of tea tightly and covered my face with my hair. I was not wearing a veil--only decent clothes with a heavy scarf. Suddenly, someone came up to me and whispered slowly: "It's cold today." I sat still as if nothing had happened. The voice was velvety and cottony--soft and smooth. He sat opposite me. "Oh are you sure you are a real human?" 'I asked myself'. I didn't care that he was handsome. I ran away from him. I quickly ran home. I lay back on my bed.
    laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah laaaah No way. I lost my mind.
    You should be Mr. poet
    Wooooooooooooooooooow I'm flying now
    And wooooooow it's so warm to my heart.
    I can feel it.

    The voice was velvety and cottony--soft and smooth. He sat opposite me. "Oh are you sure you are a real human?"


    Hope to find him one day

    Thannnnnnnnnnnk you
    Last edited by Fleur de mort; 01-Oct-2007 at 01:01.

  2. #22
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    16,571
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    Default Re: I'd like to be a good writer.

    I am glad I could be helpful. I genuinely think that it would be a good thing if you would figure out for yourself why I made the changes I made. (Either that or I am too lazy to explain things myself. ) More learning happens when a student figures things out for herself rather than being "spoonfed" the answers.

    Please remember that putting something down on paper (or virtual paper (that is, in a computer) is important, but that rewriting is just as important. When you rewrite a piece of writing you become a critic. You ask yourself, what should I take out; what should I change?

    ~R

  3. #23
    Fleur de mort Guest

    Default Re: I'd like to be a good writer.

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    I am glad I could be helpful. I genuinely think that it would be a good thing if you would figure out for yourself why I made the changes I made. (Either that or I am too lazy to explain things myself. ) More learning happens when a student figures things out for herself rather than being "spoonfed" the answers.

    Please remember that putting something down on paper (or virtual paper (that is, in a computer) is important, but that rewriting is just as important. When you rewrite a piece of writing you become a critic. You ask yourself, what should I take out; what should I change?

    ~R
    Yes of course I'll be. Although my English is a British English so I found out some difference.
    Thank you.
    Last edited by Fleur de mort; 01-Oct-2007 at 01:58.

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